Top 10 Adoption Questions/Comments

Actually, Top 8, but Top 10 sounded way cooler. Who's counting, anyway? OK, so no question is a dumb question, right?  I’ve put together a list of questions/comments I’ve gotten in response to our decision to adopt from China.  Some are pretty fair, some make me want to roll my eyes and some are potentially offensive, but I’m usually pretty good natured (so far) in explaining this stuff.  Here we go.   

 “Are you going to tell him he’s adopted?”

We are leaning towards yes.  Hello?  Like that won’t be obvious?

 “Are you going to teach him to speak English?”

Yes.  He will be 2ish when he comes home and probably will still be learning to talk.  We plan to speak English to him, since this is the only language Hubs and I speak well.  No comment to the one person who asked if he would learn to speak Klingon.  You know who you are. 

 “When the Chinese take over the world, you will be safe”. 

I won’t even pretend I understand this comment.

 “What’s wrong with him”?

This one is mildly irritating, but I let it go.  Since we are open about the fact that we’re adopting under “China Special Needs”, people are curious about what that means.  Doodlebug has a congenital deformity of his right hand – a birth defect that we don’t expect to limit him.  The “Special Needs” is a label the China program has adopted (no pun intended) and we don’t plan to use that term in relation to our kid. 

“How much does he cost”?

He is free.  The shipping/handling/processing is not free.  There are various fees associated with document authentication; social worker/agency costs; fees to the consulate and Homeland Security for immigration processing; an orphanage “donation” and of course the travel costs.  If you are considering adoption, I will gladly share with you.  If I think you’re just being nosy about our finances, I might deflect your questions.  I mean really, do I go up to the mom of a newborn and ask her about the cost of her prenatal care? 

“They should pay you to take him”.

I have no idea how to politely respond to this.  If you’ve asked me and I seem uncomfortable, it’s because I just don’t know what to say to this type of comment.  Of course I wish this process were less time consuming and costly, but it is what it is.  I try very hard not to complain about it because it doesn’t do any good or make things easier for us. 

 “Why are you adopting a Chinese baby when so many American babies need good homes”?

Several reasons:  First, there are not “so many” American babies available for adoption.  Most adoptions are either open (birth mother selects the adoptive parents before birth and expect some sort of contact throughout the child’s life in addition to funding certain expenses for the birth mother).  There are also adoptions that stem from foster care, but these are usually older children and are often in sibling groups.  For various reasons, these do not work for us.  We also explored Eastern Europe and Ethiopia and found the China program to be the best fit for us.  The Chinese program is stable and the birth mothers are generally healthy, non-drinkers/non-drug users.  The cost of the program and the logistics (amount of trips to the birth country/time spent in the birth country were more lengthy for other countries) was most manageable for us.  We realize this child will not look like us.  See question 1. 

 And finally, my favorite, “You are a saint”.

 

Yes, I realize people who say this don't know me very well.  We are adopting because we want to be parents.  We are not "do-gooders" and we don't see this as "rescuing a child".  While he will most assuredly have a better life with us, we will also have a better life because of him.