A thankful heart and a story about a starfish

November is a month where we set aside time to give thanks and to celebrate adoption.  I think it is fitting that National Adoption month is celebrated around the same time as Thanksgiving.  I thought I would end the month by sharing this little story.  No, I am not quite on the “save a child” or “rescue an orphan” bandwagon.  But, there are those who are and I’ve become a whole lot more accepting of that mindset as a motivation to adopt than I used to be.  I understand it a little bit better after two trips to China.  In reality, there is some element of rescue and I don’t say that in a “pat myself on the back” kind of way.  Fact is, these lovely children adopted from China (and I speak collectively, not just of my two) know a vastly different life because someone from the other side of the world said “I can”.   

These words aren’t mine – the original story was written by Loren Eisley.  Enjoy.   

The Starfish Story –

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, "What are you doing?" The youth replied, "Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them back, they'll die."

"Son," the man said, "don't you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can't make a difference!"

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…"I made a difference for that one."

And, with a thankful heart, I tell you that my two boys have made a difference to me.  The words of a man I met in China “you have changed their destiny”, spoken to me in a tone of deep respect, are something I pause to reflect on every single day.   Not one day goes by that I don't think about that statement.  I am certain that adoption has changed destiny for my boys but my own has been changed much more profoundly.  Thanksgiving is no longer a day where I simply enjoy turkey and pie and think about the good things that have happened over the past year.  Don’t misunderstand – I totally do all of that – but I have gone very “back to basics” on what I am most thankful for.  I am thankful that I am loved and have people to love. I am all the more thankful for that since I’ve had such a front row view to those who miss out.    

As we begin December,  I wish all of you a magical and blessed Christmas season. 

A November Weekend - Quotes from Mary Poppins and Barney Stinson

We over-schedule.  We are on the go Monday through Friday and lately, it has seemed like weekends are non-stop.  Every time Sunday night rolls around again, Hubs looks at me and says “Really?  Already?” He might use a more swear words but you get the idea. 

We scheduled light this weekend.   As Mary Poppins would say our Friday through Sunday was “practically perfect in every way.”  Although I envisioned (still wish for) a pajama weekend with no leaving the house, we did end up doing a couple of things.  Our pace was more relaxed and less frenzied and as a result, I begin the new week feeling rested. 

Saturday morning, we did a Turkey Trot 5K.  Sissy  and I planned on this as a mother/daughter event, but at the last minute, we decided to break in the double-wide and take the whole gang.   

 

 

The boys loved the experience and Hubs did a great job pushing them (that thing is no joke).  They don’t look so thrilled in the pictures but there were a lot of dogs about and Peanut is still pretty leery of 4-legged beasties.  We all finished in about thirty-two minutes…Hubs and the boys just slightly behind Sissy and I.  This was her first time running the entire distance without walk breaks so we kept it pretty slow and steady, but we all had a great time.  We didn’t win a turkey but we did won pie.  Who doesn’t like pie? 

On Sunday, we went to a party put on by CACH (Children Adopted from China).  It is a British organization that is broken up in to local chapters and I just learned of its existence recently.  There is an organization like this in the US called Families with Children from China (FCC) that I’ve heard my other adoption friends in talk about.   

The party was lovely and the experience was something I didn’t know I needed until I experienced it.  There were about 15 other families gathered. All of these families looked like mine (“older” parents with Asian kids).  There was the initial awkwardness of “gee, I don’t know anyone” but that was quickly remedied.  I’m not exactly a “work the room” social butterfly kind of girl, and frankly, that’s impossible while chasing two three year olds who are hyped up on candy, but I did leave with two new friends and some play dates in our future. 

The boys LOVED this nice lady who organized the "pass the parcel" game.  I later learned she had a huge bag of candy.  

The little storybook and jar of play dough brought pure joy to a certain boy.

 

Instead of the “why China” and the “what happened to their real parents” questions I would have gotten at any other children’s party there was “what province are they from” and “how long have your boys been home”.  It had a totally different flavor, and despite the fact that we were in a room full of Brits we’d never met before, I felt we belonged. 

We’ve been knee deep in adoption stuff for almost three years.  Since May of 2011, we have either been pursuing an adoption or muddling through post adoption paperwork (or both).  Now most of Kyle’s post adoption processing is behind us.  Through this process, the only connections we’ve had to families that are made up like ours is through online forums or while in China on our actual adoption travels.  Our “online adoption friends” have been and continue to be an awesome source of information and support.  Our friends we traveled with in China (both trips) are wonderful people and I’m happy that those connections endure.  There is nothing like real life, real time connection with other “China families”. 

We gravitate toward people who we have stuff in common with.  While I have other interests outside adoption, adoption has been my focus for a long time.  I didn’t know I needed to be in a room with other families that were “like mine” until I was in that room.  It was a fun party.  There were crafts, snacks, entertainment, and chit chat. But as I looked around and saw all of these beautiful children dressed in their party clothes, happily doing the stuff kids do at parties, I got a little emotional.  These kids were all meticulously clean (except mine who had cake in their hair), pink-cheeked and well fed.  They were all loved and wanted.  I didn’t go too far in to my thoughts to ponder the beginnings of these children, but where they sat this past Sunday is a far cry from where they started in life. 

I was not the only parent in that room that had those thoughts.  I am certain of it.  This wasn’t something that was acknowledged or discussed.  Some things we just know.  

The pictures don’t capture the look on Peanut’s face when he saw Santa for the first time.  I wish I could have caught his expression when he made the connection between Santa and presents.  I wish I could have captured the “aha” moment when he realized that all of the children were getting a little present and the little light bulb that turned on when he knew he was included.  In the words of Barney Stinson, Christmas this year is going to be LEGENDARY. 

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Three Months With Peanut

Today is a day where we pause to honor and remember our military veterans.  Being a veteran, the day holds great meaning for me.  But on this Veteran’s Day, my thoughts are more focused on remembering a day exactly three months ago.  A day in a hotel room in a city called Jinan.  August 11^th 2013 was a day where his life and my life ceased being the same as we’d known it to be.  Forever. 

August 11th, 2013

Looking back, I can honestly say these were some of the hardest and most joyful moments of my life.  I have experienced overwhelming love and joy but also of stress, anger and frustration.  And everything in between. 

At three months home, Peanut is fairly well settled in.  Some days are a piece of cake.  Some days are really hard.  Life moves on and Peanut thrives.   

Nov 11th, 2013

Growth & Development

Peanut has gained seven pounds and grown a little over an inch.  He's filled out, has good color and lost that hollow look.  His appetite astounds me.  Even though he’s making good progress, he’s still really tiny.  I can’t believe the amount of food he can put away.    

As far as cognitive and motor development go, Peanut seems on track for his age.  Any delays  are due to living in an institutional environment and he’s catching up quick.  He did not show familiarity with puzzles or shape sorting toys.  It was evident he hadn’t had a lot of exposure to toys.  We saw many pictures of his orphanage.  It was very clean and there were a lot of jungle gym play equipment but no toys.  Kids in orphanages often aren’t allowed toys because divvying them out and refereeing squabbles over whose turn it is isn’t something the orphanage nannies have time for. 

School

Peanut attends nursery 3 days a week. He is in the toddler room where Doodlebug was last year.  Because of limited English, small size and lack of potty training, we made the decision to start him off with the younger kids.  We’ll relook at moving him up soon since he is doing so well, but it is nice for him and Doodlebug to have time apart.  

 

It was not instant love between Peanut and school.  The slightly institutional atmosphere and uniformed female caregivers probably reminded him of his orphanage in China.  We spent time visiting school before he started attending.  He was all about going to the outdoor playground but the classroom invoked tears and panic.  Of all of my kids, he has been the only one to show distress when I dropped him off at childcare…he is also unquestionably the most outwardly excited to see me at the end of the day.  He seems to now be secure in the knowledge that I come back at the end of the day, so he is happy to go to school. 

Sibling Rivalry

Peanut and Doodlebug get along pretty well together – except when they don't.  They play well together about seventy-five percent of the time.  Doodlebug had to suck up being dethroned.  Peanut  seems to realize he’s a here to stay that it is okay to assert himself.  I hear little voices saying “mine” a bazillion times a day.  They shove each other, take each other’s toys, and scramble to see who can get to my lap first.  The are both eager to be first unless I’m doling out something they aren’t interested in, like shampoos.  Then they are both insistent it is someone else’s turn. 

For the most part, Doodlebug and Peanut play well and cause trouble together.  They share a room and most of their toys, and like all little kids, the most attractive plaything is what someone else is playing with. Peanut really isn't a TV watcher, with the exception of Barney (yes, the purple dinosaur resurrected from the nineties).  He won't watch anything else and shows particular dislike for Mickey Mouse in it.  Hubs told him “everyone likes Mickey.”  No…not this guy. Since Peanut has blacklisted Mickey, that is all Doodlebug  wants to watch. 

Language

Peanut’s language development is amazing.  He has a few “hold out” Chinese words but he speaks full English.  He speaks in short sentences and is a little hard to understand if you don't know him.  He has taken to using words very well and there is not a whole lot of point and grunt going on.  

Some Snippets:

“No mommy best friend.  Daddy best friend.”

“I Peanut.  Doodles that way”. (points to his brother after I called him the wrong name”.

“No bath, no night-night”.

“Hi mommy!”

“Mommy, I kitty.  Meow meow meow!” 

“I help. I blow.  I do it.” (wanted to blow out the match I’d used to light a candle)

“Mommy, what you doing?”

“I go potty, too”.

“I go bye-bye school.  Eat!”
“Sissy bye-bye, Sissy school.” 

He says more stuff each day. He’s very good with pleases and thank you’s.  He has the words to Old McDonald, Twinkle Little Star, and the Itsy Bitsy Spider most of the way down.  His language skills are great.  He probably qualifies for developmental programs but we are still working through a lot of paperwork with his medical care and entitlements.   

Social & Bonding

Peanut is an outgoing child.  Three years in an orphanage have had some impact on his behavior.  Even though he and his nanny appeared to be best buds, he still had to compete for attention.  We’ve seen some “look at me” negative behaviors because we all know that bad behavior gets attention and negative attention is better than being ignored.   

Getting ready to pout.  All indications were that he was going to throw himself on the floor....then..... 

CHEESE!  

Another reaction to correction is to smack his head with his hand.  That drives me nuts.  When I see it, I hold his hands and tell him I do not like that.  I then demonstrate “nice” and “gentle touches”.  He is starting to catch on.  Children are not meant to be raised in institutions.  They are meant to be in families where they can be loved on and trained up to accept their parent’s rules and values.  There is a reason we hold and cuddle our new babies…so that they will feel safe and secure in the knowledge that their parents are there and will take care of them. 

Peanut doesn’t have this.  Although he is starting to show signs of feeling safe and secure, he might have worries that we are temporary. He calls us mommy and daddy but for all he knows, we're just the latest babysitters.  Three months isn’t a lot of time compared to the three years he lived in an orphanage.  While Peanut has always been willing to give me kisses, holds my hand when he is told he has to and voluntarily sits in my lap, I would not say we’re fully bonded. Sometimes it feels like just going through the motions but we are getting there. Every member of our family has had to make adjustments, but none more so than Peanut. 

The good outweighs the bad, by far.  Peanut is a sunny and cheerful child about ninety percent of the time.  I try to consider what the world looks like from his perspective and I have trouble wrapping my head around it.  I am amazed with his progress and all things considered, he is doing beautifully.  Like Doodlebug, he does seem to have a preference for Hubs, no matter what I do.  Sigh. 

Medical

All things considered, Peanut is a pretty healthy little guy.  One of our doctors described him as “medically complex”.  We're keeping the specifics private but there are some congenital issues that were not addressed properly when he was a baby.  If his birth family would have had the resources to take care of his medical needs when he was born, Peanut wouldn’t be sleeping in the room upstairs from where I sit now.  It’s a hodgepodge of fairly minor stuff, but stuff that nonetheless involves multiple visits to specialists. 

Peanut is terrified of any medical professional. We carry him in to an exam room and he loses it.  Me and hubs are trying to wade through all of the medical stuff and info being thrown at us.  We are doing okay.  It is a hard thing to hold your child who doesn’t completely trust you and tell him that nothing will hurt him as you hand him over to someone who might do something to cause him pain.  He is so tiny and fragile.  At at the same time, he is so tough and resilient.    

And there you have it – three months.  I am sorry for the things Peanut has endured in his short life.  He lost his birth family and his link to his past at a very young age.  He’s had medical trauma of which we may not ever know the scope of. This past August, everything familiar ceased.  Everything changed.  Everything.  For sure, his future became brighter when we showed up.  When we signed all of those documents and provided the many finger prints in red ink, Kyle’s fate changed.  He will be healthy.  He will be loved.  He will belong.  But what is better in the long run is not quite how things look to an almost four year old little boy who is probably still trying to put everything together in his head. 

It has been three months of firsts.  How exciting it is to see the wonder unfold.  The fact National Adoption Month is celebrated during a month we set aside to give thanks is not lost on me.  And now for the super cute pictures, which is probably what you are really waiting for. 

First jackolantern!

First time trick or treating

First grilled cheese & tomato soup!