Halloween - Joyful, Cheesy and Bittersweet

Halloween is my Hubs' favorite holiday.  We met in August and started dating in March so we were an established couple by the time our first Halloween rolled around.  By the time I discovered he was “one of those Halloween people” I already liked him enough to want to keep him around.  Costumes and pumpkins were not my cup of withes brew but Hubs was a keeper.  When he started making noises about pumpkin carving and matching costumes in mid-August, it became clear Halloween definitely was his thing.  I hadn’t touched pumpkin pulp since Sissy was in elementary school.  I was perfectly happy to keep pumpkin guts from touching my hands,ever.  When my new boyfriend seemed excited about carving pumpkins my reaction was lukewarm…but in the spirit of “new relationship” I went with it.  If I were a hash taggin’ kind of gal it would look something like this:

#stilltryingtoimpresshimsopumpkinsareawesome

Six years and two kids later, we are “Halloweenies”.  I’ve come to accept it, even embrace it. I can roll our 2013 Halloween experience up in to three words:  Joyful, cheesy and bittersweet.  

The Joyful

Sharing Halloween with two little boys is magic. Costumes, candy, monsters...what is not to like?  Remember this little guy?

Doodlebug's first Halloween - he was cooperative with the whole costume thing accepted the candy, but he had his guard up. He had fun, though.  Hello?  There was sugary goodness involved and he was smart enough to hold out that bucket (albeit warily) and get in on the action. 

Fast forward one year.

 

Holy pumpkin patch, Batman!  There’s two of them now!  Where did that other kid come from?  Seeing Halloween through their eyes is amazing.  I got the costumes last minute.  I grabbed what I thought would fit from the "what was left" rack.  The Superman costume was too small for Zack.  Good thing he had a cape because it gaped open at the back.  I tried to convince them to switch, but they weren't having it. "I Yoda" said Kyle firmly.  Never mind that he has never seen Star Wars.

Trick or treat was a pushing, shoving candy free for all.  It was pretty cool.  Doodlebug did great and said both "trick or treat and thank you" nine times out of ten.  Peanut was a little star struck.  It was hard for him to watch where he was going when there was so much going on around him.  All of the lights and decorations and crazy costumes enthralled him.  I try to imagine what it is like to see Halloween through his eyes.  It probably seems very strange to him.   

Doodlebug understood the need to keep the candy in his trick or treat bag and keep movin' on but not Peanut.  Every time someone would put a treat in his bag, he'd fish it out and look at me with this pleading look "eat?". 
 
The costumes looked great.  Peanut was the only Yoda we saw.  Everywhere we went, it was "oh, look, it's Yoda".  except for one lady who called him a bunny...she might have been drinking, though.  Trick or treat was a success.  We came home and ate a ton of candy.  We skipped baths and I put my hyped up on sugar kids to bed, threatening to throw the candy away if they didn't go to sleep.  I am expecting the mother of the year award.  If I can't make a formal acceptance, I'm figuring they'll just mail it to me.

The Cheesy

I threw the (hopefully) sexy witch together at the last minute.  We put this picture up on Facebook and someone commented that Hubs looked like "Burger King".  Doesn't he? 

Halloween is inherently cheesy, but we have fun with it.  We had some cheesy-in-a-good-way family fun the Sunday before Halloween.  The weather was yucky so we took the cars out of the garage and set up pumpkin carving shop.  Carving pumpkins with Hubs is quite an experience.  He tends to scoff at the generic triangle eyes and snaggle toothed jack-o-lanterns.  Those are for amateurs.  Around here, we get our pumpkin patterns off the internet and do it up fancy.  It takes some patience, which I do not have. Hubs finished my pumpkin (the one in the middle).   

The boys rode their tricycle and played with the small pumpkins fought over their tricycle and vigilantly maintained pumpkin equity while Lee, Laura and I carved.   We had a gourmet lunch (PB&J and hot chocolate).  Later that evening, Sissy and I made popcorn balls to put in to the boys’ treat bags they took to nursery school to share with their friends.  

I have never made popcorn balls before.  We used the recipe on the Jolly Time bag and it was pretty easy.  Messy, but easy.  Sissy helped me whip up two batches and we had a good time making them together.   

Cheesy costumes and fun family moments involving pumpkin art, comfort food and the smell of popcorn.  Who doesn’t like that?

And finally, the bittersweet

Hubs and I went to a Halloween party the Saturday before Halloween.  This is an annual party hosted by a friend of ours. Anytime we can get out and just be us – no wiping noses or butts, or chopping food in to really small pieces it’s all good. I love my boys but grownup time is good.  This is our friend Bonnie’s annual Halloween to-do, and although we missed last year’s event, I remember Bonnie’s 2011 Halloween party with a great deal of clarity. 

The 29^th of October in 2011 was a Saturday.  We were about three quarters of the way through with the “great paper chase” that was the beginning phase of Zack’s adoption.  We had most of our vital records and background documents gathered, stamped, sealed and notarized and were pretty much ready to get our home study knocked out and get our dossier sent to China.  The dossier is a collection of documents that introduces a family to the adoption authorities in China.  This is the information China uses to grant formal permission to adopt children from their country. 

That Saturday morning, I received an email from Kathy at our adoption agency.  It contained the file of a little girl, just twenty months old.  Were we interested in adopting her?  The file contained basic medical information and a photo.  This baby had a repaired heart defect and was reportedly in good health.  The one picture showed a sad little girl standing in a metal crib.  What grabbed my heart about this picture is that I could literally count over thirty other cribs in the picture.  She had a beautiful face – one of her eyelids was just a little bit droopy, but she was such a sad and pretty little girl.  She needed a family.  Were we going to be that family?  Mild heart problems were a “special need” that we said we’d be open to, so after talking it over that day, we decided to submit a “Letter of Intent”.  This would essentially “lock” that file so no other family could move forward with her.  We’d have to be granted “pre-approval” from China to proceed with the adoption but as we left for the party that night, I was super excited about this little girl.  We enjoyed the party that night but I could not get that little girl off my mind.  I’ll admit it.  I was daydreaming about hair bows and smocked dresses.  

We got an email that Monday morning.  Kathy was very apologetic, but in a nutshell, she had sent us the little girl’s file in error.  We were not qualified to adopt that child.  For those unfamiliar with China adoption, I will spare you the explanation of “Log in Date Only”, special needs versus special focus and the waiver process. The bottom line is we’d been shown a file for a child that China had pre-determined that our family wasn’t qualified to adopt. 

I was crushed.  I literally felt my stomach drop as I read that email.  However, Kathy told me not to give up.  Our agency’s China facilitator wanted to push the paperwork through and see if China would say yes.  Make an exception.  We were warned not to get our hopes up, but our agency didn’t want to pull our application back without trying. 

And, China said no.  It took them a whopping 2 days to give our agency the answer “rules were rules”.  In looking back, I think it was quite merciful of them to come back with their “no” so quickly because I was having a particularly difficult time waiting it out.  At the time, I was upset because I didn’t feel we’d been given a fair look.  But rules are rules and if I’ve learned anything in the past three years it is that China is a stickler for adoption rules.  Black and white and very little in between. 

China said no…and I grieved.  I grieved for that little girl who wasn’t meant to be my daughter.  Although we hadn’t really discussed names too much, in my mind this little girl was Rachael.  I cried many, many big ugly tears, most of them alone where no one saw.  Our agency and my husband knew I was upset but I don’t think anyone knew just how upset.  I don’t think anyone understood what a loss it was for me. 

I am sure this little girl’s family has found her by now.  She is about the same age as my boys – she’d be right in between them, if my memory serves me correctly.  There are many families in line to adopt young baby girls with minor heart problems, especially if they’ve been corrected.  I can’t imagine that she would have been hard to place.  I can’t imagine there was a shortage of families who’d raise their hands and say “Yes”.

I hung on to her picture for the longest time and finally deleted it only a few months ago, while we were in the process of waiting for Kyle to come home.  I came across the email trail from Kathy when I was attempting to organize some of my adoption correspondence (like that actually happened) and took a big, deep breath and hit the delete button.  I never opened her picture between the time China said no and the time that I deleted it.  But, I knew it was there. 

This little girl that I called Rachael was not meant to be my daughter. I hope she has parents who tuck her in to bed at night and comfort her when she is afraid.  I hope the room with the many cribs isn’t even a memory for her now.  I thought of her a lot this weekend while I was at the Halloween party.  I hadn’t been in that house in two years and I remembered so vividly being there and sneaking off to find a spot where I’d get cell phone reception to see if there was an update from our agency.   

Remembering her and remembering how excited I felt at the prospect of being her mom was bittersweet. But, I don’t have regret.  Things are as they are supposed to be and all is right with the world.  There is an old Chinese proverb about an invisible red thread connecting those who are destined to meet and my read thread and hers probably aren’t connected.  Hitting the delete button and sending her picture in to cyberspace made the severance of that connection pretty final, although you never know how and when people are going to touch your life. 

Letting go of that child in October 2011 was painful.  It is only now that I can even admit that to myself.  But time marches on.  In early November, I opened my email and saw that Kathy had sent us another child’s file.  I opened up the picture and laughed out loud.  Usually pictures of babies elicit the “awwwww” response but when I saw this e chubby cherub in pastel green ruffles I literally laughed.  It was hard to look at that child’s picture and not feel happy.  She had the most adorable little cheeks that I just wanted to SMUSH! 

Reading through the file, I learned that she was a he (pastels and ruffles are not exclusively for baby girls in China) and after some reading and discussion, we decided to submit a Letter of Intent.  And this time, China said yes.  This little guy’s red thread was most definitely destined to cross with my red thread.  Of course, this was Zack.  And although that little girl crosses my mind from time to time, I have no regrets.  There is no “what if” or “if only” going on. 

My heart is full. 

So there you have it.  Halloween is a decidedly unemotional holiday.  Pumpkins, sugary treats and spooky stuff are not typically triggers for deep feelings but as I look back at my 2013 Halloween experience, the three words that best describe it are joyful, cheesy and bittersweet.  And, I’ve even learned to embrace the smell of pumpkin guts.  It doesn’t get much better than this. 

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