On Being An Older Mother

When twenty-something me wondered what forty-something me would be like she surely never…hold on.  Wait a minute.  Back the bus up.  Twenty-something me did not spend her time wondering what life would be like in her forties.  Because forty-something was far, far off.  And because forty was…well, old. 

Although twenty-something me didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about forty-something me I’m pretty sure that even if twenty-something me had taken  some time to ponder what life would be like in her forties she would not have expected to be parenting toddlers.   

So now, I am one of those “older moms”.  I am the oldest mom on the playground.  I am the oldest mom at daycare.  When I see women with children Doodlebug’s age at the pediatrician, the grocery store, and anywhere else you might see mommies and kiddos, I am the oldest one with the youngest kid.  Always.  It doesn’t matter that I might be able to run circles around some of these young mommies – or at the very least keep up with them.  It doesn’t matter that my clothes are (relatively) hip and that I don’t have a visible gray hair.  I am older than my toddler mom peers.    

Haven’t we all heard “I want to be a young mom so my kids and I can grow up together”?  Said by young moms, naturally.  “I want to be having kids when I’m staring menopause in the face” is said by no one ever…at least I don’t think so.  I don’t want to present my situation as less than ideal, or an afterthought.  There are advantages to being older parents, such as financial and professional security.  While we are far from rolling in money, we are financially sound and established in our careers.  The extreme penny pinching, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and living paycheck to paycheck are in the past.  I also think that more life experience and broadened world view may lead to more relaxed parenting.  There tends to be less stress over “am I doing this right” and more patience that sometimes comes with age. 

I am more confident and self-assured in my forties than I was in my twenties and thirties, which is a natural result of maturity and life experience.  As a mother in her forties, confidence is my ally.  I’m more outspoken and able to ask for what I want or what I think my child needs when dealing with insurance, healthcare workers, and educators.  I’m less likely to accept the canned “this is the way things are” and more inclined to push and question on my child’s behalf if I need to. 

As an older mother, I find myself taking the time to appreciate and find humor in things that would have (and did) stress me out and annoy me when I was in my twenties.  Since bringing Zack in to the family was such a conscious choice and such a long process, I think it helps me to stop and take time to appreciate just how rich my life really is.  I know it sounds silly to have these “gee my life is great” moments when I’m cleaning up so much pee I’m considering adding it as a skill on my resume, but at this age and place and my life, I really am grateful for all of it. 

I’m fortunate to be fit and healthy and although I am absolutely certain Jillian Michaels could teach me a thing or ten, my mommy-hood part II experience has been enhanced by the fact that I exercise a priority (usually).  The chasing after a toddler and the sleepless nights that accompany would have definitely been more painful if I were out of shape.  And if I didn’t before, I definitely have motivation to stay in shape now, other than my own vanity. 

I’m not suggesting twenty-somethings can’t be wonderful mothers.  I’ve touted the benefits of mature parenting but there are equally compelling benefits to being young when your kids are young.  Perhaps some young mommy will write a blog post about that.  As for me, I’ve been a young mom and now I’m a…well, let’s just call me a seasoned mom, how about that?  At forty-six (there, I said it) I know who I am and I know what’s important.  I also know what’s not important, like sweating the small stuff and worrying about what other people think. 

Parenting small children at this point in life is not for everyone.  But it the path we’ve chosen. Outside of international adoption circles it is the path less traveled...but in the words of Robert Frost, “I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”.  Well said, Mr. Frost.  Indeed it has.