Adoption Disruption - Part 2 of a 3 Part Series

Part I of this post laid out some definitions surrounding adoption termination and gave an overview of the China Waiting Child process:
http://jillr-addingbranchestoourfamilytree.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/adoption-disruption-part-1-of-3-part.html
I wanted readers to have a clear picture that choosing a waiting child through this adoption program is a deliberate process with many levels of commitment.  If anyone thought this process involved any sort of “Hmm…we’ll take that one…wait, no, this isn’t right.  We’d like a do-over”, then hopefully my roadmap in the previous post got rid of those notions. 

Why does disruption happen?  Is it happening more frequently?  That is a hard question to answer, since accurate stats aren’t kept on this.  What makes a family that has waited for a child, “fallen in love” with a picture, spent tens of thousands of dollars and endured a mountain of paperwork say “no” and hand a child back on or after Gotcha Day?  Are they bad people?  I doubt this very much.  People might get on the plane to China with unrealistic expectations but I would sincerely hope that no one gets on the plane with the expectation they won’t come home with their child. 

“China Lied”

Some people blame inaccurate information in the child’s file for disruption.  If I’ve heard “China lied” once, I have heard that a hundred times over.  Files contain inaccuracies.  Sometimes they are downright misleading. PAPs (that is pre adoptive parents) need to be prepared for inaccuracy, inconsistency and straight up w-r-o-n-g info in a child’s file.   This is a fact and if agencies and social workers aren’t preparing us better for this possibility, then they are doing the families and the children a disservice.  They need to do better. 

I have firsthand experience with this. While Zack’s file was spot on and the child we were handed on Gotcha Day was 100 percent what we were expecting, we had an entirely different experience with Kyle.  While I think that “China left some stuff out” I wouldn’t go so far as to say “China lied”.  Maybe stuff was lost in translation.  Maybe the doctor was in a hurry that day. Maybe someone cut and pasted.  At any rate, the condition of the child we were handed was not what we expected.

I don’t, in most cases, agree with in-China disruptions, but boy do I understand the “oh crap, what have we gotten in to” factor that happens when you are tired, emotional, jet-lagged, stressed out, scared and far from home and what is familiar.  I truly sympathize with families who are handed children with needs they are not expecting.  If you believe you are adopting a child with a club foot, you shouldn’t expect to be given a child with club foot and cerebral palsy. Aside from this, families need to expect worst case scenario for the medical need they were aware of when submitting intent to adopt that child.  Worst case scenario, and if someone doesn’t hand that information to you on a platter, find it.  Do your homework.  Don’t stick your head in the sand and tell yourself “love conquers all”.  It doesn’t always. 

I took the info in Kyle’s file at face value.  If I’d have been prepared for worst possible scenario with his particular medical issue, I’d have been in better shape that first month.  I’d also have known his “surprise” was something that went hand-in-hand with “the known” and would have probably looked for it.  I would have saved myself some stress, guilt and grief and more importantly, I’d have been more prepared to parent him in those early days.  We got by and we’re doing great now, but those first days were rougher than they should have been. In the great big picture, things with both our adoptions went pretty well.  Yes, there were bumpy spots but from the “other side” view, we are very, very lucky.  

The first time I heard about disruption was when a parent in one of my social networking groups reported having to make the hard decision to leave their child in China and come back without to the United States without her.  I don’t know the scope of this child’s anticipated medical issues, but the parents were painted a picture of a child who was cognitively on track.  She attended school and was reportedly doing well.  They were handed a six year old that was developmentally about eighteen months old.  They were able to obtain some additional medical evaluation in China and were told “this is as good as it gets”.  The parents chose not to adopt her and came back.  They later returned to China and adopted another child.     

I was shocked to learn stuff like that had happened. Nothing in my parent education had prepared me for a situation like that.  I tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered what kind of decision I’d make in their place.  I couldn’t come up with an answer.  Some say there are no guarantees in parenting.  Some say special needs adoption is different and that a family does and should get a say-so in what type of medical needs they are equipped to parent.  And honestly…I straddle the fence on that one.  We don’t get that choice with our “homegrown” kids.  Parenting any way you go about it is chock full of unknowns.  What is the right answer?  Is there one?

Over the past three years, I’ve heard virtual whispers about disruptions and dissolutions. It happens. We all know it, but it’s something we don’t talk about openly. Daring to talk about disruption is viewed as being “mean” and “unsupportive” to a fellow PAP (remember, that's pre-adoptive parent, people).  Talking about the ugly side of adoption potentially scares PAPs off.  Scaring PAPs off might result in a decrease in adoptions.  Whether you want to look at that as less revenue for agencies or more children spending their lives without families, I don’t think the fear of “scaring someone off” should deter us from telling the truth, even when the truth is ugly.  Especially when it is ugly.  Maybe some PAPs need to be a little bit scared. 

I have compassion for any family in a situation where they feel they have to consider disruption.  Disruption is shrouded in silence for a reason...come on...putting myself in the position of a parent who has made those decisions, heck no, I wouldn’t want to talk about it, either.  Regardless of the circumstances that has got to be an agonizingly painful decision to make. But, on the other side of the coin, we have the children.  Children in situations like these:

Family decided their newly adopted ten year-old daughter “wasn’t a good fit” based on her behavior in China.  They brought her to the United Sates so that she wouldn’t have to go back to the orphanage and “re-homed” her within days of coming home.  I am not sure if the child was permanently adopted by the other family or if the family who brought her home eventually took her back, but I do know that the family was at one point pursuing another “older child” adoption from China.   

Family decided that they “just didn’t feel bonded” to their toddler after eight months and gave her up.  It just wasn’t “working out”.  How much professional intervention and counseling that occurred is unclear. The child was adopted by another family through a "second chance" adoption. 

Family was upset that a two year old whose listed special need was “developmental delay” wasn’t walking steadily upon first meeting and said “no” almost instantly.  (If a file says “developmental delay”, prepare for that.  If a file doesn't say developmental delay, prepare for that anyway).

Family decided that the child who wouldn’t make eye contact or interact with them during the first twenty-four hours was autistic and handed her back the day after they met her. 

Family upon meeting their child with a cleft palate, made the snap diagnosis (parents weren’t medical professionals) that the child “must have” cerebral palsy because she was wobbly and had poor muscle tone.

After endless paperwork, scrutiny, waiting and expense, these families did a 180 in a very short span of time with limited information and little to no professional intervention.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around it all and yes...it is hard not to judge and finger point.  But blame laying and judgment aside, who suffers? The kids do.   

I can look at my limited and possibly incomplete info on all of these situations that I gained first and second hand and tell you what I think I’d do…but who really knows what they’d do in someone else’s shoes until they walked in them.

So back to the question, why does this happen?  I have a couple of theories.  One is that parents are trying to make the Waiting Child program, which is a special needs program fit in to the mold and take the place of the traditional non-special needs adoption program.  Yes, I mean the program where you wait seven plus years for a healthy, very young baby girl.  Many parents who were in the non-special needs line are flocking now to Waiting Child.  Because let’s face it – most families pursuing adoption are going to be turned off by a seven year wait.  That is a fact. 

I think there are a lot of us out there that are trying to adopt non-special needs kids through the special needs program.  Come on…cleft lip?  Port wine stains?  Eczema? Older child adoption?  These are the kinds of things that will land a child on the special needs list in China.  We tell ourselves these things are “no big deal”.  If I had a nickel for every family out there who has said “how hard could it be” I’d be a wealthy chick. 

There are more serious conditions such as congenital heart and pulmonary diseases, thalassemia, mild cerebral palsy, anal atresia, and hydrocephalus. If you don't know what they are Google them some time.  Parents read about kids with these types of needs and convince themselves that these needs are “practically nothing, a non-issue”.  I’ve been one of those parents. 

Minor is in the eye of the beholder. I think there are plenty of parents saying yes to kids with complex conditions without fully understanding what that condition entails.  Without fully understanding the worst case scenario or possible collateral, long-term effects of these conditions, we let a heart-wrenching picture of an adorable face and sad eyes make the decision. Educating ourselves about what this special need, this medical condition really entails?  Worst case?  Pshaw, who needs that?  Love conquers all.  Yes, that was sarcasm…but I think that is where some of our problem lies. 

Don’t get me wrong – I think there are plenty of families who tackle international adoption with their eyes wide open and armed with information, even experience.  But I also know there are plenty of families who follow their heart and take an uneducated leap of faith.  And I think some of these families are in a prime position for adoption failure. 

Medical worst-case scenarios, difficulty in bonding and attaching and adoption termination are not openly discussed amongst PAPs on social networking sites.  We have built “safe haven” communities restricted to post adoptive parents where we can say things that won’t scare off the PAPs.  We get our virtual hands smacked if we dare to bring up disruption and dissolution – the dreaded “D words” in a public forum.  As an adoption community, we take great steps to maintain a strict code of collective silence about the ugly side of adoption.  To this I say:  PAPs, you need to be afraid.  You need a good dose of reality.  Hope for the best but know what worst looks like. 

When we were just starting out and before we looked at Zack’s file, I was advised by more than one person to adopt a “heart baby” from a Province X because “those heart babies always turn out to be completely healthy with no heart issues.  You’ll get them home and there will be nothing wrong with them.”  Although a lot of families consider mild heart issues a minor need, this is one thing that scares the heck out of me and it wasn’t on our list of conditions we raised our hand for.  To deliberately pursue adopting a child whose medical issues were out of the scope what we felt we could manage based on rumors and maybes sounded like a bunch of hooey to me.  But there are probably people out there that swallowed this.  Maybe sometimes the outcome is okay.  Maybe it isn’t. 

Even in the best of circumstances where the child’s medical condition matches the file, you can still see developmental delays, orphanage behavior, malnutrition and parasites.  Bonding (in either direction) may be instant or may be a struggle.  A parent may feel that “something is wrong” because they don’t feel love for the child right off the bat, or even during the first few months.  You might not even like the child.  They might be scared and acting out.  They might be testing you.  They might be limp, lethargic and shut down, causing a scared parent’s imagination to jump to severe delays, cerebral palsy, or brain damage.  And by the way, Dr. Google and “Web MD” are going to validate what you think you’re looking for and probably aren’t going to provide good direction when you’re doing a stressed out internet search at two in the morning in China because you’re having second thoughts about the kid you were just handed. 

Two weeks in China doesn’t give you a good and accurate look in to what the child is really like…barring truly exception circumstances, give your child a chance.  Take him or her home and allow them to blossom and recover from the extreme shock and trauma that their adoption day might be to them.  Talk to your adoption agency and your social worker.  Let them talk you through what your options are.  The choice to disrupt in China is to make a forever decision for your family and that child who has waited for you in a very short span of time under stressful circumstances. 

One of the reasons that we chose China is because we found it “logistically desirable”.  One trip.  Two weeks or less.  Get kid, in and out. Is this the best way for us?  For the children?  It’s certainly the least time-consuming most cost effective way.  I am not suggesting that that I have the answers to how to overhaul the adoption system, but it makes my blood pressure rise when I hear about a disruption or dissolution about every other week.  This should be a rare occurrence not an unfortunate, accepted side effect of international adoption.

There are limited stats on adoption disruptions.  No one likes to talk about it.  If agencies see it as a failure, imagine how the parents concerned see it?  I find it very hard to empathize with this situation and I am certain my bias is present in my writing.  That aside, this is most certainly an emotionally traumatizing, heart breaking experience that is riddled with guilt. 

If there is a lack of education and awareness on one end, there is probably a lack of compassion and care for the family on the other end that makes most – not all but most – unwilling to come forward with their “why story”. 

Part III of this post focuses on the aftermath of disruption, healing for the family involved, and the way forward.  Is this going to be something we continue to whisper about?  Are we going to continue to have the “this will never happen to my family” mindset or can we make this better? 

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Adoption Disruption - Part 1 of a 3 Part Post

Social networking gives the world a front row seat to adoption stories.  Blogs and orphan advocacy websites show photos of waiting children that capture our hearts and sometimes break them.  Many of these kids have minor medical issues that put them on the “special needs list”.  Some of these needs are so minor that no one would bat an eyelash about them if they’d only been born in the United States.  But, in China, sometimes being born with a cleft lip, a club foot or even a birth mark will result in abandonment by your birth family and subsequent life in an orphanage. 

We see YouTube clips of these beautiful children being placed in the arms of their “Forever Family” on a day sometimes referred to as “Gotcha Day”.  The joy on the face of the mom as she finally holds the child that has been prayed for and anticipated for so long will bring a tear to almost anyone’s eye. 

We see photos on Facebook and Instagram with captions such as “one less” or “orphan no more”.  We watch these scared little ones bloom and flourish under the care of their families.  We watch thin limbs fill out and pale cheeks turn rosy with the good nutrition and fresh air.  “Look what love can do”, we say. 

We read blogs that tell happy adoption stories.  We see glowing posts with titles like “Six Months with Kyle” telling adoption success stories in words and pictures. We show the world what a wonderful blessing adoption is.

While I do agree that adoption is wonderful and that adding Kyle and Zack to our family are two of the best decisions my husband and I ever made, there is a less rosy side to adoption, an ugly side that we “virtually” whisper about but rarely discuss openly.  I am going there.  I am dipping my toes in. 

Disclaimer:

I know quite a lot about the China Waiting Child (Special Needs) adoption program, but that is the only adoption program I’m familiar with. All of my info/research goes in that direction.

Nothing personal.  I’m doing my best to be respectful in discussing why I think a decision I’ve never had to make is wrong.  I am not holier than thou and I am fully aware that I am being critical of shoes I’ve never had to walk in. 

So, here we go. What is an adoption disruption? 

An adoption disruption is the termination of an adoption before it is legally completed.  An example of an adoption disruption would be a family deciding on their Gotcha Day or shortly after not to continue with the adoption.  The child is returned to their orphanage and the parents return from China without a child.   

So, what is an adoption dissolution? 

An adoption dissolution is the termination of an adoption after it is legally completed.  An example of dissolution would be a family seeing the process through in China, bringing their child back to the United States (where they are automatically granted citizenship) and then deciding to sever the parental relationship.  Typically, this is done by “re-homing” the child.  Many adoption agencies facilitate “second chance” adoptions to help place children in this circumstance in to loving homes.  Illegal, underground “re-homing” has received some press recently.  See the link below.  Second chance adoptions are essentially domestic adoptions when handled according to the law of the state where the dissolution takes place.

http://www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption/#article/part1

Here are a few facts about adoption.  I lay this out to illustrate the deliberateness of the process and what the families options and commitments are along the way.  Also, I offer some unpleasant facts about kids who live in institutions for any length of time, regardless of what medical need they might have. 

FACT:  Parents get limited information on their child when making their decision to adopt them.  An adoption file contains pictures that may or may not be recent and a few pages of medical and biographical information that may or may not be accurate.  Adoption agencies can “lock” a file to allow a family a chance to review it without the worry that another family will move forward.  Yes, I know this sounds like child shopping and there is an element to this that I find unsavory, but that is the process.

FACT:  A family can have their family doctor or an international adoption doctor review the file and give input.  The international adoption doctor will usually give the “worst case scenario” based on the information presented. 

FACT:  Once the family moves forward with that child, the file isn’t viewable or listed, meaning no other families get to look at it.  The child is “off the shelf” for the rest of the process, even if that is a year or more.  And yes, I know the terms are distasteful but that is the way it is.

FACT:  A family can use a third party service to get updates on the children while they wait.  An update usually costs between $50-$100.  Most orphanages will work with the third party service; some will not.  An update usually consists of a few new pictures and up to ten questions answered.  Parents can ask specific questions about developmental milestones, likes & dislikes, and such.  Some agencies discourage families from getting these updates, others encourage.  Some agencies get the updates for the family but that is becoming less common. 

FACT:  The child being adopted may or may not know they have a family coming.  At a certain point in the waiting process, the family is allowed to send pictures and gifts.  The orphanage isn’t required to give the child the things the family sends and some don’t. Sometimes the child will be photographed with the gifts and the pictures will be sent to the parents.  Sometimes the gifts will be sent back with the kids on adoption day, obviously unused.  I felt very fortunate when I got two dog-eared and dirty photo albums on Zack and Kyle’s adoption days. 

FACT: Small children are too young to understand what “you’re getting your own mommy and daddy” means.  They might be told the words but when you’re a three year old who has lived in a room full of cribs your entire life that might not mean very much to you.  Some of the older children (in China kids can be adopted up until they are 14) don’t want to be adopted and some aren’t told about what is happening until shortly before they meet their new parents.  This varies from orphanage to orphanage. 

FACT:  There are two times in the process when parents are required to sign paperwork saying they will never abuse or abandon that child.  The first time is upon submission of intent to adopt that particular child, at the beginning of the process.  The second time is during the official portion of the adoption in China, the day after you meet the child for the first time.  Both of these pieces of paperwork are submitted to the Chinese government.  The second has about ten trillion signatures and red ink fingerprint stamps all over it.  It makes you get that they mean business.  Never abandon. 

FACT:  Despite the fact that many Chinese children are abandoned by their birth families, China views foreign adoption as a privilege, not a right.  They are in no way required to allow us to adopt these kids and we’re not entitled to do it.  China does not seek us out to adopt their children.  It is entirely the other way around. 

FACT:  Children who are raised in orphanages are probably going to have delays in addition to whatever medical condition/special need they are labeled with.  As babies, they might be bundled in six layers of clothing and confined to a crib most of the day.  Motor development and muscle tone might not be on target.  They might not walk, talk and eat the same as other kids their age.  Some Chinese babies are bottle fed for much longer than what we would believe to be normal.  Imagine a three year old that has to be taught to chew.  These kids might not have good eye contact because their socialization has been limited.  They might self-soothe because there hasn’t been anyone there to comfort them.  They might have lice, scabies or sores on their bottom from unclean conditions or sitting in the same diaper for hours.  Some orphanages are great.  Some kids are lucky enough to live in foster homes or group homes.  Some orphanages have volunteers (usually Westerners) that come in to hold and play with the babies.  Some orphanages are not so great and there are hundreds and hundreds of orphanages in China.  China is a big, big place, people. 

FACT: PAPs (pre-adoptive parents) are required to go through parent education that is monitored by a social worker.  This varies from agency to agency and state to state.  This training is supposed to prepare PAPs to accept and parent the post institutional child.  But does it?

  
So there you go. Despite a pretty rigorous, well-defined adoption process, this doesn’t work out for all families. There are some families that don’t have the “happy ending” adoption stories and for some families, love is not enough.  There are families that get approved to adopt that probably shouldn’t and there are families who don’t get the level of parent education that they probably need.  There are families who get on the plane to China with unrealistic expectations of what is about to happen.

Part two of this post will focus on reasons for disruption and post-adoption dissolution.  Stay tuned, people. 

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Have preschoolers; will travel

Reflecting on a 4 day, multi-destination road trip/mini vacation with two four(ish) year olds, here are my take-a-ways:

§  Just because you might need help pulling up your britches doesn’t mean you don’t need privacy in the potty. 

§  Allowing children to have toy swords in the car (even if said swords are made of foam) is a very bad idea.

§  Google Maps sucks – no way to sugar coat that one.    

We rolled outta town on a sunny Friday afternoon and got home at dinner time on Monday.  All in one piece, everybody still speaking to everybody else - mostly.  We had great fun, made some great memories and got some great pictures. 

We bravely put our (relatively newly) potty trained kids in their car seats in underpants – yes, people…NO pull ups!  Brave or stupid – you make the call.  We rolled out at three in the PM.  Actually, the kids decided to get in the car on their own while Lee and I were loading up.  As we got underway, I handed the boys their packet of freeze dried fruit bites I’d bought at the commissary the day before.  These were NOT road tested snacks and I mistakenly assumed that the Mickey and Donald characters on the packet would entice my little darlings to eat these crunchy bits of fruit with the water sucked out.  Not so much.  Before we got on the motorway, the boys had both let me know what they thought of my choice of my choice of car snacks.  They were actually pretty gross. 

 

If I were to put our drive to Daventry in to hashtag speak, it would go like this:

#bitemegooglemaps

#intime4dinner

#nobodypeedtheirpants

We got to the Daventry Court Hotel slightly later than planned, but that’s OK.  A bit of background on why we went here:  earlier in the year, we joined an organization called CACH – Children Adopted From China.  If you are living in the UK and have kids from China, consider checking them out. Google it, people. 

Anyhoo…we went to Daventry for the weekend for the CACH annual “reunion”.  I think the count was 179 families with children adopted from China staying in this hotel.  To say chaos doesn’t describe the atmosphere – but it was well organized, fun chaos.  The reunion had the feel of a retreat.  There were activities for the kids based on their ages and some speakers/seminars for the parents.  There was also a raffle, a silent auction and some other fun vendors that were raising monies for various charities connected with China, adoption or orphan care – one of my favorites, Love Without Boundaries was the beneficiary of one of the vendor stalls.

Most of these families have adopted girls from the NSN (non-special needs program).  I am not sure of all the details, but I know that Waiting Child/Special Needs adoptions from China are relatively new in the UK.  Many of these families have been coming to this event for years – I talked to one mom who said it was her eleventh year.  There are quite a few older teens and it was very enlightening to hear some of their thoughts on growing up adopted. 

My boys were a novelty.  There were not a lot of boys, which you can see from the group photo.  Two (ever so stylishly dressed) little guys who totally got taken for twins all weekend produced a round of “ooohs and awwwws” wherever we went.  Novelty or not, they had a great time. 

 

After check in and a buffet dinner, we headed to the disco with our kids.  Yes, with some reservations…I mean…hello?  Responsible parenting equals taking your toddlers to disco at half past eight on a Friday night?  Well, that is what we did and we had a blast.  Our little dudes LOVED dancing.  They loved the bubble machine, the foam machine and the lollipops the deejay kept throwing out, but mostly, they loved the dancing.  They both have some moves…but Kyle does some sort of break dance thing that I am sorry to say I didn’t capture on video.  It’s sort of a hybrid summersault slash dance move.  No idea where he picked that one up.

Our room was pretty nice but crowded.  When you squeeze in not one but two rollaway beds in to a standard room, it does tend to cramp things up a bit.  And, ironically, even though our little bed hopper (Zack) was sleeping in a bed essentially with his brother not three feet from where I slept, he was between Lee and I by dawn each morning.  Go figure. 

After breakfast Saturday AM, the reunion officially opened with a Chinese Lion Dance.  Very cool to see, although Kyle was so not impressed.  In fact, he was straight up terrified and I had to not only hold him, but back far, far away from the “lion”. 

The schedule was chock full of activities and seminars so we could pick what appealed to us – or do our own thing.  Our first event for the day was the “craft deemed suitable for the under 7 crew”.  I think I am to the point where I can write about this without shuddering or needing alcohol.  Since this is the Year of the Horse, someone had the bright idea to have the kids make hobby horses and parade them through the hotel.  “What fun”, we thought and trooped in to the craft room with big happy smiles on our faces.  I’ll confess that we were among the first eager beaver crafters to sit down. 

We were greeted by a sweet and perky lady who cheerfully explained how simple it was to whip together these hobby horses.  She added that since she’d already threaded the needles and made the braids for the bridles, we’d hardly have to do anything beyond helping our little angles stuff some fluff in to recycled socks.  Fun!

 

The stuffing part was fun for the kids.  Then the reality set in that the horsey’s nose, eyes, mane and ears needed to be sewn on.  Our perky craft lady did inform us that there was a pot of paste available for “those people” who wished to take the easy way out and glue the bits on our sock horse but that “sewing was ever so much better”. 

Lee and I looked at each other.  Heck no, we didn’t want to be “those people” who pasted on their horse parts.  So, we set to sewing.  One of us has sewing skills.  It is not me.  I looked up at some point and noticed that people who’d come in after us were sailing out the door with their little darlings toting completed hobby horses.  Although Lee’s mad sewing skills are to be admired, he was definitely going for quality stitching.  Half an hour in and he’d sewn on one nostril.  I was starting to wish for wine and was letting a few curse words slip out. 

Zack and Kyle, having nothing to do that was geared toward them started grabbing scissors, spinning the chairs around and crawling under the tables.  The annoyingly perky craft lady kept reminding us that we needed to hurry up and that it would soon be time for kite making class.  I’d initially thought it would be sort of fun to make a kite, too.  My kite dream was rapidly flying away – pun intended.  Eventually, craft lady took pity on me (really, I think she just wanted to clear the room) and said “give that here, my darling, and let me help”.  She took my horse and sewed on an ear, the mane and assembled the stick thingymadoo in the space of about thirty seconds.  I wanted to stab her.  Then she gave me a hug and I felt just the tiniest bit guilty for mentally comparing her to the devil. 

The kids have hobby horses.  They were able to participate in the parade, which was really cute and good fun for them.  It doesn’t matter now that I have extra gray hair and might still need some talk therapy to address my anger toward perky craft lady (who actually was a lovely woman).  My two little darlings have hobby horses toy mops/pool cues/guns/swords that they will enjoy for years to come for the next week if they’re lucky – the damn things are already falling apart. 

 The rest of Saturday was spent in a fairly relaxed way – as much as one can relax with two little boys in a hotel full of exuberant kids.  We had a picnic outside, spent some time on the bouncy castle and went to a magic show.  The boys went back to the room for a rest and I went to a talk given by a couple and their thirteen year old daughter who had located and formed a relationship with her birth family. 

Millie was adopted from Anhui Province in 2003 and has not only located her biological parents but also the family who cared for her upon her finding.  In China, birth families who cannot care for their children or otherwise choose not to parent them typically leave them in locations where they will be found.  Millie was found by a family who had not been successful in their efforts to get pregnant and who were delighted to find this lovely baby girl on their doorstep.  Unfortunately, her finders were not able to obtain the proper paperwork to keep her and she was taken to the orphanage.  Millie was with this family for a very short time, but she was loved and remembered and finding them was an important piece of her puzzle which ultimately led to the birth parents stepping forward.

This was a “semi happy ending” story – Millie has pieces of her puzzle filled in.  She knows when her exact birthday is (most China adoptees do not…they are given a date range based on estimated age at abandonment).  She also knows why her birth family made the choice they did and got to hear her birth father plead with her to forgive him. 

My kids have stories. I just don't know them. Maybe I never will & maybe they never will, but in some way, I am hopeful that we can find a way to fill in the blanks.  Part of me thinks it is my duty to find out what I can while the “trail is fresh” and part of me thinks the boys should be the one to initiate the search.  What am I going to do if they disagree with the way to approach birth parent searches or if one finds something and the other does not? 

The angst that this young lady is experiencing at facing the birth parents who wrapped her in a blanket and left her on the ground to be found was hard to watch.  The fact that she has answers and finds some comfort in knowing her life puzzle more clearly is encouraging.  Enough with the heavy. 

Saturday’s “gala dinner” left a little bit to be desired.  The room was hot and our kids were cranky and tired.  Kyle fell asleep at the table during the appetizers and I had to get up and get plates for myself, Lee and Zack.  The buffet line was going two different ways and people were colliding and battling for utensils in the middle.  I was underwhelmed by the food – note to chefs across the globe, adding a bunch of ginger to a dish does not make it Chinese.  There were semi decent brownies, though, so that made it all better. 

Kyle woke up and cried for ten minutes but then suddenly decided he was in the mood to disco some more.  Zack was content to dance with the crowd…Kyle was not and kept going up on the stage.  It looked like he was about to crowd surf a couple of times.  The highlight of dinner was when one of my kids peed their pants on the dance floor and had to do the walk of shame to the room to change.  Out of respect for my kids’ dignity should they one day read my blog, I will leave it to you to guess which kid it was.  My lips are sealed.

After dinner was the parade of hobby horses and the closing of the raffle/silent auction.  I have never seen a raffle done quite this way – instead of calling out the prizes, the winning numbers were stuck on the prizes and people were on their honor to take the prize they’d won.  I didn’t win anything here but I did catch myself starting to elbow a few nine year old girls in my effort to make it to the frenzy to get to the table.  Yikes.

I did have some success with the silent auction, though.  I got a very nice Pampered Chef serving set for about a fourth of the price I’d have paid in a catalog.  The money toward the auction benefits a charity called “CACH Back” which awards grants to older teens/young adult to embark upon education or a service project that reflects their Chinese heritage.  Pretty cool. 

We said our goodbyes on Sunday morning and drove on to Kenilworth Castle.  Kenilworth Castle is an English Heritage property – castle ruins and Elizabethan gardens.  There’s a sign out front that said “Queen Elizabeth slept here”.  Not really, but she did spend some time at Kenilworth on one of her summer progresses “back in the day”.  We have a membership to all of the English Heritage sites in the UK, and they usually make nice days out if you like history and stuff like that. 

The day was gorgeous, so spending time outside was pleasant.  We broke out the bubbles, climbed up some steep steps, looked at some rooms that were staged with furniture from Elizabethan times (did pretty good with not touching), played some hide and seek around the garden area and just generally enjoyed the sunshine.  Lots of people having picnics, walking their dogs and just hanging out.  We spent several hours here and ended the day with a purchase of foam swords…so not my idea. 

 

We went on to spend the night at the Old Mill Inn.  The room was so-so but the scenery was completely beautiful.  We sat on the patio and relaxed for a bit before enjoying a really nice dinner.  We did let the boys take their tablets to dinner and we had a relatively “adult” meal in peace.  The boys had homemade ravioli with mushrooms and ice cream for dessert.  There was a couple sitting next to us that was clearly on a romantic night out and they didn’t give us a single glance.  I am pretty sure they weren’t ignoring us…I think that my kids were just that well-behaved.  Yes, I am bragging.  Boom to all of you parents who can’t control your kids in McDonalds.  I am going to claim parenting superiority on this one.  I had a desert and an after dinner sip while my little darlings happily played Angry Birds with the sound turned down. 

Our night was relatively peaceful…the beds were not cushy and the shower wasn’t great, but it was a quiet night and that was good.  The hotel served continental breakfast.  The boys were clearly spoiled by the extensive buffet at the Daventry Court and wanted eggs.  They seemed a little put out to have to settle for cold cereal, yogurt and muffins, but they didn’t starve.  We took a detour on the way home to Wimpole Estate and Home Farm, a National Trust property.  National Trust is similar to English Heritage, but National Trust properties tend to be houses and estates versus castles and ruins. 

We went through the house, which was really cool. The boys do fairly well at things like this, although we have to watch them pretty closely.  There is loads of stuff to look at, but most of it is strictly off limits to touching.  Kyle had to stop and examine the badge of every English Heritage worker.  He was quick to point out that their picture wasn’t on their nametag.  Sometimes he’d ask if they were a doctor and sometimes he’d just declare “you doctor.”  Poor baby…he equates the nametag with medical personnel. 

 

We took a walk through the gardens where Zack tried to feed a very curious cow some turkey jerky.  After that we boarded a tractor (way cool) for the short drive to the farm.  We saw cows, pigs, chicks, sheep, goats, horses, donkeys, ducks and geese and a turkey.  We got a good look at most of the animals, but this wasn’t a petting zoo and it’s not set up to allow kids to pat the animals.  This was all well and fine with Kyle who is apparently afraid of any animal, fenced, caged or otherwise.

We got to witness feeding time in the piggery which was super noisy.  Who knew pigs could make such a racket?  Zack got to throw a couple of eggs in to the pigs and thought that was big fun.  He’d have probably crawled in the pen if he’d been allowed.  Kyle, on the other hand was content to observe the animals from a far, far distance.  He did not like being in the piggery one bit and was pretty excited to get back on the tractor and go back to the car park. 

This was the first road trip that we took with the two little guys in tow.  We haven’t exactly been homebodies since we came home from China at the end of August, but this was the first time we’d ever taken the boys on an overnighter.  They seemed to do really well with hotel living although Zack asked once if we could go home.  They seemed to have a good time, there was minimal whining in the car and they both seemed to settle back in to normal routine once we rolled back home. 

We were pretty “get up and go” people before these two little guys completely rocked our world and turned it upside down – in a good way.  Traveling with little kids can definitely be done.  Maybe at a different pace and doing different things but I foresee some more road tripping as we gear up for our last summer in England.  Wish us luck!

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So You're Thinking About Adoption...

I wrote this about six weeks ago.  One of the social workers from our agency asked for parent contributions for an e-book that will  be used as a reference for parents.  I was asked about what advice I'd give someone just starting their adoption journey.  A few conversations I've had this past week brought this piece I wrote to mind.  Here you go: 
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“Follow your heart”. 

“Go with your gut”. 

In the three years I’ve been connected to the international adoption community, I have heard both these phrases more times than I can count.  Becoming a parent through adoption requires listening to your emotions and your intuition, but the single most important piece of advice I can give anyone considering international adoption is this: 

“Use your head”. 

My husband and I have two sons adopted from China.  One of the most common questions we are asked about our adoptions is “why China?”  My interest in the China Waiting Child program began with a tug on my heartstrings but our family’s decision to move forward was more logic driven. 

Why not an American child?

We ruled out domestic infant adoption because at forty-four and forty-seven, respectively, we thought our ages might be seen as a detractor by a birth mother.  We also felt time was not on our side and didn’t want to wait months or even years for a birth mother to choose us.  We knew a birth mother could back out during any part of the process, forcing us back to square one.  If we were starting the process in our early thirties versus our late forties, we might have looked at this differently.

Most domestic infant adoptions nowadays are open or semi open which did not appeal to us.  While knowledge of the child’s health history would have been a plus, the birth family’s presence in our lives was not something we were comfortable with.  Adoption from foster care was not an option for us because we lived outside the United States at the time we started our adoption journey.  So, international adoption it was.

So, why China versus Ethiopia, Bulgaria, Uganda, Haiti (and everything else out there)

We considered several international programs before deciding on China.  China was the first program that grabbed my heart and the one I kept going back to, but it ended up being the best fit for our family.  What we liked:  the stability and structure of the program, the projected length of time for a referral (relatively quick), the cost (predictable, no hidden fees) and the amount of time spent in the birth country (one trip of a finite length) were all things we took in to consideration. 

The children available for adoption were “true orphans”.  Adoptions in China are regulated by the strict rules of the Hague Treaty.  China has no significant problems with child trafficking and “long lost” relatives showing up at the eleventh hour and wanting payment to disappear is almost unheard of. 

Having a plan versus "accidental adoption"

We decided to adopt because we wanted to parent children together.  People adopt for different reasons – this was ours.  We made the decision to adopt, selected our program, our agency, and our children, in that order.  Some families see a child’s file on a photo listing, fall in love and then make the decision to start the adoption process.  I definitely felt a pull in my heart the first time I saw the picture of each of the two little boys that would eventually become my sons, but I allowed myself these feelings with the knowledge that adoption was a given and that we’d already established a relationship with an agency who would facilitate the adoption. 

Understanding “special needs” and what that means to YOU

Most children in the China Waiting Child program have medical needs.  Most children available for international adoption nowadays either have a medical need or are older children.  Medical/special needs range from extremely minor (birthmarks, missing finger) to fairly severe (complex heart disease/pulmonary conditions).  Some medical needs/conditions can be managed easily or corrected altogether once in the United States. 

Do your homework.  Know going in what needs your family can handle.  Some find it very easy to fall in love with a child’s file – a few pictures and a few pages of data describing the child’s health and social history.  Assessing whether or not the family is capable of (or willing to become capable) of handling a need may be eclipsed by emotion.

A complex need can seem like not such a big deal when accompanied by an image of a precious face.  Scary sounding diagnoses can melt away when you see a photo that melts your heart.  Use your head.  Consider your lifestyle, existing family structure, finances and insurance before making a commitment to a child with medical needs.  Make sure you understand the worst case scenario scope of the need.  Talk to medical professionals and other families with experience. 

Accept that you must accept some unknowns.  Accept the potential for the medical information in a child’s file to be wrong.  When we were getting ready to adopt the first time, a friend told me “don’t be afraid to accept a child who has a heart condition.  Sometimes when you get them home, you’ll find they are perfectly healthy”.  While there isn’t anything wrong with hoping for the best, going in assuming a medical diagnosis in a file is wrong isn’t smart.  Does this happen?  Sure, but things go the other way, too. 

“Minor need” can be a relative term.  There are some things that one person might consider minor that would be a major issue for another family.  Cleft palate is something many families consider minor because it can be surgically corrected.  However, a palate closure may involve multiple surgeries, dental work and speech therapies over several years.  What isn’t a biggie for one family might be beyond the scope of what another family can handle.  Use your head.  Apply the particulars of the need to your family. 

Have a financial plan

Be financially ready for adoption.  Know the costs of the program up front and know when you will pay for what.  Any reputable agency will give you a fee schedule up front.  If an agency gives you an ambiguous or vague answer when asked about fees – find another agency.  Most families don’t have the money to finance an adoption hanging out in their couch cushions, but it is important to have a plan for where the money will come from.  Adoptions shouldn’t be held up once in progress because the parents can’t meet the financial obligations.  Use your head.  Have a plan.   

Get smart

Learn.  Get educated.  Take your parent education seriously but don’t stop there.  Read all you can about bonding & attachment, issues facing the post institutional child, the culture of your child’s birth country, and about their particular medical needs or conditions.  Talk to your social worker.  Talk to your doctor.  Talk to other parents.  Read books, look at websites.  Be as prepared as you possibly can while understanding international adoption is something you can never be fully prepared for. 

In summary

Our family’s adoption story started with a tug on my heart when I saw another family with children adopted from China.  The visual of seeing that mother with her children had a significant emotional impact that left a lingering gut feeling that can only be described as “this is my path – I know it.” 

It is impossible to come to the decision to adopt internationally without emotions being involved.  It is impossible to get through the adoption journey without experiencing every emotion that there is on a level you probably didn’t know existed. 

So, open your ears and listen to your heart.  Don’t be afraid to trust in your gut now and then.  But allow your heart and your gut to work in tandem with your brain when making the very best decision for your family and for the child you hope to bring in to your fold.  And then hold on.  This has been the craziest, scariest, most joyful ride of my life. 

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Life With Limb Differences

When Lee and I decided to adopt back in 2011, we knew we would be saying yes to a child with "special needs", a term which I found very daunting.  When our mountain of paperwork had progressed to the stage where we were ready to start reviewing files of adoptable children, we had to fill out a form that told our agency what medical needs we'd be willing to consider. 

I had never heard of some of these conditions - Thalassemia Beta.  Ichthyosis.  I shook my head at the fact that some of these "special needs" were listed as such - port wine stains a special need?  Really? At the other end of the spectrum, there were some needs that seemed pretty involved to me, things I knew that we were not equipped (or willing) to raise our hand for. 

One of the conditions listed on this sheet was "limb differences".  Not being sure what exactly that meant, I used good old Google to look it up.  This is what I learned: 
 
The term, Limb Differences, is used in reference to the congenital (something a person is born with) absence or malformation of limbs. Some limb differences may be acquired as the result of an injury or disease that requires amputation.  The causes of congenital Limb Differences are frequently unknown.

This, I think we could handle, I thought, so I ticked the box next to "limb differences".  A few weeks later, found ourselves reviewing a file of a seventeen month old boy whose special need was listed as a "congenital hand abnormality".  It is hard to believe that was over two years ago. 

What is life with a limb difference child like?  For the most part, exactly the same as life with any child would be like.  Although Zack is essentially missing his hand (he has a small stub and four finger 'nubbins') phrases such as "get down from there" and "stop grabbing that" are part of my everyday conversations with Zack. 

Essentially one handed, Zack can climb a ladder, catch a ball, open a container of yogurt...he can certainly put the smack down on his brother and grab toys away from Kyle and dangle them just out of his reach.  I absolutely do not look at Zack as my "one handed child". I have never used the term "handicapped" to describe him. 

Life with a limb difference child is limitless. Children who are born with limb differences don't know any different - they've grown up adapting and sometimes overcoming any physical limitations that they're born with.  The biggest challenge Zack has faced so far was learning to pull up his underpants, which he's just about mastered. 

Things like buttoning and tying are going to present extra challenges. He's going to have to be pretty tenacious if he decides he wants to play certain musical instruments, although I have zero doubts that Zack is capable of whatever he chooses to do.  

The hardest thing for me as Zack's mom is observing people's reaction to the appearance of his hand and fielding ignorant questions.  The reaction of other children is all over the place.  Some children are curious.  They want to look, and they want to know what happened.  Most young children seem to be concerned that his hand is hurting.  They worriedly ask "what's the matter with his hand" but seem to take my explanation of "nothing is the matter, this is the way God made him" at face value and press on.  

Occasionally, we'll encounter someone rude or ignorant.  A little boy of about seven or eight screamed "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, did you SEE that kid's hand" at a decibel rate that could probably be heard in the next county.  An adult female on the bus who looked at Zack's hand and said quite audibly "how gross" to her husband.  The cashier at Wal-Mart who asked "oh darlin' what happened to his poor little hand" (and, although it is clearly congenital, I found it hard to get angry at her). 

As Zack's mom, it is hard to sit back, be chill and not give these people the verbal smack down.  But, I do just that.  The militant mom inside me who jumps to her child's defense each time someone says something potentially adversarial is just itching to come out.  But, harsh words for well-meaning but maybe ignorant people are not going to help my dear little boy deal with a world of people who are going to take notice in various ways that his anatomy is a little different.  He is going to have to learn his own way of handling these comments and questions, even the ugly ones.  

As much as I want life to be easy for him, as much as I want him to be "like everyone else", he stands out.  I don't think his limb difference is the first thing most people notice about him, but eventually, most people notice.  Reactions are different.  They're all over the place.  They run the gamut between no reaction at all to friendly curiosity to disgust and jeering.  Although I haven't seen anyone make fun of him yet, I'm willing to bet that most people wouldn't be willing to go there with me around...and I won't always be around to police people's comments.   

So, what is the "cure" or "fix" for limb differences?  In most cases, there isn't a fix.  It is something that just is, something you live with.  We've seen an Air Force plastic surgeon and a pediatric hand specialist here in England.  One of Zack's "nubbins" on his little hand was removed - it was a long piece of skin with no bone that wasn't functional and an accident waiting to happen. 

The hand surgeon gave us all sort of options, one being to do nothing.  One suggestion was a prosthesis that would allow Zack to "grasp" small objects, like a hook.  This would be something he'd have to wear over his shoulder and control with electrical impulses. Another option was to have a hand transplant, which would give Zack a "normal" looking and possibly functional hand.  The drawback to doing this is that we'd introduce a whole host of immunology issues to a very healthy child.  Another option was to wear a cosmetic prosthesis.  This last idea was given as an option for when Zack is older and self conscious about looking different.  These prostheses are scary real looking and feeling (we saw samples) and are semi functional.  They have bendable steel fingers that can be used to carry things. 

With the specialist's recommendation, we opted to do nothing for now, being open to the prosthesis at a later time.  We are leaving most of the decisions in Zack's court for when he's older.  He has recently started to vocalize about the fact that his hands "don't match".  We've always been very open about how his hand is different.  Special.  Just as good.  We've all watched Finding Nemo and sometimes refer to his "little hand" as his "lucky fin" (which is how I explain his limb difference to young children).  I think Nemo is more relatable that Captain Hook...just sayin'.

Here are a few pictures you should look at before you tell me that my kid is limited or think about feeling sorry for him - even just a little bit. 

Pro Ping Pong Player

MLB Player & Olympian

Girl on Reality Show (yeah...not so much)

Badass UFC Fighter

 I will leave you with this one thought - and all things considered, I am a pretty peaceful, non-physically aggressive person - if Zack were to "throat punch" anyone with his "lucky fin", I'll make an educated guess and say it would smart.  He's caught me in a few "delicate places" when we've been horsing around and it's a nasty little jab that brings tears to the eyes of a grown woman.  Keep in mind, my little treasure is only three.  So I'm just sayin'...if someone at some future point decides to poke fun at him for having a "little hand", he might decide to show you what kind of fire power a "lucky fin" packs. 

Be kind to your fellow man and appreciate diversity, people. 

I've wrestled with the fact that a birth family gave up this gem of a boy because of a little limb difference for almost three years.  I am so fortunate and so blessed to parent this little fireball who makes me laugh, shake my head, lose my temper, and turn to mush in the space of a thirty-second time span.  I truly hope his birth family has found some peace in their decision.  I will be forever grateful that they chose life for this little guy because mine is ever so much more interesting because he's in it. 

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