How Are We Doing? Read On.

We met Kyle 3 weeks and 4 days ago.  We have been home for 5 days (after a bumpy China trip and a hellish trip home).  How are we doing? 

In some ways, it seems like Kyle has always been here.  In other ways, not.  Sometimes I see him beebopping around the house and think to myself “holy cow, there’s another kid here”! 

As far as bonding and attachment, Kyle seems to have taken to us pretty well.  He does have the tendency to mommy shop a little bit and he will go up to absolutely anyone.  While I’m not a fan of “the cocoon” (a process where parents hole up in the house with their newly adopted kids, discourage visitors and allow no one but mom and dad to hold, care for or feed their new child), we have been staying pretty close to home and keeping things relatively low key.  Don’t worry – I’m not one of those militant cocooning moms who will shriek “don’t touch my child”.  If he will let you hold him, so will I.  For a bit – I’ll be keeping my eye on you.  My head won’t spin around if you offer him a cracker.  But, we are intentionally keeping his world relatively small. 

 

Kyle is Kyle.  We called him “Jin Jin” for the first couple of days, but honestly, I think we were pronouncing it wrong (Mandarin is tonal), because he didn’t really respond to that.  He has definitely taken to his name and knows when we are addressing him.  His receptive language is great.  Basically, he will do what we tell him to do and shake his head yes or nod when we ask him a question.  “Go in the other room and get your bug shoes”; “give that to daddy”; “are you sleepy”; “do you want to eat/drink/go potty/go bye bye”…etc.  By the way, in any language, when you ask a three year old if he is sleepy, wants to go to bed, or take a nap, the answer is never yes.  Ever.  EVER. 

Kyle repeats things we say to him and can count to 5 if coached a little bit.  He says the following words spontaneously:

Eat, more, noodles, no, poop, mommy, daddy, sissy, Pee Ew, uh-oh, dog, bubbles, hello, bye-bye, please, shoes, hot, cheese, meow, Sponge Bob (or something like that) and teeth.  By the way, he calls Zack “di di” which is Chinese for little brother.  I know…aw. 

Other things he will say if we repeat it to him.  He can point to about 8 body parts when asked things like “where’s your nose”?  He enjoys singing games like “Itsy Bitsy Spider”…we believe his caregiver sang to him quite a bit and he does seem to gravitate toward musical toys. 

 

He’s got a (mostly) sunny personality but his obstinate streak is starting to show through.  He is generally pretty obedient and is very good about sharing.  He is an AWESOME sleeper.  He sleeps very soundly and sleeps all night.  He’ll go down for about a two hour nap each day.  He is a little difficult to get to sleep because he doesn’t like to go to bed.  He whines and kicks a little bit until he realizes that we mean business and gives up.  He puts his shirt over his face when he’s about to go to sleep or really upset – that seems to be his security gesture.  He will not sleep with a pillow or a blanket…he is going to be rocking some footie pajamas this winter.  He’s fairly affectionate and has been giving all of us random, unsolicited kisses and hugs.  It’s very sweet.  He still does not usually take to being held when he’s agitated or upset, so the fact that he’s not yet willing to let me comfort him tells me we have some inroads to make with the bonding. 

 

Chinese children are rarely told “no”, that they can’t do something or disciplined, so being in our structured home has been a little bit of a shocker.  Kyle will often “shut down/tune out” when told no/not to do something.  He will become very quiet and sullen and pull his tee-shirt up over his face.  This lasted about half an hour the first time, but have been getting progressively shorter.  He pretty much knows what he is and is not supposed to do now.  We run a fairly tight ship and don’t subscribe to the “don’t tell children no” school of parenting.  Uh…no.  He’s adjusting well.

He has swam in the paddling pool a bit and we spent a little bit of time in a big pool while we are still in China.  He likes water but he’s a little wary of it.  He does like baths, but we have a hard time getting him to sit on his bottom versus squat.  He lets me wash his hair, brush his teeth, clean his ears and cut his nails with no problem.  He loves being clean and really likes powder and lotion.  He is afraid of animals.  The dog at my in-laws house gave him fits and he still shrieks whenever Henry comes too close, but he is willing to tolerate being in the same room with Henry…mostly because Henry isn’t too keen on getting anywhere near Kyle. 

He has a great appetite and has eaten just about everything we give him.  He does not seem to be a huge fan of tomato sauce (although he loves fresh tomatoes) but he will eat it.  Any sort of bland, saucy pasta or rice is a favorite, as well as eggs.  We had quiche for dinner tonight and he tore it up.  I’ve started him on Pedia Sure today – he really needs to gain some weight.  I know that we may eventually have to adjust his diet to something “no white” or gluten free but for now…I’m just trying to get weight on him.  Kyle weighed 19 pounds when we met him and at three and a half – that is way too small.  He needs to chunk up.  I’ll take whatever direction the doctors give me on down the road but I’m just happy to have him eat. 

We have our first appointment with the pediatrician tomorrow, which will hopefully begin a round of referrals, blood tests (YUCK), vaccinations, etcetera.  We are still keeping the bulk of Kyle’s medical issues to ourselves, for his privacy, but he does have some substantial GI issues we weren’t expecting and was significantly underweight for his age.  We are hoping that our love and care along with good, Western (albeit military) medicine will help him to bloom.

Kyle is a very smart little boy.  He is a fast learner and catches on to things very quickly.  However, we think he has some “orphanage delays”.  It’s pretty obvious he’s never had any sort of developmental or educational toys.  He seems very familiar with how to manipulate a smart phone and is comfortable on playground equipment, but puzzles, stacking/sorting toys, blocks do not seem familiar to him and crayons seem to baffle him.  He does, however, know what to do with stickers.  He is following Zack’s lead and seems to be enjoying playing with the toys at our house and usually catches on fast once we show him how to do something.  We have thought of putting away a few things and limiting his access to a few things at a time (we have a LOT of toys) because he seems sort of overwhelmed with all that there is to play with.  One thing he does not like, though, is TV.  He asks to watch cartoons but he will not sit for any length of time to watch them.  If I had to guess, he was cuddled a lot and sang to and treated like a much younger child.  He was loved and seems to know how to show love and be loved so for that, I am thankful.  I keep telling myself that his caregivers did the best they could with what resources they had.

How are the rest of us doing?

Zack is dealing with having to share his parent’s attention, his possessions and his room with another child.  He’s also having a really hard time with Kyle wearing some of his old clothes, which he sees as “his”, even though these things no longer fit.  He’s taken to mimicking everything Kyle does – Kyle fell down in our garden while playing tonight and Zack threw himself on the ground, also.  Oh brother.  He is very bossy and sometimes aggressive with Kyle, but it is nothing out of the scope of what you’d expect. 

I am having a hard time.  I am struggling.  I don’t usually expose my “soft little underbelly” this way, but the past three weeks have worn me down and have caused me to be willing to admit vulnerabilities that I wouldn’t ordinarily admit to.  I am stressed out. 

Yes…I wanted this child.  No…he wasn’t what I expected. Yes…I still love him and still want him.  He is where is he supposed to be, which is in our family.  Everything that could have gone wrong with our trip and homecoming did.  OK…the van did not have a flat tire on the way home from the airport and the house was still standing when we got home….but seriously, the trip was so horrific that I can’t even write it all down.  I’ve tried three times to get it out on paper and can’t.  Now that we are home we have a bunch of “collateral” issues going on – pay issues, work issues, issues with getting Kyle seen by a pediatrician sometime before Thanksgiving.  Every paper pusher I’ve encountered talks about how Kyle is different from a “regular” child, a “real” child or a “normal” child.  It’s absurd.  Why can’t things settle down for us and why can’t my life resemble some sort of normal?  Am I not due for a break?

We’ve been supported by so many wonderful and unexpected people during this time in our lives but it pains me to see that so many we thought were close to us have not reached out to offer any words of encouragement.  My circle has narrowed since we’ve adopted and it saddens me to see it getting smaller.  For every casual friend, acquaintance and stranger that has reached out and shown us kindness, there is someone I thought was a good friend who didn’t.  Not “hey Robbins Family – thinking of you”.  Not “anything I can do?” – which there wasn’t.  Not “Man, that sucks.”  Just…nothing.  And the nothingness has stung.  A lot. 

Maybe some of my Facebook peeps are getting tired of our “adoption tale of woe”.  We had someone suggest we “drop off a script” in LA while we were there.  Not sure what that meant (maybe nothing) and don’t want to know.  Call me dramatic (I know…such a stretch) but I’ve swam uphill and walked the hardest road of my life for this child.  We’re still figuring each other out, he and I.  It isn’t the deep, instant love that I felt for Zack, but it is the love of a mother for her child. 

I did not set out on this path to “save” this child.  I wanted another child, quite selfishly.  Kyle was the child we chose.  Or maybe there was a larger hand in that choice.  But in walking this path, I clearly see that we have probably saved this child’s life.  We have definitely changed his fate, changed his path.  I don’t say that in a “look at me” or “pat me on the back, I am so noble” sort of way.  It’s true.  It’s fact.

Adoption is not for the weak.  Not for the faint of heart.  I am not a weak person but this process has tested me in ways I can’t even begin to write down and has changed me in ways I cannot explain…not just yet.  Don’t tell me “it will all work out – he has a good home now”.  Of course it will and I know he does.  If that is you saying that – thank you, but that does not offer me comfort now.  Maybe nothing offers me comfort.  Maybe telling me “I’m your friend/cousin/neighbor/stranger off the street and I’m thinking about you – hang in there” might offer me some comfort.  Ask me how I’m doing.  Talk to me about something BESIDES adoption, children or my horrible trip.  Take me out for coffee and don’t make me talk at all. 

I am angry…and maybe I just need to be angry for a little while.  I am angry over the state that this child was in when he was handed over to us, and instead of that anger dissipating, it grows.  I get angry every time I feed him and see how eager he is to eat.  I get angry when I reflect that three of the dozen or so English words he says without being prompted are “eat, more, and noodles”.  I get angry when I recall the day that his orphanage caregiver who seemed to genuinely care about my son told me “don’t feed him too much because he will poop too much and doesn’t know when to stop eating.”  I get angry each time I change his clothes and see how tiny he is, angry that I can count each of his ribs through his skin.  I am angry that I just had to order 12 month clothes for my three and a half year old.  I am angry that a bright and beautiful child like this had to be shown how to play with the most basic of baby toys.  I hope and pray that this anger and fire I feel will turn constructive and allow me to DO SOMETHING” versus just stewing…because really, that isn’t me.  I’m not sure what this something I can or should do is just yet.  But I’m different now. 

But overall…I’m coping.  There is a lot of joy in my life these days and a lot to be thankful for.  There is also a lot of stupid red tape and a lot of bigotry and lack of understanding that my jet-lagged, over-exhausted self is dealing with while trying to figure out what my new normal is – as mother of three and a wearer of my country’s uniform.  Hopefully, I will catch a break, soon.

Cheers, people.