Language

One of the most common questions I was asked about both of our adoptions was “do they speak English?”

The answer of “no” seemed to surprise a lot of people I know.  Not sure why – Chinese toddlers living in China being cared for by Chinese people?  The average person in China does not speak English.  On both of our adoption trips to China, we relied heavily on the guides our adoption agency provided for us for anything beyond the most basic point and grunt communication. 

My unconcerned “no” seemed to baffle a lot of people I know.  Here I was about to be handed this child (forever) who I did not share a common language with and this did not even register on the list of things I was prepared to be worried about.  There were a lot of things I was worried about with both of my boys, but language was never one of those things. 

When we were preparing to adopt Kyle, we got a lot of questions about how the boys were going to communicate with each other.  Mostly by people who’d never seen two small children “play” together.   There seemed to be a lot of curiosity over whether or not Zack’s Chinese would come back to him.  More than once, I got a concerned comment about them ganging up on me, speaking in a tongue I don’t understand.  Boy, would I be in trouble. 

My boys’ ability to adapt to the English language amazes me every day.  Some of their ease has to do with the fact that they’re so young.  The fact that they are probably brilliant doesn’t hurt, either.  Seriously, if your small child were suddenly thrust in to a home environment where the family spoke only Mandarin (or Spanish, or Swahili, you get the idea), they would very quickly learn to understand that language.  Their ability to speak that language would come pretty quickly also, and, after the passage of enough time, they’d forget how to speak English.  After more time, they’d no longer understand it. 

I try often to consider our adoptions from our boys’ perspectives.  They were both too young to really understand what was going on at the time and probably couldn’t grasp why the people that were familiar to them were pushing them toward strange looking, strange sounding people and saying “they are your new family.  Go with them”.  I can’t imagine how funny we sounded to them and wonder if they were frustrated or just puzzled that our mouths were making sounds that were so unfamiliar to them.  "These aliens are my parents...what, what?"

With really young kids, communication is not that hard at first.  There is lots of pointing, lots of gestures.  The words are pretty basic.  Potty, cookie, night-night, bye-bye…you get the idea.  So considering that, it’s not such a stretch to realize that these brilliant, resilient children pick up English so quickly.  With both of my boys, receptive language came really quickly.  I am convinced they both understood three quarters of what we were saying to them by the time we left China. 

I will tell you that learning “banana” took about an eighth of a second - possibly less.  Learning the meaning attached to “no, don't do that!” accompanied by the mommy stink eye took a little longer.  Shocking. 

Kyle has been home for a bit over two months now and he astounds me with how quickly he’s learned to speak English.  To be sure, he is going to be a little language delayed because he’s not a native English speaker, but he will catch up, as Zack has.  If how far he’s come in two months is any indication of how quickly he’s going to learn, then he’s going to learn fast!  Did I already mention the whole brilliant thing? 

Of course, Kyle was a full year older on adoption day than Zack was.  I’m not sure if having more Mandarin language skill makes it easier or harder to get used to English.  I really think having Zack around to lead him astray show him the way is helping him learn to speak English more quickly. 

For all of you Kyle watchers out there, I will post a more comprehensive report of how he is doing when I write his 90 days home post.  For now, here is a bit of what he is saying:

-      “That way”

This is meant to establish direction (I think I said this before, but he and Zack are HUGE backseat drivers).  “That way” is also meant to show me where to put something or where something is at.  He uses the phrase synonymously with “right there”.  If I’m dishing up mashed potatoes, he points to his plate and says “that way”.  Fair enough, kid.  

-      “I do it/I did it”

Kyle is a typical independent three and a half year old who wants to dress himself, climb in to the tub by himself and pour his own milk.  He doesn’t have all of the motor skills to do these things yet (although he can dress himself pretty well, given enough time) but he sure has the enthusiasm.  I love seeing that look of joy that accompanies “I did it!” 

-      “Ohhhh, Mommy” – this means several things depending on the tone.  It can mean he’s excited about something we’re doing or disappointed in something I’ve told him “no” on.  Sometimes his tone resembles a reprimand, like I’ve somehow failed him.  He is just one step away from that “so disappointed in you” head shake.  He’s probably already contemplating the quality of my “assisted living”. 

Actually, in the three days since I’ve began writing this post, Kyle’s language is really taking off.  When Lee came home from work yesterday, Kyle ran up to him and told him very clearly that Zack had fallen down and had hurt his back.  I think the sentence went something like “Didi fall down, owie back. Did owie back at school.”  He is amazing.  It just blows me away every time I think of it, to see how far he has come in such a short time.  And yes, Zack fell over a chair in our house and bruised his back.  It is our little “school” table in the house where we do crafts and learning games with the kids. 

I was playing Simon Says with the boys last night (and they don’t 100% get the concept of Simon Says but they really like the mimicking) and Zack’s words really amazed me.  I know I keep typing different derivatives of the word “amaze” and its getting redundant, but really…there is no other word that fits.  Zack was saying stuff like “hands on head”; “touch nose with both hands”; “kick your feet”; and my personal favorite “wiggle wiggle your booty booty”.   I had a little bit of a bad day yesterday, and honestly people, there really is no better cure for grumpiness than playing Simon Says with two three year olds.  Try it sometime. 

Like all little boys, Zack is making his venture in to “bathroom humor”.  Snippets like “I eat poop” followed by gales of hysterical laughter are part of our dinner conversation.  FYI, he doesn't really eat poop.  SOMEONE that lives in our house told the littles that the jar of Nutella was a jar of poop.  They really like Nutella and all attempts to explain to them that their dear father was KIDDING when he said the Nutella was poop have not really been successful.  Sigh.  Anyhoo...this past weekend, I was stationed at my usual stove-side post (these kids are eating machines) and asked Zack if he wanted some more scrambled eggs (after he inhaled his serving in about 3.7 seconds).  He indicated that he was receptive to my offer by holding out his plate and saying “more egg booty please.”  Oh, lucky me.  At least he said please. 

International adoption is a crazy, stressful, wild ride.  I can’t even compare it to a roller coaster ride because this crazy train I’m on makes a roller coaster look like the merry go round at Chuck E. Cheese (and I’m totally an expert on Chuck E. Cheese now…true that).  My kids are miracles.  To see them bloom and flourish because they know the love and security of a family is something that I can’t quite put words to, and people, if you’ve read this far, you know that I usually don’t have problems finding words. 

Thinking about international adoption?  Afraid of the language barrier issue?  It isn’t an issue.  Yes…with older kids lack of common language is initially a bigger deal, but something that can be learned shouldn’t deter you from something wonderful. 

Know someone who is in the process of international adoption?  Support them.  Love them.  Make them some picture cards or gift them with some paint or art supplies that utilize the senses beyond the spoken language.  Resist the urge to ask “but how will you communicate?” 

I totally wish my boys could retain their Mandarin.  I totally wish I could speak their “mother tongue” beyond badly pronounced “Nee How”, “Shay Shay” and “Say Jan”.  Someday, maybe I will be in a place where we’re able to remedy that.  I have not forgotten their Chinese heritage, nor will I allow them to forget it.  But…we’ve had to focus on a common language for the here and now and English it shall be. 

My kids don’t speak Chinese to gang up on me.  They don’t need to.  I think there is an unspoken “bro code” at work that totally takes care of that.  Case in point – this morning, I was greeted with the site of our “trainer potty” sans the bowl with the toilet seat flung to the side with two sippy cups nesting inside.  Seriously….is there some kind of frat party going on in my house at 6AM?  When I asked (okay screeched in my yucky “pre-coffee” voice) “where is the rest of the potty?” they both looked at me like I was speaking….well…Chinese. 

All is well here.  I’m outnumbered by boys and am plotting on how to even the odds (and part of me says that just to keep people guessing).  And...to end with a quote from the awesome movie Parenthood:  "It was just so interesting to me how a ride could make me so frightened, so sick, so excited, so sick, so thrilled all at the same time.  Some didn't like it.  They went on the merry go round.  That just goes around.  Nothing.  I prefer the roller coaster.  You get more out of it."  I prefer the roller coaster.  Most definitely.  Cheers, people.