On Being Trendy

What does the word trendy mean to you?  Hip and fashionable?  The word trendy can describe the car you drive, what you wear, what you eat and even your parenting style. Recently, I saw the word trendy being used in connection with adopting children from China and it made me angry.

Speaking of trendy, Pintrest is pretty hip right now. I don’t think I need to go in to an explanation of what Pintrest is.  If you don't know what Pintrest is, you have been living under a rock and I'm surprised you found my blog.  I go to Pintrest to get ideas on how to repurpose an old chair, how to use leftover Thanksgiving turkey and how to style my hair to suit my face. I love Pintrest but it is not generally known as a website that causes the casual browser to become irritated. Leave it to me.

I was scrolling through Pintrest to get food and decorating ideas for Chinese New Year. I wasn't finding what I wanted and eventually used “China adoption” as a search term. I found some adoption blogs and info on agencies - stuff I expected to see.  I also found pins with verbiage like this:   

“How freaking cute is that - I want a little China doll, too!”

“Someday I will save (adopt) a little China girl.”

“If I can’t have any kids of my own, I totally want one of those little Chinese babies”. 

Statements like this may anger or irritate families who have adopted from China.  Most of the time I try to let that sort of stuff go (cue in Frozen music). I might give a little eye roll over the ignorant and misguided (but basically benign) comments. I have learned not to get wrapped around semantics because I think well-meaning people often use poor word choices when describing China adoption. But today, one comment got to me: 

"The current wait to adopt a healthy girl from China is 7 years. While it isn't as trendy, the greatest need in China is for parents willing to adopt boys with special needs”.

Trendy? My jaw literally dropped. While she had the wait time right, the “isn’t as trendy” comment shocked me (I am hard to shock, people). And frankly, it really pissed me off. True, many parents adopting from China are very deliberate about choosing girls. I have no beef with this.  I see nothing wrong with having a preference for one gender over the other. And true, because of this preference for girls it is very, very easy to adopt little boys with very moderate and manageable special needs. I should know - as I write this, one of those little boys is a asleep in the bedroom down the hall. I take issue with it being labeled as “the greatest need in China”. China is not pushing their children upon families outside her borders. There are thousands of children in China that are available for adoption, but the application and approval process are rigorous. Adopting these children is a privilege that the Chinese government grants us - not something that they are asking us to do because it is a need.

Motivation and reasons for adopting are personal. There are many families out there who have completed or are pursuing adoptions because they feel called by God, because they want there to be “one less” orphan in the world, or because they just want to be parents. Or a combination of all three of those reasons. For some families, “saving a child” is the motivator for adoption and for others, it is just a collateral effect of adopting a child who was once an orphan. Questioning a loving and qualified family’s reasons for adopting is not my beez, but to learn that the motivator “because it’s cool and trendy” is something that people actually consider kind of makes me want to yack.   

Some time back, small, teacup sized dogs being carried around in their owner’s handbag was a trend…I don’t know, maybe it still is. I always though that was kind of silly. No matter how cute and cool your pint-sized pup is, it is still an animal and a big responsibility once the “aw” factor wears off . Maybe it will cease being so utterly darling once it pees on your rug and leaves little teeth marks on the leg of your coffee table. Whatever.  We should not compare the “pup in a Birkin bag” to our adopted children from China or anywhere else. Or children, period. With Zack’s adoption, we set out to adopt a child.  As it turned out, he just happened to be a boy. I never thought of this as the “less trendy” option and I’ve never once thought of my child as a fashion accessory. He won’t be something I get tired of and being his mother isn’t going to go out of style. That said, we do look really good together.   

I know many families who have adopted little girls from China.  Many were deliberate about adopting girls.  Of these families the motives to adopt are probably all over the place and there are probably many of these families whose motives and ideals I would disagree with. And with most things, I’m fine with agreeing to disagree. But when it comes to calling our parenting choice trendy or even ever so slightly putting our kids on the same level as Uggs or a Kate Spade bag…no. Wrong. By the way, I think Uggs are the fugliest thing ever.   

I’m sure I’m getting wrapped around semantics just a teensy little bit. I could give this Pintrest commenter (whom I don't know) the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she only meant to educate Pintrest readers at large on the opportunities to adopt wonderful boys waiting in China.  As for me, I confine my attempts to be trendy to my wardrobe choices.  At least I try; still working on that Kate Spade bag. I am weighing selling an organ I'm not using versus skipping lunch for a year.  By the way, that's a joke.  My bag is from Target and I rock it. 

While I know that Zack’s life is infinitely better with our family than it would have been if he’d stayed in China, I still don’t think we rescued him. I don’t pat myself on the back for saving a child. I know that no matter how many people adopt children who need families that there are always going to be orphans in the world and that bringing them all home is not a realistic possibility…although it is a nice sentiment. And I don’t see parenthood as trendy, not by a stretch.  Exciting?  Messy?  Exhausting?  Joyful?  Yes to all.  I am Zack's mom. This is our life.  What is fashionable or the “it” thing of the moment…not even a factor.

And in the words of Forrest Gump - that is all I have to say about that.  If you have enjoyed reading my blog hop on over to the Jillville Facebook page and show me some "like"
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