Adoption Disruption - Part 1 of a 3 Part Post

Social networking gives the world a front row seat to adoption stories.  Blogs and orphan advocacy websites show photos of waiting children that capture our hearts and sometimes break them.  Many of these kids have minor medical issues that put them on the “special needs list”.  Some of these needs are so minor that no one would bat an eyelash about them if they’d only been born in the United States.  But, in China, sometimes being born with a cleft lip, a club foot or even a birth mark will result in abandonment by your birth family and subsequent life in an orphanage. 

We see YouTube clips of these beautiful children being placed in the arms of their “Forever Family” on a day sometimes referred to as “Gotcha Day”.  The joy on the face of the mom as she finally holds the child that has been prayed for and anticipated for so long will bring a tear to almost anyone’s eye. 

We see photos on Facebook and Instagram with captions such as “one less” or “orphan no more”.  We watch these scared little ones bloom and flourish under the care of their families.  We watch thin limbs fill out and pale cheeks turn rosy with the good nutrition and fresh air.  “Look what love can do”, we say. 

We read blogs that tell happy adoption stories.  We see glowing posts with titles like “Six Months with Kyle” telling adoption success stories in words and pictures. We show the world what a wonderful blessing adoption is.

While I do agree that adoption is wonderful and that adding Kyle and Zack to our family are two of the best decisions my husband and I ever made, there is a less rosy side to adoption, an ugly side that we “virtually” whisper about but rarely discuss openly.  I am going there.  I am dipping my toes in. 

Disclaimer:

I know quite a lot about the China Waiting Child (Special Needs) adoption program, but that is the only adoption program I’m familiar with. All of my info/research goes in that direction.

Nothing personal.  I’m doing my best to be respectful in discussing why I think a decision I’ve never had to make is wrong.  I am not holier than thou and I am fully aware that I am being critical of shoes I’ve never had to walk in. 

So, here we go. What is an adoption disruption? 

An adoption disruption is the termination of an adoption before it is legally completed.  An example of an adoption disruption would be a family deciding on their Gotcha Day or shortly after not to continue with the adoption.  The child is returned to their orphanage and the parents return from China without a child.   

So, what is an adoption dissolution? 

An adoption dissolution is the termination of an adoption after it is legally completed.  An example of dissolution would be a family seeing the process through in China, bringing their child back to the United States (where they are automatically granted citizenship) and then deciding to sever the parental relationship.  Typically, this is done by “re-homing” the child.  Many adoption agencies facilitate “second chance” adoptions to help place children in this circumstance in to loving homes.  Illegal, underground “re-homing” has received some press recently.  See the link below.  Second chance adoptions are essentially domestic adoptions when handled according to the law of the state where the dissolution takes place.

http://www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption/#article/part1

Here are a few facts about adoption.  I lay this out to illustrate the deliberateness of the process and what the families options and commitments are along the way.  Also, I offer some unpleasant facts about kids who live in institutions for any length of time, regardless of what medical need they might have. 

FACT:  Parents get limited information on their child when making their decision to adopt them.  An adoption file contains pictures that may or may not be recent and a few pages of medical and biographical information that may or may not be accurate.  Adoption agencies can “lock” a file to allow a family a chance to review it without the worry that another family will move forward.  Yes, I know this sounds like child shopping and there is an element to this that I find unsavory, but that is the process.

FACT:  A family can have their family doctor or an international adoption doctor review the file and give input.  The international adoption doctor will usually give the “worst case scenario” based on the information presented. 

FACT:  Once the family moves forward with that child, the file isn’t viewable or listed, meaning no other families get to look at it.  The child is “off the shelf” for the rest of the process, even if that is a year or more.  And yes, I know the terms are distasteful but that is the way it is.

FACT:  A family can use a third party service to get updates on the children while they wait.  An update usually costs between $50-$100.  Most orphanages will work with the third party service; some will not.  An update usually consists of a few new pictures and up to ten questions answered.  Parents can ask specific questions about developmental milestones, likes & dislikes, and such.  Some agencies discourage families from getting these updates, others encourage.  Some agencies get the updates for the family but that is becoming less common. 

FACT:  The child being adopted may or may not know they have a family coming.  At a certain point in the waiting process, the family is allowed to send pictures and gifts.  The orphanage isn’t required to give the child the things the family sends and some don’t. Sometimes the child will be photographed with the gifts and the pictures will be sent to the parents.  Sometimes the gifts will be sent back with the kids on adoption day, obviously unused.  I felt very fortunate when I got two dog-eared and dirty photo albums on Zack and Kyle’s adoption days. 

FACT: Small children are too young to understand what “you’re getting your own mommy and daddy” means.  They might be told the words but when you’re a three year old who has lived in a room full of cribs your entire life that might not mean very much to you.  Some of the older children (in China kids can be adopted up until they are 14) don’t want to be adopted and some aren’t told about what is happening until shortly before they meet their new parents.  This varies from orphanage to orphanage. 

FACT:  There are two times in the process when parents are required to sign paperwork saying they will never abuse or abandon that child.  The first time is upon submission of intent to adopt that particular child, at the beginning of the process.  The second time is during the official portion of the adoption in China, the day after you meet the child for the first time.  Both of these pieces of paperwork are submitted to the Chinese government.  The second has about ten trillion signatures and red ink fingerprint stamps all over it.  It makes you get that they mean business.  Never abandon. 

FACT:  Despite the fact that many Chinese children are abandoned by their birth families, China views foreign adoption as a privilege, not a right.  They are in no way required to allow us to adopt these kids and we’re not entitled to do it.  China does not seek us out to adopt their children.  It is entirely the other way around. 

FACT:  Children who are raised in orphanages are probably going to have delays in addition to whatever medical condition/special need they are labeled with.  As babies, they might be bundled in six layers of clothing and confined to a crib most of the day.  Motor development and muscle tone might not be on target.  They might not walk, talk and eat the same as other kids their age.  Some Chinese babies are bottle fed for much longer than what we would believe to be normal.  Imagine a three year old that has to be taught to chew.  These kids might not have good eye contact because their socialization has been limited.  They might self-soothe because there hasn’t been anyone there to comfort them.  They might have lice, scabies or sores on their bottom from unclean conditions or sitting in the same diaper for hours.  Some orphanages are great.  Some kids are lucky enough to live in foster homes or group homes.  Some orphanages have volunteers (usually Westerners) that come in to hold and play with the babies.  Some orphanages are not so great and there are hundreds and hundreds of orphanages in China.  China is a big, big place, people. 

FACT: PAPs (pre-adoptive parents) are required to go through parent education that is monitored by a social worker.  This varies from agency to agency and state to state.  This training is supposed to prepare PAPs to accept and parent the post institutional child.  But does it?

  
So there you go. Despite a pretty rigorous, well-defined adoption process, this doesn’t work out for all families. There are some families that don’t have the “happy ending” adoption stories and for some families, love is not enough.  There are families that get approved to adopt that probably shouldn’t and there are families who don’t get the level of parent education that they probably need.  There are families who get on the plane to China with unrealistic expectations of what is about to happen.

Part two of this post will focus on reasons for disruption and post-adoption dissolution.  Stay tuned, people. 

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