On Sensitivity

"She is soooo sensitive about adoption”. 
 

“She is really sensitive about China and Asians.”

I wonder how many times these words have been said over the past 3 years.  I am not in the habit of keeping track of what other people say about me, but I am willing to bet that my “adoption sensitivity” has been commented on a time or two by people I know. 

We’ve all heard the stereotypical funny about the Chinese restaurant serving up "cat foo yung".  We may have snickered about “flied lice” being on the menu and attempted some sort of Chinese accent.  A few years ago, I might have thought those things were mildly amusing.  I don’t now.  My perspective is different.  Does that make me sensitive? 

I don’t think I’m particularly sensitive about our adoptions, adoption in general, Asians or China.  I have a different sense of what is and is not okay to say than I did a few years ago. 

I “un-friended” someone on Facebook a few months ago because she posted something that made reference to Chinese children coming from a “vachina”.  I decided I didn’t want to see stuff like that on my wall, so I “un-friended” her.  I chanted “I un-friend thee” three times, clapped my hands and so it was done.  Kidding…it’s a simple click of a button.  This person got a little aggressive and complained that I should have let her know that the post offended me.  It wasn’t a positive exchange and it ended with her calling me the “S Word”.  "You’re just so sensitive". 

People, there is a difference between sensitivity and calling BS.  I am not the sensitivity police, nor is it my obligation to “gently explain and educate” each time someone says something dumb.  Or posts it.  Or tweets it.  You get the picture.  Anyone who gets a chuckle over a reference to one of my kids coming from a “vachina” isn’t someone I want to interact with on any level, and I can make that choice.  I shouldn’t have to explain why that is offensive.  If slapping a big "S" on my chest somehow mitigates the level of offensiveness of things like that…rock on.  But I don’t buy it. 

I don’t find it even slightly amusing when someone suggests my kids might find a household pet tasty if served up in a stew.  I don’t find it cute when someone calls them “Wang Chung, Ching Chang, or Jackie Chan”.  I don’t react particularly well to the question “how much did they cost”.  Or “OMG that is the cutest thing ever, I want one”.  Or “I wish I would have known you were going to China, you could have picked up an extra one for me.”  I am not sensitive because I take offense to things like this or call you out for saying them.   

The comments above are tacky (and yes, I have heard them all firsthand).  Whether or not they’re mean spirited is not the point.  They’re offensive and I’m within my right to be hurt or angry when they are said.  I’m under no obligation to stop what I’m doing and explain the obvious to someone because they’re thoughtless or ignorant. 

I’m sure I’d probably get some stink eye if I asked other people about their credit score or if they dye their hair.  If I asked someone I’d just met “say, I hear you just got a face lift!  How much did that set you back?  Just curious”; I’d probably be perceived as very rude.  My retort of “aw…you’re just sensitive” probably wouldn’t fly. 

My kids aren’t things.  To compare them to cartons of milk we can grab of the shelf at a store is wrong.  Tacky.  I take offense to the comparison.  That doesn’t make me sensitive. 

Yes, my skin is a lot thicker than it was a year ago.  I can often blow off “well meaning” comments and questions just as easily as I can bite someone’s head off…but truly, that does depend on my mood and the situation.  There is a line between ignorance and offensive.  My anger or hurt over something that crosses that line shouldn’t be interpreted as sensitivity. 

Firing back with the “you’re so sensitive” defense is nothing but an attempt to deflect something that was thoughtless, if not necessarily hurtful.  I call foul.  A simple “I’m sorry” or “I shouldn’t have said that/asked that” might be a better response. 

I am not an overly “politically correct” person.  I’m a mom protective of her kids, like most moms are.  Am I going to rid the world wide web of thoughtlessness and insensitivity?  Uh…no.  But I believe I owe it to my boys to stand up for them and teach them to do what is right.  To have no reaction to someone putting a picture up suggesting my kids came from a “vachina” sends the message that it is OK to post, share and giggle over something like that.  I highly doubt my reaction made any real difference to the number of people who posted, laughed at or shared that picture. But did it make one person think twice about clicking “like” on that picture or sharing it with a new group of people?  I will never know.  But I’d like to think it did. 

I will do the best I can to see my boys grow up as strong and confident men.  They may someday have enough angst over their beginnings in life without having to contend with someone telling them “hey dude, you came from a vachina.”  My “sensitivity” isn’t going to protect them from every situation where they’re going to need thick skin.  Just like their mommy.
 

If you've enjoyed reading my blog, you can also follow on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/welcometojillvillepeople