Adoption Disruption - Part 2 of a 3 Part Series

Part I of this post laid out some definitions surrounding adoption termination and gave an overview of the China Waiting Child process:
http://jillr-addingbranchestoourfamilytree.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/adoption-disruption-part-1-of-3-part.html
I wanted readers to have a clear picture that choosing a waiting child through this adoption program is a deliberate process with many levels of commitment.  If anyone thought this process involved any sort of “Hmm…we’ll take that one…wait, no, this isn’t right.  We’d like a do-over”, then hopefully my roadmap in the previous post got rid of those notions. 

Why does disruption happen?  Is it happening more frequently?  That is a hard question to answer, since accurate stats aren’t kept on this.  What makes a family that has waited for a child, “fallen in love” with a picture, spent tens of thousands of dollars and endured a mountain of paperwork say “no” and hand a child back on or after Gotcha Day?  Are they bad people?  I doubt this very much.  People might get on the plane to China with unrealistic expectations but I would sincerely hope that no one gets on the plane with the expectation they won’t come home with their child. 

“China Lied”

Some people blame inaccurate information in the child’s file for disruption.  If I’ve heard “China lied” once, I have heard that a hundred times over.  Files contain inaccuracies.  Sometimes they are downright misleading. PAPs (that is pre adoptive parents) need to be prepared for inaccuracy, inconsistency and straight up w-r-o-n-g info in a child’s file.   This is a fact and if agencies and social workers aren’t preparing us better for this possibility, then they are doing the families and the children a disservice.  They need to do better. 

I have firsthand experience with this. While Zack’s file was spot on and the child we were handed on Gotcha Day was 100 percent what we were expecting, we had an entirely different experience with Kyle.  While I think that “China left some stuff out” I wouldn’t go so far as to say “China lied”.  Maybe stuff was lost in translation.  Maybe the doctor was in a hurry that day. Maybe someone cut and pasted.  At any rate, the condition of the child we were handed was not what we expected.

I don’t, in most cases, agree with in-China disruptions, but boy do I understand the “oh crap, what have we gotten in to” factor that happens when you are tired, emotional, jet-lagged, stressed out, scared and far from home and what is familiar.  I truly sympathize with families who are handed children with needs they are not expecting.  If you believe you are adopting a child with a club foot, you shouldn’t expect to be given a child with club foot and cerebral palsy. Aside from this, families need to expect worst case scenario for the medical need they were aware of when submitting intent to adopt that child.  Worst case scenario, and if someone doesn’t hand that information to you on a platter, find it.  Do your homework.  Don’t stick your head in the sand and tell yourself “love conquers all”.  It doesn’t always. 

I took the info in Kyle’s file at face value.  If I’d have been prepared for worst possible scenario with his particular medical issue, I’d have been in better shape that first month.  I’d also have known his “surprise” was something that went hand-in-hand with “the known” and would have probably looked for it.  I would have saved myself some stress, guilt and grief and more importantly, I’d have been more prepared to parent him in those early days.  We got by and we’re doing great now, but those first days were rougher than they should have been. In the great big picture, things with both our adoptions went pretty well.  Yes, there were bumpy spots but from the “other side” view, we are very, very lucky.  

The first time I heard about disruption was when a parent in one of my social networking groups reported having to make the hard decision to leave their child in China and come back without to the United States without her.  I don’t know the scope of this child’s anticipated medical issues, but the parents were painted a picture of a child who was cognitively on track.  She attended school and was reportedly doing well.  They were handed a six year old that was developmentally about eighteen months old.  They were able to obtain some additional medical evaluation in China and were told “this is as good as it gets”.  The parents chose not to adopt her and came back.  They later returned to China and adopted another child.     

I was shocked to learn stuff like that had happened. Nothing in my parent education had prepared me for a situation like that.  I tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered what kind of decision I’d make in their place.  I couldn’t come up with an answer.  Some say there are no guarantees in parenting.  Some say special needs adoption is different and that a family does and should get a say-so in what type of medical needs they are equipped to parent.  And honestly…I straddle the fence on that one.  We don’t get that choice with our “homegrown” kids.  Parenting any way you go about it is chock full of unknowns.  What is the right answer?  Is there one?

Over the past three years, I’ve heard virtual whispers about disruptions and dissolutions. It happens. We all know it, but it’s something we don’t talk about openly. Daring to talk about disruption is viewed as being “mean” and “unsupportive” to a fellow PAP (remember, that's pre-adoptive parent, people).  Talking about the ugly side of adoption potentially scares PAPs off.  Scaring PAPs off might result in a decrease in adoptions.  Whether you want to look at that as less revenue for agencies or more children spending their lives without families, I don’t think the fear of “scaring someone off” should deter us from telling the truth, even when the truth is ugly.  Especially when it is ugly.  Maybe some PAPs need to be a little bit scared. 

I have compassion for any family in a situation where they feel they have to consider disruption.  Disruption is shrouded in silence for a reason...come on...putting myself in the position of a parent who has made those decisions, heck no, I wouldn’t want to talk about it, either.  Regardless of the circumstances that has got to be an agonizingly painful decision to make. But, on the other side of the coin, we have the children.  Children in situations like these:

Family decided their newly adopted ten year-old daughter “wasn’t a good fit” based on her behavior in China.  They brought her to the United Sates so that she wouldn’t have to go back to the orphanage and “re-homed” her within days of coming home.  I am not sure if the child was permanently adopted by the other family or if the family who brought her home eventually took her back, but I do know that the family was at one point pursuing another “older child” adoption from China.   

Family decided that they “just didn’t feel bonded” to their toddler after eight months and gave her up.  It just wasn’t “working out”.  How much professional intervention and counseling that occurred is unclear. The child was adopted by another family through a "second chance" adoption. 

Family was upset that a two year old whose listed special need was “developmental delay” wasn’t walking steadily upon first meeting and said “no” almost instantly.  (If a file says “developmental delay”, prepare for that.  If a file doesn't say developmental delay, prepare for that anyway).

Family decided that the child who wouldn’t make eye contact or interact with them during the first twenty-four hours was autistic and handed her back the day after they met her. 

Family upon meeting their child with a cleft palate, made the snap diagnosis (parents weren’t medical professionals) that the child “must have” cerebral palsy because she was wobbly and had poor muscle tone.

After endless paperwork, scrutiny, waiting and expense, these families did a 180 in a very short span of time with limited information and little to no professional intervention.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around it all and yes...it is hard not to judge and finger point.  But blame laying and judgment aside, who suffers? The kids do.   

I can look at my limited and possibly incomplete info on all of these situations that I gained first and second hand and tell you what I think I’d do…but who really knows what they’d do in someone else’s shoes until they walked in them.

So back to the question, why does this happen?  I have a couple of theories.  One is that parents are trying to make the Waiting Child program, which is a special needs program fit in to the mold and take the place of the traditional non-special needs adoption program.  Yes, I mean the program where you wait seven plus years for a healthy, very young baby girl.  Many parents who were in the non-special needs line are flocking now to Waiting Child.  Because let’s face it – most families pursuing adoption are going to be turned off by a seven year wait.  That is a fact. 

I think there are a lot of us out there that are trying to adopt non-special needs kids through the special needs program.  Come on…cleft lip?  Port wine stains?  Eczema? Older child adoption?  These are the kinds of things that will land a child on the special needs list in China.  We tell ourselves these things are “no big deal”.  If I had a nickel for every family out there who has said “how hard could it be” I’d be a wealthy chick. 

There are more serious conditions such as congenital heart and pulmonary diseases, thalassemia, mild cerebral palsy, anal atresia, and hydrocephalus. If you don't know what they are Google them some time.  Parents read about kids with these types of needs and convince themselves that these needs are “practically nothing, a non-issue”.  I’ve been one of those parents. 

Minor is in the eye of the beholder. I think there are plenty of parents saying yes to kids with complex conditions without fully understanding what that condition entails.  Without fully understanding the worst case scenario or possible collateral, long-term effects of these conditions, we let a heart-wrenching picture of an adorable face and sad eyes make the decision. Educating ourselves about what this special need, this medical condition really entails?  Worst case?  Pshaw, who needs that?  Love conquers all.  Yes, that was sarcasm…but I think that is where some of our problem lies. 

Don’t get me wrong – I think there are plenty of families who tackle international adoption with their eyes wide open and armed with information, even experience.  But I also know there are plenty of families who follow their heart and take an uneducated leap of faith.  And I think some of these families are in a prime position for adoption failure. 

Medical worst-case scenarios, difficulty in bonding and attaching and adoption termination are not openly discussed amongst PAPs on social networking sites.  We have built “safe haven” communities restricted to post adoptive parents where we can say things that won’t scare off the PAPs.  We get our virtual hands smacked if we dare to bring up disruption and dissolution – the dreaded “D words” in a public forum.  As an adoption community, we take great steps to maintain a strict code of collective silence about the ugly side of adoption.  To this I say:  PAPs, you need to be afraid.  You need a good dose of reality.  Hope for the best but know what worst looks like. 

When we were just starting out and before we looked at Zack’s file, I was advised by more than one person to adopt a “heart baby” from a Province X because “those heart babies always turn out to be completely healthy with no heart issues.  You’ll get them home and there will be nothing wrong with them.”  Although a lot of families consider mild heart issues a minor need, this is one thing that scares the heck out of me and it wasn’t on our list of conditions we raised our hand for.  To deliberately pursue adopting a child whose medical issues were out of the scope what we felt we could manage based on rumors and maybes sounded like a bunch of hooey to me.  But there are probably people out there that swallowed this.  Maybe sometimes the outcome is okay.  Maybe it isn’t. 

Even in the best of circumstances where the child’s medical condition matches the file, you can still see developmental delays, orphanage behavior, malnutrition and parasites.  Bonding (in either direction) may be instant or may be a struggle.  A parent may feel that “something is wrong” because they don’t feel love for the child right off the bat, or even during the first few months.  You might not even like the child.  They might be scared and acting out.  They might be testing you.  They might be limp, lethargic and shut down, causing a scared parent’s imagination to jump to severe delays, cerebral palsy, or brain damage.  And by the way, Dr. Google and “Web MD” are going to validate what you think you’re looking for and probably aren’t going to provide good direction when you’re doing a stressed out internet search at two in the morning in China because you’re having second thoughts about the kid you were just handed. 

Two weeks in China doesn’t give you a good and accurate look in to what the child is really like…barring truly exception circumstances, give your child a chance.  Take him or her home and allow them to blossom and recover from the extreme shock and trauma that their adoption day might be to them.  Talk to your adoption agency and your social worker.  Let them talk you through what your options are.  The choice to disrupt in China is to make a forever decision for your family and that child who has waited for you in a very short span of time under stressful circumstances. 

One of the reasons that we chose China is because we found it “logistically desirable”.  One trip.  Two weeks or less.  Get kid, in and out. Is this the best way for us?  For the children?  It’s certainly the least time-consuming most cost effective way.  I am not suggesting that that I have the answers to how to overhaul the adoption system, but it makes my blood pressure rise when I hear about a disruption or dissolution about every other week.  This should be a rare occurrence not an unfortunate, accepted side effect of international adoption.

There are limited stats on adoption disruptions.  No one likes to talk about it.  If agencies see it as a failure, imagine how the parents concerned see it?  I find it very hard to empathize with this situation and I am certain my bias is present in my writing.  That aside, this is most certainly an emotionally traumatizing, heart breaking experience that is riddled with guilt. 

If there is a lack of education and awareness on one end, there is probably a lack of compassion and care for the family on the other end that makes most – not all but most – unwilling to come forward with their “why story”. 

Part III of this post focuses on the aftermath of disruption, healing for the family involved, and the way forward.  Is this going to be something we continue to whisper about?  Are we going to continue to have the “this will never happen to my family” mindset or can we make this better? 

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