Adoption Disruption - Part 3 of a 3 Part Series

If you would like to read Part I and Part II of this post, click the link below (scroll to the bottom to read Part 1; Part II is on top): 


 http://jillr-addingbranchestoourfamilytree.blogspot.co.uk/


I am not a "look at me" kind of blogger, but I will tell you that my two posts on adoption disruption are my most read, least shared and least commented on posts - ever - and I have been blogging for three years.  

What does that mean?  I have had more "hits" on these two posts than anything I've ever written.  I have made less effort to share these posts with others than I have made with other things I have written. I find this interesting. 

Disclaimer:  I am a Christian. I don't subscribe to the evangelical Christian "call to adopt" and I don't think that James 1:27 literally translates in to "go adopt kids."  My husband and I adopted our children because we wanted to be parents.  I don't believe that God called me/pushed me/spoke to me in a dream or daydream and "told me" to adopt. 

That said, I think I'd have lost my mind if I didn't have faith in God during our two adoptions.  My perception is that our adoptions were "my" idea and that God got me through the process.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.   

So.  What happens to the children involved in in-country disruption?  

If the parents chose not to go forward with the adoption, the child goes back to the life they had before their orphanage worker put them on a bus to go and meet their new family, for better or for worse. These kids don’t automatically get considered by another family.  It is at the orphanage’s discretion that they become available for adoption again.  Not all orphans in China are “paper ready” to be adopted.  The orphanage may view having one of their children rejected as thing to be ashamed of and not allow that child’s file to go “back in to circulation”. 

You can read a “disruption success story” below, but the reality is, not all kids are this lucky.  Seriously people...take the time to click on the link below.  I know it is blog within a blog within a blog...I promise you...worth reading.  Bottom line, unless a child is advocated for by someone who understands the disruption took place then they quietly slip in under the radar. Always.  For keeps. 

http://www.psalms82three.blogspot.com/2014/01/called-to-action.html

What happens to the families? In the case of a disruption, the family who disrupted in China may be able to adopt again, at the discretion of the agency. They will return to the USA without a child, should they choose to disrupt, and they will be subject to additional expense and scrutiny if they chose to try to adopt from China again. The agency can weigh in on whether the parent’s decision to disrupt in country was valid and the decision ultimately belongs to the Chinese government on whether to approve this family to adopt another child. 

Under no circumstances will a family be given another child in China, should the child they were matched with and traveled to adopt not meet their expectations.  This isn't shopping. 

In a nutshell, the parent may be given a shot at adopting a child better suited to them while the child may have no shot at ever getting adopted again. No one ever said life was fair.

In the case of a post adoption dissolution the family’s chances of adopting from China again are not as good, although I’ve heard rumors that it can happen.  Re-homing a child equates to legally sanctioned abandonment, which violates the adoption agreement the parents signed in China.  Never abandon.

The stats on this kind of thing are limited.  Roughly, about 10-14 percent of adoptions fail.  Special needs and older child adoptions are more likely to fail.  These stats don’t factor in disruptions of international adoptions while in the country of origin.  These numbers are only known to the agencies concerned and to the Chinese government and no one reports or cross talks about this. 

I wish I had the answers.  I wish I had the solutions.  I know that it takes more than love and good intentions to parent the internationally adopted child.  It takes strength, grit and resiliency.  A strong shot of faith and prayer doesn’t hurt, either. 

Parting Shots

Parting Shot #1 - Let your head lead your heart.  If your heart must lead, let your head have a say-so.

Pictures like this are powerful:

 

Several people I talked to when preparing this post mentioned the Christian perspective on being a contributor to unrealistic expectations in adoption.  The link below explains one perspective. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/22/opinion/sunday/the-evangelical-orphan-boom.html?pagewanted=all&_r=2

While I do not agree that the Christian perspective on adoption is to blame for adoptions that go south, I do think there are probably some agencies and churches out there that are using “Orphan Sunday” as a marketing vehicle to encourage Christians to adopt in the spirit of James 1:27…

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:  to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world”...

As I've said before, I am a Christian.  I believe the Bible is the Word of God.  I don't believe James 1:27 is a command to the Christian community at large to adopt, without enough discernment on whether the target audience are suitable adoptive parents.  There is a vast difference in “looking after” orphans and adopting them in to your family forever.  FOREVER. The Bible says a lot about adoption and orphan care (well, the Bible says a lot about a lot of things, doesn’t it?) but adoption is only one way to live the spirit of James 1:27. 

So, when I say let your head lead your heart, I mean give full consideration to the enormous commitment you will make when you sign on to adopt a child with special needs from a difficult background.  Love is not enough.  Faith might not be enough.  Common sense, resources and resilience have to be paddling the boat, too.  If you church is feeding you the line that every Christian makes an ideal adoptive parent and that all Christians should answer the call to adopt…well, I disagree on that one. 

Parting Shot #2 - There are no guarantees in parenting. Kids are not commodities and they don’t come with warranties, instruction manuals, exchange policies or money back guarantees (although wouldn’t that manual be nice). When you make the decision to take the “I will parent” plunge, you make the decision to accept some unknowns.

Parting Shot #3 - Read the fine print.  Never abandon is not a suggestion.  When you sign an official document that tells a foreign government that you are going to commit to making a home for one of their children, don’t go in to it with an “I have an out” mindset.  Refer to Parting Shot #2.

Parting Shot #4 - If you know a family who is making or has made the decision to terminate their adoption, show them love and compassion.  If they haven’t finalized their decision, encourage them to seek the help of a counselor, clergy or adoption professional – or all of those.  If they have finalized their decision, hope that they find a way to have peace with their decision and support them in whatever way you can.  You don’t have to agree with their decision, but shunning them isn’t the right thing, either.  You are not going to know what it is like to feel their pain.

We all have someone in our lives who we like or love whose lifestyle choices we don't agree with.  This is that, people.   

I hope I’ve shed some light on a touchy topic.  Perhaps I’ve opened a Pandora’s box.  Perhaps I’ve pointed fingers.  If I’ve made a taboo topic a little less taboo, I think I’ve done a good thing.   

Remember...the last thing that flew out of Pandora's Box was hope...

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