A thankful heart and a story about a starfish

November is a month where we set aside time to give thanks and to celebrate adoption.  I think it is fitting that National Adoption month is celebrated around the same time as Thanksgiving.  I thought I would end the month by sharing this little story.  No, I am not quite on the “save a child” or “rescue an orphan” bandwagon.  But, there are those who are and I’ve become a whole lot more accepting of that mindset as a motivation to adopt than I used to be.  I understand it a little bit better after two trips to China.  In reality, there is some element of rescue and I don’t say that in a “pat myself on the back” kind of way.  Fact is, these lovely children adopted from China (and I speak collectively, not just of my two) know a vastly different life because someone from the other side of the world said “I can”.   

These words aren’t mine – the original story was written by Loren Eisley.  Enjoy.   

The Starfish Story –

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, "What are you doing?" The youth replied, "Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them back, they'll die."

"Son," the man said, "don't you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can't make a difference!"

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…"I made a difference for that one."

And, with a thankful heart, I tell you that my two boys have made a difference to me.  The words of a man I met in China “you have changed their destiny”, spoken to me in a tone of deep respect, are something I pause to reflect on every single day.   Not one day goes by that I don't think about that statement.  I am certain that adoption has changed destiny for my boys but my own has been changed much more profoundly.  Thanksgiving is no longer a day where I simply enjoy turkey and pie and think about the good things that have happened over the past year.  Don’t misunderstand – I totally do all of that – but I have gone very “back to basics” on what I am most thankful for.  I am thankful that I am loved and have people to love. I am all the more thankful for that since I’ve had such a front row view to those who miss out.    

As we begin December,  I wish all of you a magical and blessed Christmas season. 

A November Weekend - Quotes from Mary Poppins and Barney Stinson

We over-schedule.  We are on the go Monday through Friday and lately, it has seemed like weekends are non-stop.  Every time Sunday night rolls around again, Hubs looks at me and says “Really?  Already?” He might use a more swear words but you get the idea. 

We scheduled light this weekend.   As Mary Poppins would say our Friday through Sunday was “practically perfect in every way.”  Although I envisioned (still wish for) a pajama weekend with no leaving the house, we did end up doing a couple of things.  Our pace was more relaxed and less frenzied and as a result, I begin the new week feeling rested. 

Saturday morning, we did a Turkey Trot 5K.  Sissy  and I planned on this as a mother/daughter event, but at the last minute, we decided to break in the double-wide and take the whole gang.   

 

 

The boys loved the experience and Hubs did a great job pushing them (that thing is no joke).  They don’t look so thrilled in the pictures but there were a lot of dogs about and Peanut is still pretty leery of 4-legged beasties.  We all finished in about thirty-two minutes…Hubs and the boys just slightly behind Sissy and I.  This was her first time running the entire distance without walk breaks so we kept it pretty slow and steady, but we all had a great time.  We didn’t win a turkey but we did won pie.  Who doesn’t like pie? 

On Sunday, we went to a party put on by CACH (Children Adopted from China).  It is a British organization that is broken up in to local chapters and I just learned of its existence recently.  There is an organization like this in the US called Families with Children from China (FCC) that I’ve heard my other adoption friends in talk about.   

The party was lovely and the experience was something I didn’t know I needed until I experienced it.  There were about 15 other families gathered. All of these families looked like mine (“older” parents with Asian kids).  There was the initial awkwardness of “gee, I don’t know anyone” but that was quickly remedied.  I’m not exactly a “work the room” social butterfly kind of girl, and frankly, that’s impossible while chasing two three year olds who are hyped up on candy, but I did leave with two new friends and some play dates in our future. 

The boys LOVED this nice lady who organized the "pass the parcel" game.  I later learned she had a huge bag of candy.  

The little storybook and jar of play dough brought pure joy to a certain boy.

 

Instead of the “why China” and the “what happened to their real parents” questions I would have gotten at any other children’s party there was “what province are they from” and “how long have your boys been home”.  It had a totally different flavor, and despite the fact that we were in a room full of Brits we’d never met before, I felt we belonged. 

We’ve been knee deep in adoption stuff for almost three years.  Since May of 2011, we have either been pursuing an adoption or muddling through post adoption paperwork (or both).  Now most of Kyle’s post adoption processing is behind us.  Through this process, the only connections we’ve had to families that are made up like ours is through online forums or while in China on our actual adoption travels.  Our “online adoption friends” have been and continue to be an awesome source of information and support.  Our friends we traveled with in China (both trips) are wonderful people and I’m happy that those connections endure.  There is nothing like real life, real time connection with other “China families”. 

We gravitate toward people who we have stuff in common with.  While I have other interests outside adoption, adoption has been my focus for a long time.  I didn’t know I needed to be in a room with other families that were “like mine” until I was in that room.  It was a fun party.  There were crafts, snacks, entertainment, and chit chat. But as I looked around and saw all of these beautiful children dressed in their party clothes, happily doing the stuff kids do at parties, I got a little emotional.  These kids were all meticulously clean (except mine who had cake in their hair), pink-cheeked and well fed.  They were all loved and wanted.  I didn’t go too far in to my thoughts to ponder the beginnings of these children, but where they sat this past Sunday is a far cry from where they started in life. 

I was not the only parent in that room that had those thoughts.  I am certain of it.  This wasn’t something that was acknowledged or discussed.  Some things we just know.  

The pictures don’t capture the look on Peanut’s face when he saw Santa for the first time.  I wish I could have caught his expression when he made the connection between Santa and presents.  I wish I could have captured the “aha” moment when he realized that all of the children were getting a little present and the little light bulb that turned on when he knew he was included.  In the words of Barney Stinson, Christmas this year is going to be LEGENDARY. 

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Three Months With Peanut

Today is a day where we pause to honor and remember our military veterans.  Being a veteran, the day holds great meaning for me.  But on this Veteran’s Day, my thoughts are more focused on remembering a day exactly three months ago.  A day in a hotel room in a city called Jinan.  August 11^th 2013 was a day where his life and my life ceased being the same as we’d known it to be.  Forever. 

August 11th, 2013

Looking back, I can honestly say these were some of the hardest and most joyful moments of my life.  I have experienced overwhelming love and joy but also of stress, anger and frustration.  And everything in between. 

At three months home, Peanut is fairly well settled in.  Some days are a piece of cake.  Some days are really hard.  Life moves on and Peanut thrives.   

Nov 11th, 2013

Growth & Development

Peanut has gained seven pounds and grown a little over an inch.  He's filled out, has good color and lost that hollow look.  His appetite astounds me.  Even though he’s making good progress, he’s still really tiny.  I can’t believe the amount of food he can put away.    

As far as cognitive and motor development go, Peanut seems on track for his age.  Any delays  are due to living in an institutional environment and he’s catching up quick.  He did not show familiarity with puzzles or shape sorting toys.  It was evident he hadn’t had a lot of exposure to toys.  We saw many pictures of his orphanage.  It was very clean and there were a lot of jungle gym play equipment but no toys.  Kids in orphanages often aren’t allowed toys because divvying them out and refereeing squabbles over whose turn it is isn’t something the orphanage nannies have time for. 

School

Peanut attends nursery 3 days a week. He is in the toddler room where Doodlebug was last year.  Because of limited English, small size and lack of potty training, we made the decision to start him off with the younger kids.  We’ll relook at moving him up soon since he is doing so well, but it is nice for him and Doodlebug to have time apart.  

 

It was not instant love between Peanut and school.  The slightly institutional atmosphere and uniformed female caregivers probably reminded him of his orphanage in China.  We spent time visiting school before he started attending.  He was all about going to the outdoor playground but the classroom invoked tears and panic.  Of all of my kids, he has been the only one to show distress when I dropped him off at childcare…he is also unquestionably the most outwardly excited to see me at the end of the day.  He seems to now be secure in the knowledge that I come back at the end of the day, so he is happy to go to school. 

Sibling Rivalry

Peanut and Doodlebug get along pretty well together – except when they don't.  They play well together about seventy-five percent of the time.  Doodlebug had to suck up being dethroned.  Peanut  seems to realize he’s a here to stay that it is okay to assert himself.  I hear little voices saying “mine” a bazillion times a day.  They shove each other, take each other’s toys, and scramble to see who can get to my lap first.  The are both eager to be first unless I’m doling out something they aren’t interested in, like shampoos.  Then they are both insistent it is someone else’s turn. 

For the most part, Doodlebug and Peanut play well and cause trouble together.  They share a room and most of their toys, and like all little kids, the most attractive plaything is what someone else is playing with. Peanut really isn't a TV watcher, with the exception of Barney (yes, the purple dinosaur resurrected from the nineties).  He won't watch anything else and shows particular dislike for Mickey Mouse in it.  Hubs told him “everyone likes Mickey.”  No…not this guy. Since Peanut has blacklisted Mickey, that is all Doodlebug  wants to watch. 

Language

Peanut’s language development is amazing.  He has a few “hold out” Chinese words but he speaks full English.  He speaks in short sentences and is a little hard to understand if you don't know him.  He has taken to using words very well and there is not a whole lot of point and grunt going on.  

Some Snippets:

“No mommy best friend.  Daddy best friend.”

“I Peanut.  Doodles that way”. (points to his brother after I called him the wrong name”.

“No bath, no night-night”.

“Hi mommy!”

“Mommy, I kitty.  Meow meow meow!” 

“I help. I blow.  I do it.” (wanted to blow out the match I’d used to light a candle)

“Mommy, what you doing?”

“I go potty, too”.

“I go bye-bye school.  Eat!”
“Sissy bye-bye, Sissy school.” 

He says more stuff each day. He’s very good with pleases and thank you’s.  He has the words to Old McDonald, Twinkle Little Star, and the Itsy Bitsy Spider most of the way down.  His language skills are great.  He probably qualifies for developmental programs but we are still working through a lot of paperwork with his medical care and entitlements.   

Social & Bonding

Peanut is an outgoing child.  Three years in an orphanage have had some impact on his behavior.  Even though he and his nanny appeared to be best buds, he still had to compete for attention.  We’ve seen some “look at me” negative behaviors because we all know that bad behavior gets attention and negative attention is better than being ignored.   

Getting ready to pout.  All indications were that he was going to throw himself on the floor....then..... 

CHEESE!  

Another reaction to correction is to smack his head with his hand.  That drives me nuts.  When I see it, I hold his hands and tell him I do not like that.  I then demonstrate “nice” and “gentle touches”.  He is starting to catch on.  Children are not meant to be raised in institutions.  They are meant to be in families where they can be loved on and trained up to accept their parent’s rules and values.  There is a reason we hold and cuddle our new babies…so that they will feel safe and secure in the knowledge that their parents are there and will take care of them. 

Peanut doesn’t have this.  Although he is starting to show signs of feeling safe and secure, he might have worries that we are temporary. He calls us mommy and daddy but for all he knows, we're just the latest babysitters.  Three months isn’t a lot of time compared to the three years he lived in an orphanage.  While Peanut has always been willing to give me kisses, holds my hand when he is told he has to and voluntarily sits in my lap, I would not say we’re fully bonded. Sometimes it feels like just going through the motions but we are getting there. Every member of our family has had to make adjustments, but none more so than Peanut. 

The good outweighs the bad, by far.  Peanut is a sunny and cheerful child about ninety percent of the time.  I try to consider what the world looks like from his perspective and I have trouble wrapping my head around it.  I am amazed with his progress and all things considered, he is doing beautifully.  Like Doodlebug, he does seem to have a preference for Hubs, no matter what I do.  Sigh. 

Medical

All things considered, Peanut is a pretty healthy little guy.  One of our doctors described him as “medically complex”.  We're keeping the specifics private but there are some congenital issues that were not addressed properly when he was a baby.  If his birth family would have had the resources to take care of his medical needs when he was born, Peanut wouldn’t be sleeping in the room upstairs from where I sit now.  It’s a hodgepodge of fairly minor stuff, but stuff that nonetheless involves multiple visits to specialists. 

Peanut is terrified of any medical professional. We carry him in to an exam room and he loses it.  Me and hubs are trying to wade through all of the medical stuff and info being thrown at us.  We are doing okay.  It is a hard thing to hold your child who doesn’t completely trust you and tell him that nothing will hurt him as you hand him over to someone who might do something to cause him pain.  He is so tiny and fragile.  At at the same time, he is so tough and resilient.    

And there you have it – three months.  I am sorry for the things Peanut has endured in his short life.  He lost his birth family and his link to his past at a very young age.  He’s had medical trauma of which we may not ever know the scope of. This past August, everything familiar ceased.  Everything changed.  Everything.  For sure, his future became brighter when we showed up.  When we signed all of those documents and provided the many finger prints in red ink, Kyle’s fate changed.  He will be healthy.  He will be loved.  He will belong.  But what is better in the long run is not quite how things look to an almost four year old little boy who is probably still trying to put everything together in his head. 

It has been three months of firsts.  How exciting it is to see the wonder unfold.  The fact National Adoption Month is celebrated during a month we set aside to give thanks is not lost on me.  And now for the super cute pictures, which is probably what you are really waiting for. 

First jackolantern!

First time trick or treating

First grilled cheese & tomato soup!

Halloween - Joyful, Cheesy and Bittersweet

Halloween is my Hubs' favorite holiday.  We met in August and started dating in March so we were an established couple by the time our first Halloween rolled around.  By the time I discovered he was “one of those Halloween people” I already liked him enough to want to keep him around.  Costumes and pumpkins were not my cup of withes brew but Hubs was a keeper.  When he started making noises about pumpkin carving and matching costumes in mid-August, it became clear Halloween definitely was his thing.  I hadn’t touched pumpkin pulp since Sissy was in elementary school.  I was perfectly happy to keep pumpkin guts from touching my hands,ever.  When my new boyfriend seemed excited about carving pumpkins my reaction was lukewarm…but in the spirit of “new relationship” I went with it.  If I were a hash taggin’ kind of gal it would look something like this:

#stilltryingtoimpresshimsopumpkinsareawesome

Six years and two kids later, we are “Halloweenies”.  I’ve come to accept it, even embrace it. I can roll our 2013 Halloween experience up in to three words:  Joyful, cheesy and bittersweet.  

The Joyful

Sharing Halloween with two little boys is magic. Costumes, candy, monsters...what is not to like?  Remember this little guy?

Doodlebug's first Halloween - he was cooperative with the whole costume thing accepted the candy, but he had his guard up. He had fun, though.  Hello?  There was sugary goodness involved and he was smart enough to hold out that bucket (albeit warily) and get in on the action. 

Fast forward one year.

 

Holy pumpkin patch, Batman!  There’s two of them now!  Where did that other kid come from?  Seeing Halloween through their eyes is amazing.  I got the costumes last minute.  I grabbed what I thought would fit from the "what was left" rack.  The Superman costume was too small for Zack.  Good thing he had a cape because it gaped open at the back.  I tried to convince them to switch, but they weren't having it. "I Yoda" said Kyle firmly.  Never mind that he has never seen Star Wars.

Trick or treat was a pushing, shoving candy free for all.  It was pretty cool.  Doodlebug did great and said both "trick or treat and thank you" nine times out of ten.  Peanut was a little star struck.  It was hard for him to watch where he was going when there was so much going on around him.  All of the lights and decorations and crazy costumes enthralled him.  I try to imagine what it is like to see Halloween through his eyes.  It probably seems very strange to him.   

Doodlebug understood the need to keep the candy in his trick or treat bag and keep movin' on but not Peanut.  Every time someone would put a treat in his bag, he'd fish it out and look at me with this pleading look "eat?". 
 
The costumes looked great.  Peanut was the only Yoda we saw.  Everywhere we went, it was "oh, look, it's Yoda".  except for one lady who called him a bunny...she might have been drinking, though.  Trick or treat was a success.  We came home and ate a ton of candy.  We skipped baths and I put my hyped up on sugar kids to bed, threatening to throw the candy away if they didn't go to sleep.  I am expecting the mother of the year award.  If I can't make a formal acceptance, I'm figuring they'll just mail it to me.

The Cheesy

I threw the (hopefully) sexy witch together at the last minute.  We put this picture up on Facebook and someone commented that Hubs looked like "Burger King".  Doesn't he? 

Halloween is inherently cheesy, but we have fun with it.  We had some cheesy-in-a-good-way family fun the Sunday before Halloween.  The weather was yucky so we took the cars out of the garage and set up pumpkin carving shop.  Carving pumpkins with Hubs is quite an experience.  He tends to scoff at the generic triangle eyes and snaggle toothed jack-o-lanterns.  Those are for amateurs.  Around here, we get our pumpkin patterns off the internet and do it up fancy.  It takes some patience, which I do not have. Hubs finished my pumpkin (the one in the middle).   

The boys rode their tricycle and played with the small pumpkins fought over their tricycle and vigilantly maintained pumpkin equity while Lee, Laura and I carved.   We had a gourmet lunch (PB&J and hot chocolate).  Later that evening, Sissy and I made popcorn balls to put in to the boys’ treat bags they took to nursery school to share with their friends.  

I have never made popcorn balls before.  We used the recipe on the Jolly Time bag and it was pretty easy.  Messy, but easy.  Sissy helped me whip up two batches and we had a good time making them together.   

Cheesy costumes and fun family moments involving pumpkin art, comfort food and the smell of popcorn.  Who doesn’t like that?

And finally, the bittersweet

Hubs and I went to a Halloween party the Saturday before Halloween.  This is an annual party hosted by a friend of ours. Anytime we can get out and just be us – no wiping noses or butts, or chopping food in to really small pieces it’s all good. I love my boys but grownup time is good.  This is our friend Bonnie’s annual Halloween to-do, and although we missed last year’s event, I remember Bonnie’s 2011 Halloween party with a great deal of clarity. 

The 29^th of October in 2011 was a Saturday.  We were about three quarters of the way through with the “great paper chase” that was the beginning phase of Zack’s adoption.  We had most of our vital records and background documents gathered, stamped, sealed and notarized and were pretty much ready to get our home study knocked out and get our dossier sent to China.  The dossier is a collection of documents that introduces a family to the adoption authorities in China.  This is the information China uses to grant formal permission to adopt children from their country. 

That Saturday morning, I received an email from Kathy at our adoption agency.  It contained the file of a little girl, just twenty months old.  Were we interested in adopting her?  The file contained basic medical information and a photo.  This baby had a repaired heart defect and was reportedly in good health.  The one picture showed a sad little girl standing in a metal crib.  What grabbed my heart about this picture is that I could literally count over thirty other cribs in the picture.  She had a beautiful face – one of her eyelids was just a little bit droopy, but she was such a sad and pretty little girl.  She needed a family.  Were we going to be that family?  Mild heart problems were a “special need” that we said we’d be open to, so after talking it over that day, we decided to submit a “Letter of Intent”.  This would essentially “lock” that file so no other family could move forward with her.  We’d have to be granted “pre-approval” from China to proceed with the adoption but as we left for the party that night, I was super excited about this little girl.  We enjoyed the party that night but I could not get that little girl off my mind.  I’ll admit it.  I was daydreaming about hair bows and smocked dresses.  

We got an email that Monday morning.  Kathy was very apologetic, but in a nutshell, she had sent us the little girl’s file in error.  We were not qualified to adopt that child.  For those unfamiliar with China adoption, I will spare you the explanation of “Log in Date Only”, special needs versus special focus and the waiver process. The bottom line is we’d been shown a file for a child that China had pre-determined that our family wasn’t qualified to adopt. 

I was crushed.  I literally felt my stomach drop as I read that email.  However, Kathy told me not to give up.  Our agency’s China facilitator wanted to push the paperwork through and see if China would say yes.  Make an exception.  We were warned not to get our hopes up, but our agency didn’t want to pull our application back without trying. 

And, China said no.  It took them a whopping 2 days to give our agency the answer “rules were rules”.  In looking back, I think it was quite merciful of them to come back with their “no” so quickly because I was having a particularly difficult time waiting it out.  At the time, I was upset because I didn’t feel we’d been given a fair look.  But rules are rules and if I’ve learned anything in the past three years it is that China is a stickler for adoption rules.  Black and white and very little in between. 

China said no…and I grieved.  I grieved for that little girl who wasn’t meant to be my daughter.  Although we hadn’t really discussed names too much, in my mind this little girl was Rachael.  I cried many, many big ugly tears, most of them alone where no one saw.  Our agency and my husband knew I was upset but I don’t think anyone knew just how upset.  I don’t think anyone understood what a loss it was for me. 

I am sure this little girl’s family has found her by now.  She is about the same age as my boys – she’d be right in between them, if my memory serves me correctly.  There are many families in line to adopt young baby girls with minor heart problems, especially if they’ve been corrected.  I can’t imagine that she would have been hard to place.  I can’t imagine there was a shortage of families who’d raise their hands and say “Yes”.

I hung on to her picture for the longest time and finally deleted it only a few months ago, while we were in the process of waiting for Kyle to come home.  I came across the email trail from Kathy when I was attempting to organize some of my adoption correspondence (like that actually happened) and took a big, deep breath and hit the delete button.  I never opened her picture between the time China said no and the time that I deleted it.  But, I knew it was there. 

This little girl that I called Rachael was not meant to be my daughter. I hope she has parents who tuck her in to bed at night and comfort her when she is afraid.  I hope the room with the many cribs isn’t even a memory for her now.  I thought of her a lot this weekend while I was at the Halloween party.  I hadn’t been in that house in two years and I remembered so vividly being there and sneaking off to find a spot where I’d get cell phone reception to see if there was an update from our agency.   

Remembering her and remembering how excited I felt at the prospect of being her mom was bittersweet. But, I don’t have regret.  Things are as they are supposed to be and all is right with the world.  There is an old Chinese proverb about an invisible red thread connecting those who are destined to meet and my read thread and hers probably aren’t connected.  Hitting the delete button and sending her picture in to cyberspace made the severance of that connection pretty final, although you never know how and when people are going to touch your life. 

Letting go of that child in October 2011 was painful.  It is only now that I can even admit that to myself.  But time marches on.  In early November, I opened my email and saw that Kathy had sent us another child’s file.  I opened up the picture and laughed out loud.  Usually pictures of babies elicit the “awwwww” response but when I saw this e chubby cherub in pastel green ruffles I literally laughed.  It was hard to look at that child’s picture and not feel happy.  She had the most adorable little cheeks that I just wanted to SMUSH! 

Reading through the file, I learned that she was a he (pastels and ruffles are not exclusively for baby girls in China) and after some reading and discussion, we decided to submit a Letter of Intent.  And this time, China said yes.  This little guy’s red thread was most definitely destined to cross with my red thread.  Of course, this was Zack.  And although that little girl crosses my mind from time to time, I have no regrets.  There is no “what if” or “if only” going on. 

My heart is full. 

So there you have it.  Halloween is a decidedly unemotional holiday.  Pumpkins, sugary treats and spooky stuff are not typically triggers for deep feelings but as I look back at my 2013 Halloween experience, the three words that best describe it are joyful, cheesy and bittersweet.  And, I’ve even learned to embrace the smell of pumpkin guts.  It doesn’t get much better than this. 

're thd my read thread and thisestined to meet and my read thread and thisre is an old Chinese proverb about an invisible red t

 

On Sensitivity

"She is soooo sensitive about adoption”. 
 

“She is really sensitive about China and Asians.”

I wonder how many times these words have been said over the past 3 years.  I am not in the habit of keeping track of what other people say about me, but I am willing to bet that my “adoption sensitivity” has been commented on a time or two by people I know. 

We’ve all heard the stereotypical funny about the Chinese restaurant serving up "cat foo yung".  We may have snickered about “flied lice” being on the menu and attempted some sort of Chinese accent.  A few years ago, I might have thought those things were mildly amusing.  I don’t now.  My perspective is different.  Does that make me sensitive? 

I don’t think I’m particularly sensitive about our adoptions, adoption in general, Asians or China.  I have a different sense of what is and is not okay to say than I did a few years ago. 

I “un-friended” someone on Facebook a few months ago because she posted something that made reference to Chinese children coming from a “vachina”.  I decided I didn’t want to see stuff like that on my wall, so I “un-friended” her.  I chanted “I un-friend thee” three times, clapped my hands and so it was done.  Kidding…it’s a simple click of a button.  This person got a little aggressive and complained that I should have let her know that the post offended me.  It wasn’t a positive exchange and it ended with her calling me the “S Word”.  "You’re just so sensitive". 

People, there is a difference between sensitivity and calling BS.  I am not the sensitivity police, nor is it my obligation to “gently explain and educate” each time someone says something dumb.  Or posts it.  Or tweets it.  You get the picture.  Anyone who gets a chuckle over a reference to one of my kids coming from a “vachina” isn’t someone I want to interact with on any level, and I can make that choice.  I shouldn’t have to explain why that is offensive.  If slapping a big "S" on my chest somehow mitigates the level of offensiveness of things like that…rock on.  But I don’t buy it. 

I don’t find it even slightly amusing when someone suggests my kids might find a household pet tasty if served up in a stew.  I don’t find it cute when someone calls them “Wang Chung, Ching Chang, or Jackie Chan”.  I don’t react particularly well to the question “how much did they cost”.  Or “OMG that is the cutest thing ever, I want one”.  Or “I wish I would have known you were going to China, you could have picked up an extra one for me.”  I am not sensitive because I take offense to things like this or call you out for saying them.   

The comments above are tacky (and yes, I have heard them all firsthand).  Whether or not they’re mean spirited is not the point.  They’re offensive and I’m within my right to be hurt or angry when they are said.  I’m under no obligation to stop what I’m doing and explain the obvious to someone because they’re thoughtless or ignorant. 

I’m sure I’d probably get some stink eye if I asked other people about their credit score or if they dye their hair.  If I asked someone I’d just met “say, I hear you just got a face lift!  How much did that set you back?  Just curious”; I’d probably be perceived as very rude.  My retort of “aw…you’re just sensitive” probably wouldn’t fly. 

My kids aren’t things.  To compare them to cartons of milk we can grab of the shelf at a store is wrong.  Tacky.  I take offense to the comparison.  That doesn’t make me sensitive. 

Yes, my skin is a lot thicker than it was a year ago.  I can often blow off “well meaning” comments and questions just as easily as I can bite someone’s head off…but truly, that does depend on my mood and the situation.  There is a line between ignorance and offensive.  My anger or hurt over something that crosses that line shouldn’t be interpreted as sensitivity. 

Firing back with the “you’re so sensitive” defense is nothing but an attempt to deflect something that was thoughtless, if not necessarily hurtful.  I call foul.  A simple “I’m sorry” or “I shouldn’t have said that/asked that” might be a better response. 

I am not an overly “politically correct” person.  I’m a mom protective of her kids, like most moms are.  Am I going to rid the world wide web of thoughtlessness and insensitivity?  Uh…no.  But I believe I owe it to my boys to stand up for them and teach them to do what is right.  To have no reaction to someone putting a picture up suggesting my kids came from a “vachina” sends the message that it is OK to post, share and giggle over something like that.  I highly doubt my reaction made any real difference to the number of people who posted, laughed at or shared that picture. But did it make one person think twice about clicking “like” on that picture or sharing it with a new group of people?  I will never know.  But I’d like to think it did. 

I will do the best I can to see my boys grow up as strong and confident men.  They may someday have enough angst over their beginnings in life without having to contend with someone telling them “hey dude, you came from a vachina.”  My “sensitivity” isn’t going to protect them from every situation where they’re going to need thick skin.  Just like their mommy.
 

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