Today is February 11th – a Tuesday. Driving home from work today, my mind wandered
to mundane end of the day things. I’d
just grabbed a quick late afternoon run. I was relaxed and happy. I was driving along the same road I always take
to go home, wondering if I should detour to the grocery to buy coffee pods or suffer
with instant until the Amazon delivery. Wondering
if bread and butter with the stew I’d thawed out for dinner would be too much
starch. Wondering if my husband had
picked up the kids from daycare or if I’d have to do it. This was a day like any other.
It didn’t occur to me until later on in the evening that today is
the six-month anniversary of Peanut’s Gotcha Day.
We’ve gone through so many ups and downs on the road to the place we are
now. It was surprising – pleasantly so –
that the day that marks Peanut’s six-month mark with our family was a day like
any other.
Six months ago, I was pacing around a hotel room in Jinan,
China. It was Sunday afternoon and my
family and I had rolled in to Shandong Province’s capital city just shy of noon. We’d gotten situated in our hotel room and
had some lunch. The food was good,
although the tea pot full of hot water (sans tea leaves) that had been given to
us as our beverage was a little different.
About an hour after meeting Peanut
Day 2 - not very sure of each other.
I remember the minutes leading up to meeting Peanut with a great clarity. I was hot and sticky,
despite the crankin' AC. I was
wearing two necklaces adorned with colorful plastic bugs…one kept
breaking. I’d set up my laptop and my
mom and some of my sweet adoptive mommy friends were blowing up my Facebook
wall with comments like “can’t wait to see pictures” and “let us know
as soon as you get him”.
While the rest of my family was remarkably chilled, I was anxiously
staring at the phone on the desk, willing it to ring. When it did, my heart jumped in my throat, at
least that’s what it felt like. Even
though I’d been expecting to hear our guide Missy’s voice on the other line,
hearing the words “I am downstairs with your boy and we are coming up” somehow
caught me off guard.
Although I can recall many details about the moments before the
knock on the door that brought Peanut in to our family for keeps, the moments
between then and now have been a blur, a whirlwind. I can hardly believe that six months have
passed since I sat in that hotel room in Jinan waiting on the phone to ring,
in my sweaty dress with my broken bug necklace.
I’m stopping to catch my breath to give an update on how our little guy
is doing.
I won’t rehash the difficulty of our adoption trip or the rocky
roads of our first month home. If you
follow my family, you know it was hard on us, unexpectedly
so. We got through it, as I always knew
we would. I am not sure if I’d go as far
to say that we are the poster family for international adoption, but we’re in a
good place.
Growth &
Development
Since coming home, Peanut has gained about 8 pounds and grown almost
4 inches. He’s gone from wearing 12
month clothing (at three and a half) to a 2T, although his waistbands are a little loose. His little arms and legs have filled out and
although one could certainly not call him a chunkster, he is sporting a couple of
rolls around his middle. He seems to be
gaining height versus girth right now, although he eats like a champ.
Cheese scones with butter - we're all about carbs here
After six months, Peanut’s appetite and food intake continue to
surprise me. For all his progress,
he’s still a really little kid and I can’t believe what he can pack
away. For the most part, he eats
whatever we give him and cleans his plate.
His favorites are any protein heavy foods – especially yogurt and
eggs. Might be his body’s way of telling
him what he needs.
As far as cognitive and motor development go, Peanut is on track for
his age now. The kid who looked at toys in “what the heck” style consternation now expertly
assembles puzzles and train tracks. He
makes “dinner” in his toy kitchen and loves arts and crafts – play dough,
paints, crayons, etc.
I am happy to report Peanut is now potty
trained. Some of his medical issues can
delay potty training, but he seemed interested, so I bought some underwear and
decided to give it a go. Easiest kid
ever to potty train.
School
Kyle is thriving at Children’s World nursery. He moved up to the “Butterflies” room before
Christmas. He is a class with other kids
his age and doing beautifully. We
started him out in the toddler room because he was still adjusting to so many
things, but he’s caught up and then some.
His caregivers report that he’s doing awesome…the one drawback is that
he is now in the same room with Zack, so those two are pretty much together
24/7. That has good points and bad. The teachers say both Kyle and Zack get along
with other kids well but bicker with each other.
Kyle is eager to go to school each morning and sometimes sulks on
non-school days. Being in a classroom
setting has done amazing things for his adjustment and vocabulary. He correctly identifies most colors, matches
objects, counts to ten (kind of) and is starting to sing songs by himself. He’s easy to drop off – he happily goes to
the breakfast table or the play area and will only once in a
blue moon cry when I leave.
He is crazy excited to see me at the end of the day and seems entirely
secure. He announces to the room “my
mommy here” when I show up to take him home.
He’s delightful.
Sibling Rivalry
Peanut and Doodlebug play well together about 80 percent of the time,
which I think is pretty good. They
squabble over what to watch on TV and toys, but not outside of the range of
typical. They do a lot of hands on and
pretend play and cooperate very well.
The bickering comes when they actually play with toys. I said we weren’t going to be one of those
families who buys 2 of everything and the kids were going to have to
suck it up and take turns. Not so
much. We pretty much have doubles of everything now.
First night together in Jinan....oh-so-peaceful!
Still in Jinan...one of Doodlebug's first realizations that "this other kid wants to touch my stuff".
Feb 2014 - relatively peaceful bathtimes (there is a ton of splashing involved daily)
Christmas morning 2013
Chinese New Year 2014 - Happy Year of the Horse!
Me: "Act like you like each other".
They play separately now and then or do activities by themselves in
different rooms. They seem to sense when
it’s time to take a break from each other.
Their verbal abilities are to the point where they can have conversations
with each other, and that is pretty funny to listen to.
Doodlebug: You farted
Peanut: No I didn't, you did
Doodlebug: No, you.
Repeat this about ten times
Doodlebug: Sissy MY best friend
Peanut: No, sissy MY best friend
Doodlebug: We all best friends
Peanut: Doodles, you my best friend
Doodlebug: I not share my grapes
Ninety-nine percent of their squabbles occur over what to watch on
TV. If one child wants to watch Sponge
Bob that will be the ever loving last thing the other one wants to see. I solve the problems by choosing their TV
programs – they’re either both happy or unhappy and it keeps things
simple. Thankfully, Peanut has branched
out to watching other things besides Barney the purple dinosaur. Everyone is happy about that.
Language
Peanut’s English is great and most people who spend time with him can
understand what he says, although his annunciation still needs some work. His Chinese “hold out” word is “bobo” which
he says when he wants to be held or picked up.
Until about 2 weeks ago, he was calling Doodles “didi” (Chinese
for little brother) but he’s using his proper name. While I’m thrilled to see his language
exploding, it makes me a little sad to see how quickly he’s lost his
Mandarin.
Social & Bonding
Peanut is easy going with a side of stubborn.
He’s a pouter when things don’t go his way, but a good tickle fest can
usually cause him to lose his ‘tude quickly. He likes people and likes being out and
about. He’s
not hesitant to interact with strangers but he doesn’t display any
inappropriate affection of familiarity with anyone outside of our close circle,
which is sometimes a concern with adopted kids.
We’ve made great
strides with attachment and bonding over the past few months. Although Peanut quickly accepted us as caregivers, I would not say bonding and attachment came easily for any of
us. He allowed me to meet his needs
from day one and showed clear preference for his parents versus other
adults. He accepted affection and would
give kisses when asked for kisses. He’d
say “I love you” before we left his room at night. All of these things seemed very routine
versus having any real emotion attached to them.
It is difficult to bare the fact that we had attachment/bonding issues with Peanut. I try never to compare any of my children to one another, but my bonding experiences with Sissy and Doodlebug vastly differ from my bonding experience with Peanut. I felt a huge rush of love when my first two kids were placed in to my arms. Even though the circumstances of how I came to parent them was completely different, the instant maternal love was identical. Things were different with Peanut. I'd heard about attachment struggles from the adoption support group I'd joined when we brought Doodlebug home and I used to scoff at the mommies struggling to bond. "They must be doing something wrong", I would smugly think. I was totally in love with my new baby and all I wanted to do was kiss his head. I know he might not have been quite as smitten with me at that point, but I did a lot of eye rolling at mommies who reported concerns about attachment to their new kids.
Bringing Peanut home was humbling. I was suddenly one of "those moms" who was struggling. I'd thought I'd done everything right. I was uber prepared...heck, I was an adoption veteran. But Peanut & me...instant love it wasn't.
My biggest concern
was his lack of need for comfort when upset. He would stand and cry but wouldn’t seek me
out or reach for me. He’d usually allow
me to hold him but wouldn’t lean in, cling or hug back. Although this was worrisome for me, I kept on
showing frequent and liberal affection.
While he wasn’t particularly huggy, he was usually up for sitting on my
lap or next to me out the couch, so I took advantage of these opportunities to
be physically close to him.
Some might find the
phrase “fake it till you make it” distasteful, but the feelings of love and the
bond between Peanut and I was something that had to grow. It wasn’t “instant love” for us. I felt protective but our bond
had to evolve. I credit the
circumstances of the trip and aftermath with some of this. The magnitude of his actual needs compared to
what his paper file said was also a contributor. At any rate, it took a while. And that’s okay.
Some days were just
going through the motions. Some days
were really, really hard. Some days were
golden. We kept plodding on and I cut myself some
slack. And, eventually things fell in to
place.
At about the five
month mark, I noticed things were different.
I sat down to watch TV with Peanut, at his request. He jumped on my lap, took my arm and locked
it around his body. He held on tight,
making sure that I wasn’t going to let go of him. I had only meant to sit for a second. I didn’t really have time to sit at all. But on that evening, Peanut wanted me to hold
him, so I did. I sat through the “Hula
Duck” episode of Ni Hao Kai Lan, which I’ve seen way more times that I ever
want to.
A couple of days
later, I woke up at about three in the morning to find Kyle curled up against
my legs. It’s rare that we don’t wake up
with a kid in our bed, but that kid is never Peanut. Since then, he sneaks in with us about once a week. He doesn’t seem particularly
distressed or afraid…he just comes in to hang out and snuggle,
which is okay.
At six months home,
Peanut will seek me out when he’s distressed or has an “owie”. He bumped his head in our kitchen last week
and my husband picked him up. He allowed
the cuddles and them hollered for “mommy” and held his arms out for me. He definitely thinks daddy is more fun, but
when he’s “in distress” or wants someone to do something for him, he is a
mommy’s boy. That is A-OK with me.
Peanut is one of the bright spots in my day. I absolutely can’t imagine life
without. I love
him every bit as much as my other kids and the stress and doubts present during the early days of our adoption seem like such a long time
ago. Bringing Peanut in to our family was a
commitment that has resulted in some rocky times…and some amazing
blessings.
Me & Peanut 2 weeks ago at a Chinese New Year party
Medical exam in China. We had known each other 6 days.
About an hour after meeting. He was still wondering who the loud redhead was but he tolerated me (I had snacks).
Medical
Peanut continues to be a pretty healthy kid. We have some follow up blood testing to be
done in March – he’s being re-screened for certain parasites and infectious
disease, just as a precaution.
We are also having genetic testing done – our doctor offered it and
we’re going to press forward with it (simple blood testing) to see if there is
any “missing puzzle pieces” we’re able to put together about his medical
history.
On the 26th of February, Peanut is having some testing
done under anesthesia. His urinary
system is going to need some reconstruction – whether that is major or minor,
we’re not sure. The testing will tell
and if it’s a minor fix, they may be able to take care of it on the spot. This will result in some short-term
discomfort for our boy, who isn’t too crazy about any medical professionals in
the first place.
We’re hoping and praying that the fix will be minor. If it isn’t, we’ll likely have to readdress
this when we get to wherever we’re going in the fall of 2014. If things look complicated, we simply don’t
have enough time left in the UK to pursue anything that is going to require a
great deal of follow up care. It’s a
shame because we really do like his urologist and feel comfortable with
him. It would stink to start at square
one once we make the big move.
And there you have
it – six months
I blinked and six months passed by.
I think we’re past the first big hurdle and life is good. I have no idea what the next six months
hold. Much is up in the air for our
family but I am excited to see what is around the corner for us.
On the playground, Feb '14, enjoying rare English winter sunshine...brrrrr!
My crazy crew
We are in contact with the staff at Peanut’s orphanage. We exchanged email info with them at the time
of adoption and they send us a note about every other month. We send them pictures and let them know that
he is okay…we have yet to really give them any info or ask questions but
we’re very fortunate the door is open.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open that door. The condition Peanut was in when we adopted him
causes me some angst, although I believe they did care for him and thought
they were doing the best they could. A
friend reminded me that it wasn't my door. Until Peanut is old enough to decide if he
wants to open that door, I am sort of the doorstop. Perhaps my willingness to communicate will
bring answers one day. For now, I’m
content not to ask questions.
Peanut’s extreme fear of medical personnel and dogs continue to
perplex me. I get that the poking and
prodding he has to endure isn’t fun, but his reaction goes beyond what makes
sense. Now that
he has some language ability, he’s told me “dogs eat your face”. He shows no signs of ever being bitten, but I
kind of wonder if he saw someone bit or if someone told him this. We happened on a lady walking
some sort of poodle mix on our way home from school last week and he about
climbed up my leg. For Peanut, there is no
“nice doggy”.
Peanut is a treasure, a challenge, a blessing and sometimes, a bit of
a mystery. Looking forward to so many
more milestones and firsts with you, sweet boy.
I am so honored to be your mom and “saying yes” to you is something I
thank God for every day.
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I wonder if these two birth mothers need peace. If they do, I wish I could provide it. While their choices must have been agonizing,
I would like them to find comfort in the fact that these boys have brought me a
lot of joy. I can’t put myself in their
position, but I am very thankful for these two women and will think of them and
celebrate them every Mother’s Day for as long as I live. 
