A Thread from the Past, a Link to the Future?

When we made the decision to adopt children from China we did so with the knowledge that we’d be adding branches to our family tree that we didn’t know a lot about.  That we’d never know a lot about.  These are very young children we’re talking about, incapable of having a conversation with their new parents that begins something like “So, welcome to the family, now tell me about your life before us”.  We accept the unknown.  Grudgingly, maybe, but consciously. 

When a family adopts from China, they must submit a pile of documents to the Chinese government called a dossier.  These documents tell a family’s story from how where we went on our first date to the balance in our bank account.  China gets a lot of information on us in order to make the decision as to whether we make good parents.  China knows more about us than…well, us.  Unfortunately, it does not work the other way. 

I have never really spelled this out on my blog before, but children from China are available for adoption because they were abandoned by their birth families.  I try not to focus on this too much because it may one day cause my boys pain.  I try to remember that while this is part of our family’s story, much of it is their story to tell and they may have different ways of managing the feelings of not being raised by their birth families.  I can’t say they weren’t wanted.  I can guess as to why they were made available for adoption…but I won’t ever really know and neither will they. 

Because of this lack of information and leap of faith we take when bringing them home, we do everything we can to try to preserve their birth culture and to find out everything we can about their lives before us…even when that seems impossible.  We pay researchers to go through Chinese newspapers to locate “finding ads” which are basically lost and found notices for abandoned children.  Sometimes these come with pictures, and these mug shots are cherished by us as the earliest picture we have of our children. 

Adoptive parents of China’s children have built very strong social networks, through various forums, blogs, closed Facebook groups and Yahoo groups.  I belong to a “China Adopt Talk” forum that we all call “Rumor Queen”, four yahoo groups and six Facebook groups.  All of these groups are for a different sub-topic/date range/geographic area, such as Military Families.  I know it sounds complicated and a little crazy, and maybe it is, but through these networks, we can sometimes fill in the gaps and find missing pieces of the puzzle.  Sometimes it’s all about commiserating on how long the stinkin’ paperwork is taking, griping about our social workers (not that I do that, Gerald is great) or asking around about the best places to eat in Jinan or buy jade in Guangzhou.  But sometimes, it brings something a little more substantial. 

I answer a lot of posts requesting information on Rumor Queen – RQ for short – about travel to China, in particular to Zack’s province.  When we were getting ready to travel, I did not feel like I had great resources of information on this relatively remote part of China.  I am thankful for those who did reach out and give me great info – hey, you cannot place value on someone telling you that you need a lot of throat drops in Taiyuan, trust me – and I made the decision to stay connected to the China community and pay it forward.  Little did I know…well, that is another story perhaps more fully explained on another day. 

I answered a few posts from a fellow mom who was adopting a child not only from Zack’s province but from his hometown of Yuncheng City.  This city is kind of “shrouded in mystery” because no one gets to go.  It is a 6-7 hour train ride from the provincial capital (where all adoptions take place).  The children are brought on the train by the orphanage director in the morning and the Yuncheng families meet their new kids after they’ve just gotten off the train.  Fun stuff.  This is ALWAYS on a Monday late afternoon (read back to the post where I wrote one of the reasons we chose China was the stable and structured adoption process).  You get your new child (who probably isn’t thrilled you showed up) on Monday and you have to leave their province for Guangzhou on Friday morning.  There are other things to do to complete the adoption and a 6-7 hour each way train ride through industrial China usually isn’t on the agenda…or even a good idea, all things considered. 

Most if not all Yuncheng kids are living in foster homes.  That part is important, so remember it.  The kids are known to be generally healthy and well cared for before they come to us, despite the extreme pollution and poverty of that region.  So, back to the fellow mom.  I happened to be on her blog and I saw a picture of her little boy, who was, at the time, due to join his new family within 10 short days.  (Goosebump alert) I recognized the place where the picture was taken because I’d seen it before in a bunch of photographs that we’d received of Zack before he came home.  It was very distinct and I knew there could be no mistake about the location being the same.  I had to smile at the picture because the little boy was wearing a ruffled shirt.  The first picture I’d ever seen of Zack showed him sporting a similar shirt and I’d naturally thought “ooh, what a cute little girl”.  Then I looked closer and noticed that something else looked familiar – his face. 

I went back to pictures that we were sent of Zack enjoying some cake on his second birthday – roughly two months before we met him.  At the time, I’d been so upset that he wasn’t home with us for his birthday, but I was happy to see he’d had a little bit of a celebration.  In the picture were 3 other children and two other adults.  I now know that the adults are Zack’s orphanage director and foster mother, but I always wondered about the kids – two were older and one was a baby in some sort of high chair contraption.  With these pictures, I got an update that had answered a few of my questions and given me a little bit of a glimpse in to what Zack’s life was like.  Like the fact that he liked fruits and sweet foods and toys that made noise.  And, like the fact that there was a younger foster brother living in the home, and what his name was.  This picture of the boy in the cute ruffles was that same boy, 6-7 months older. 

I put the pictures up side by side.  I called my husband in to verify that this was the same kid.  And then I sent an email telling this lady that I believed I had a picture of her son and that I believed that our boys were in the same foster home.  I asked if she wanted to see it, and of course she said yes.  For both of us, that is a puzzle piece that we’re able to give these boys.  It may mean something to them later.  They may not care.  They may need or want a connection to their past, to their early years.  They may reject it.  How they treat this puzzle piece is up to boys who were once from Yuncheng City, but two mothers who are miles apart living different lives can offer it.  And we are connected by it as well. 

Are these new friends?  Foster-in-laws?  I don’t know what our future brings.  I’ve a hunch these boys and these moms will meet one day.  There is a phrase that China moms have kind of taken over about an invisible red thread: 

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break”.

This phrase is used a lot in our circles, just as ladybugs are supposedly the symbol of adoption from China.  I used to think that these sentiments were a load of hooey…although they sounded nice and people got all touchy-feely over them.  After connecting with this woman and securing this tiny sliver of Zack’s past, I’m no longer willing to raise my hand and say “yeah, that red thread thing is silly”.  It isn’t.  These two little boys – likely un-related although we’ll really never know – were abandoned on the other side of the world in a place most Westerners have never heard of…I mean come on, have you heard of Yuncheng City?  They were cared for by the same foster mother and I have every indication that she took good care of them, and then went their separate ways, both to potentially come together again, as citizens of the United States.  I have no idea what made me look at this blog less than a week before this family went to China.  I’d seen the blog before – even glanced at an earlier picture of this little boy before, where nothing registered.  But one night, two hours past my bedtime, I looked.  And I saw.  And I connected. 

Maybe there is something to this red thread thing after all.  But, I’m still not going to buy off on this whole ladybug connection.  Maybe just on principle.