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“Follow your heart”.
“Go with your gut”.
In the three years I’ve been connected to the international
adoption community, I have heard both these phrases more times than I can
count. Becoming a parent through
adoption requires listening to your emotions and your intuition, but the single
most important piece of advice I can give anyone considering international
adoption is this:
“Use your
head”.
My husband and I have two sons adopted from China. One of the most common questions we are asked
about our adoptions is “why China?” My
interest in the China Waiting Child program began with a tug on my heartstrings
but our family’s decision to move forward was more logic driven.
Why not an
American child?
We ruled out domestic infant adoption because at forty-four and
forty-seven, respectively, we thought our ages might be seen as a detractor by
a birth mother. We also felt time was
not on our side and didn’t want to wait months or even years for a birth mother
to choose us. We knew a birth mother
could back out during any part of the process, forcing us back to square
one. If we were starting the process in
our early thirties versus our late forties, we might have looked at this
differently.
Most domestic infant adoptions nowadays are open or semi open
which did not appeal to us. While
knowledge of the child’s health history would have been a plus, the birth family’s
presence in our lives was not something we were comfortable with. Adoption from foster care was not an option
for us because we lived outside the United States at the time we started our
adoption journey. So, international adoption
it was.
So, why
China versus Ethiopia, Bulgaria, Uganda, Haiti (and everything else out there)
We considered several international programs before deciding on
China. China was the first program that
grabbed my heart and the one I kept going back to, but it ended up being the
best fit for our family. What we
liked: the stability and structure of
the program, the projected length of time for a referral (relatively quick),
the cost (predictable, no hidden fees) and the amount of time spent in the birth
country (one trip of a finite length) were all things we took in to
consideration.
The children available for adoption were “true orphans”. Adoptions in China are regulated by the
strict rules of the Hague Treaty. China
has no significant problems with child trafficking and “long lost” relatives
showing up at the eleventh hour and wanting payment to disappear is almost
unheard of.
Having a
plan versus "accidental adoption"
We decided to adopt because we wanted to parent children
together. People adopt for different
reasons – this was ours. We made the
decision to adopt, selected our program, our agency, and our children, in that
order. Some families see a child’s file
on a photo listing, fall in love and then make the decision to start the adoption
process. I definitely felt a pull in my
heart the first time I saw the picture of each of the two little boys that
would eventually become my sons, but I allowed myself these feelings with the
knowledge that adoption was a given and that we’d already established a
relationship with an agency who would facilitate the adoption.
Understanding
“special needs” and what that means to YOU
Most children in the China Waiting Child program have medical
needs. Most children available for
international adoption nowadays either have a medical need or are older
children. Medical/special needs range
from extremely minor (birthmarks, missing finger) to fairly severe (complex
heart disease/pulmonary conditions). Some
medical needs/conditions can be managed easily or corrected altogether once in
the United States.
Do your homework. Know
going in what needs your family can handle.
Some find it very easy to fall in love with a child’s file – a few
pictures and a few pages of data describing the child’s health and social
history. Assessing whether or not the
family is capable of (or willing to become capable) of handling a need may be
eclipsed by emotion.
A complex need can seem like not such a big deal when accompanied
by an image of a precious face. Scary
sounding diagnoses can melt away when you see a photo that melts your
heart. Use your head. Consider your lifestyle, existing family
structure, finances and insurance before making a commitment to a child with
medical needs. Make sure you understand
the worst case scenario scope of the need.
Talk to medical professionals and other families with experience.
Accept that you must accept some unknowns. Accept the potential for the medical
information in a child’s file to be wrong.
When we were getting ready to adopt the first time, a friend told me
“don’t be afraid to accept a child who has a heart condition. Sometimes when you get them home, you’ll find
they are perfectly healthy”. While there
isn’t anything wrong with hoping for the best, going in assuming a medical
diagnosis in a file is wrong isn’t smart.
Does this happen? Sure, but
things go the other way, too.
“Minor need” can be a relative term. There are some things that one person might
consider minor that would be a major issue for another family. Cleft palate is something many families consider
minor because it can be surgically corrected.
However, a palate closure may involve multiple surgeries, dental work
and speech therapies over several years.
What isn’t a biggie for one family might be beyond the scope of what
another family can handle. Use your
head. Apply the particulars of the need
to your family.
Have a
financial plan
Be financially ready for adoption. Know the costs of the program up front and
know when you will pay for what. Any
reputable agency will give you a fee schedule up front. If an agency gives you an ambiguous or vague
answer when asked about fees – find another agency. Most families don’t have the money to finance
an adoption hanging out in their couch cushions, but it is important to have a
plan for where the money will come from.
Adoptions shouldn’t be held up once in progress because the parents
can’t meet the financial obligations.
Use your head. Have a plan.
Get smart
Learn. Get educated. Take your parent education seriously but
don’t stop there. Read all you can about
bonding & attachment, issues facing the post institutional child, the
culture of your child’s birth country, and about their particular medical needs
or conditions. Talk to your social
worker. Talk to your doctor. Talk to other parents. Read books, look at websites. Be as prepared as you possibly can while understanding
international adoption is something you can never be fully prepared for.
In summary
Our family’s adoption story started with a tug on my heart when
I saw another family with children adopted from China. The visual of seeing that mother with her
children had a significant emotional impact that left a lingering gut feeling
that can only be described as “this is my path – I know it.”
It is impossible to come to the decision to adopt
internationally without emotions being involved. It is impossible to get through the adoption
journey without experiencing every emotion that there is on a level you
probably didn’t know existed.
So, open your ears and listen to your heart. Don’t be afraid to trust in your gut now and
then. But allow your heart and your gut
to work in tandem with your brain when making the very best decision for your
family and for the child you hope to bring in to your fold. And then hold on. This has been the craziest, scariest, most
joyful ride of my life.
If you've enjoyed reading my blog, you can also follow on Facebook:
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If you've enjoyed reading my blog, you can also follow on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/welcometojillvillepeople
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