The Checkout Line

The checkout line is a part of everyday life for most of us.  I guess there are probably some snooty falooty people out there that have “staff” to run errands for them, but for the rest of us peasants, standing in line at the store is something we do. 
 

Aside from the obvious “not fun” factor of waiting in a line when you have better things to do and places to be, the checkout is a place where you’re sandwiched between people you don’t know at close range.  Eye contact and the meaningless or even awkward small talk that sometimes follows is part of the fun. 

Lately, I’ve become pretty adept at avoiding that eye contact.  I am a fairly social creature, but often, that initial eye contact end resulting small talk results in questions that run the gamut between the truly offensive and the “I’m just tired of answering” category. 

Most people are pretty quick to come to the conclusion that my adorable Chinese boys are not my biological sons…although there have been a few who seem to need to take the extra step and ask me if my husband is Asian, just to be sure.  I accept that people are curious about our family and that curiosity comes in varying degrees.  I can almost hear the wheels turning in people’s heads while in the checkout line.  If I make that eye contact, if I smile, then I’m potentially opening that door to conversation and to The Questions. 

On some level, I don’t mind The Questions.  If I can answer a question or clear up a misconception about adoption, I’m usually happy to do that.  If I can give someone who is potentially interested in adoption some information to help them get started, even better.  But sometimes, I just want to be a shopper.  Just a mom.  Just an “average Jill” in the store pushing a shopping cart.  I didn’t sign on to be the poster girl for international adoption.  Just because my family is “different” doesn’t mean I want to or should be expected to stop what I’m doing and answer questions about my life to someone who is “just curious”. 

I wish that I could give a knowing nod to those checkout line people in that brief moment between initial eye contact and the “Say, can I ask you a question” slipping from their lips. That knowing nod would say “Yep.  I know what you want to know.”  I wish I could dig in to my bag and whip out a “FAQ” document and sweetly tell these people “Whatever you were about to ask me, it’s in here.  I’m just going to zone out/play Angry Birds/stop my kids from hitting each other with boxes of Kraft mac & cheese.  Cheers.”

If I had such a “FAQ” document in my mommy bag, it would go something like this:

Answers to Adoption FAQs:

My boys are adopted from China.

Yes...they know.

No...they don't really understand that very well at this point.

Yes...when they get older, we plan to explain it to them (duh and here's your sign).

Yes...I am sure they are Chinese (this from a lady who I think might have been Japanese telling me that they "look Korean").

My husband is a white guy from Michigan, but the mail carrier might be Asian.  I'm not really going to say more. Keeps you guessing, doesn't it?

No...they are not twins.

Yes...they are brothers.  Real brothers.  I know what you mean.  They are REAL BROTHERS.  That's all.

Do I have any real/normal/regular kids?  All of my kids are real...I don't know about normal most days.  I thought of getting some of those fake kids, you know, like Pinnichio, but I think I will stick with these. 

I have one biological daughter. 

No, I can't have "my own" children*.  If you want to talk more about my reproductive system, we are going to have to take this convo beyond the checkout line and that will involve you purchasing me some sort of beverage.  That's all...

Sadly, I do not know Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Jillian Michaels or the "Little Couple".  Yes...I know these people all adopted kids from "other countries" too.  But I still don't know them.

I don't know anything about the Duggars adopting from China.  I don't know them, either.

My children are American citizens...Yes...real American citizens...Yes...regular American citizens.

They will be able to vote when they're 18 unless the laws change.

They speak English.

We don't speak Chinese, sadly.

They eat macaroni and cheese and most other "kid food".  I'm very lucky that neither one of them are picky.  I am not sure if they "used to eat cats and dogs".  Wow.  Thanks for asking that.  Something for me to ponder, for sure.

We have no plans to enroll them in gymnastics, violin or competitive ping pong.  We're not sure if they are going to be "really good at math".  Right now, we are working on SHARING and the meaning/application of the "Clean Up" song.

I am their "real mother".  The subject of our sons' biological or birth mothers (either term is acceptable) is not something we talk about outside out family.  That's all.

I don't want your opinion on "how horrible the Chinese are for adbandoning their kids" and neither do my kids.  They don't understand what all of that means yet, but one day they will...and they won't appreciate it being addressed by a stranger in a store. 

We adopted from China's "Waiting Child" Program, which takes 12-18 months on average.  "Waiting Child" program is the official name for what some refer to as the "China special needs" program. 

If you have just asked me "so, what's wrong with them/him" and I have smacked you upside the head, don't expect an apology. 

If you are interested in the specifics of adoption, including the cost, our placing agency is Wasatch Adoptions out of Ogden, Utah.  I'd be happy to give you their details. They have a great website and blog and if you have questions beyond that, then give their office a call - they are really wonderful about answering questions. Google them. 

How did we "get boys"?  China adoptions have changed a lot in recent years.  Lots of boys are available for adoption.  If you want to learn more, please contact Wasatch or any adoption agency that facilitates China adoptions. 

We chose to adopt from China because it was the best adoption choice for our family.  If you are one of those people who has just asked me "why didn't you adopt from "your own" country when there are "so many American kids" I could have adopted, then I suggest you quickly educate yourself about the Foster Care System in the United States, because you are clearly unfamiliar with it.

If you just told me that my kids are "so lucky"...thank you.  I know you meant that nicely and I've learned to accept that compliment gracefully.  It is a little sad that children are called lucky because they have parents.  Every child deserves a family.  Sadly, not every child has one.  I feel I'm "so lucky", too.  When I am not stepping on itty bitty cars and when the boys aren't hitting each other, that is...

Bottom line - these kids needed a family.  I had room in mine.  They are wanted; they are loved. 

*Terrible question to ask a parent who has or is in process of adopting.  A parent who has made the choice to adopt after infertility miscarriages, or after the death of a biological child has already suffered loss.  People deal with loss and grief in different ways.  A checkout line (or playground or water cooler or church coffee) might not be the place to ask a stranger - or even someone you know - questions about their ability to reproduce "the old fashioned way".  Besides...you might get more than you bargained for.  I would love to see the look on someone's face if I suddenly launched in to the nitty gritty details of my lady parts...just once.