A Thread from the Past, a Link to the Future?

When we made the decision to adopt children from China we did so with the knowledge that we’d be adding branches to our family tree that we didn’t know a lot about.  That we’d never know a lot about.  These are very young children we’re talking about, incapable of having a conversation with their new parents that begins something like “So, welcome to the family, now tell me about your life before us”.  We accept the unknown.  Grudgingly, maybe, but consciously. 

When a family adopts from China, they must submit a pile of documents to the Chinese government called a dossier.  These documents tell a family’s story from how where we went on our first date to the balance in our bank account.  China gets a lot of information on us in order to make the decision as to whether we make good parents.  China knows more about us than…well, us.  Unfortunately, it does not work the other way. 

I have never really spelled this out on my blog before, but children from China are available for adoption because they were abandoned by their birth families.  I try not to focus on this too much because it may one day cause my boys pain.  I try to remember that while this is part of our family’s story, much of it is their story to tell and they may have different ways of managing the feelings of not being raised by their birth families.  I can’t say they weren’t wanted.  I can guess as to why they were made available for adoption…but I won’t ever really know and neither will they. 

Because of this lack of information and leap of faith we take when bringing them home, we do everything we can to try to preserve their birth culture and to find out everything we can about their lives before us…even when that seems impossible.  We pay researchers to go through Chinese newspapers to locate “finding ads” which are basically lost and found notices for abandoned children.  Sometimes these come with pictures, and these mug shots are cherished by us as the earliest picture we have of our children. 

Adoptive parents of China’s children have built very strong social networks, through various forums, blogs, closed Facebook groups and Yahoo groups.  I belong to a “China Adopt Talk” forum that we all call “Rumor Queen”, four yahoo groups and six Facebook groups.  All of these groups are for a different sub-topic/date range/geographic area, such as Military Families.  I know it sounds complicated and a little crazy, and maybe it is, but through these networks, we can sometimes fill in the gaps and find missing pieces of the puzzle.  Sometimes it’s all about commiserating on how long the stinkin’ paperwork is taking, griping about our social workers (not that I do that, Gerald is great) or asking around about the best places to eat in Jinan or buy jade in Guangzhou.  But sometimes, it brings something a little more substantial. 

I answer a lot of posts requesting information on Rumor Queen – RQ for short – about travel to China, in particular to Zack’s province.  When we were getting ready to travel, I did not feel like I had great resources of information on this relatively remote part of China.  I am thankful for those who did reach out and give me great info – hey, you cannot place value on someone telling you that you need a lot of throat drops in Taiyuan, trust me – and I made the decision to stay connected to the China community and pay it forward.  Little did I know…well, that is another story perhaps more fully explained on another day. 

I answered a few posts from a fellow mom who was adopting a child not only from Zack’s province but from his hometown of Yuncheng City.  This city is kind of “shrouded in mystery” because no one gets to go.  It is a 6-7 hour train ride from the provincial capital (where all adoptions take place).  The children are brought on the train by the orphanage director in the morning and the Yuncheng families meet their new kids after they’ve just gotten off the train.  Fun stuff.  This is ALWAYS on a Monday late afternoon (read back to the post where I wrote one of the reasons we chose China was the stable and structured adoption process).  You get your new child (who probably isn’t thrilled you showed up) on Monday and you have to leave their province for Guangzhou on Friday morning.  There are other things to do to complete the adoption and a 6-7 hour each way train ride through industrial China usually isn’t on the agenda…or even a good idea, all things considered. 

Most if not all Yuncheng kids are living in foster homes.  That part is important, so remember it.  The kids are known to be generally healthy and well cared for before they come to us, despite the extreme pollution and poverty of that region.  So, back to the fellow mom.  I happened to be on her blog and I saw a picture of her little boy, who was, at the time, due to join his new family within 10 short days.  (Goosebump alert) I recognized the place where the picture was taken because I’d seen it before in a bunch of photographs that we’d received of Zack before he came home.  It was very distinct and I knew there could be no mistake about the location being the same.  I had to smile at the picture because the little boy was wearing a ruffled shirt.  The first picture I’d ever seen of Zack showed him sporting a similar shirt and I’d naturally thought “ooh, what a cute little girl”.  Then I looked closer and noticed that something else looked familiar – his face. 

I went back to pictures that we were sent of Zack enjoying some cake on his second birthday – roughly two months before we met him.  At the time, I’d been so upset that he wasn’t home with us for his birthday, but I was happy to see he’d had a little bit of a celebration.  In the picture were 3 other children and two other adults.  I now know that the adults are Zack’s orphanage director and foster mother, but I always wondered about the kids – two were older and one was a baby in some sort of high chair contraption.  With these pictures, I got an update that had answered a few of my questions and given me a little bit of a glimpse in to what Zack’s life was like.  Like the fact that he liked fruits and sweet foods and toys that made noise.  And, like the fact that there was a younger foster brother living in the home, and what his name was.  This picture of the boy in the cute ruffles was that same boy, 6-7 months older. 

I put the pictures up side by side.  I called my husband in to verify that this was the same kid.  And then I sent an email telling this lady that I believed I had a picture of her son and that I believed that our boys were in the same foster home.  I asked if she wanted to see it, and of course she said yes.  For both of us, that is a puzzle piece that we’re able to give these boys.  It may mean something to them later.  They may not care.  They may need or want a connection to their past, to their early years.  They may reject it.  How they treat this puzzle piece is up to boys who were once from Yuncheng City, but two mothers who are miles apart living different lives can offer it.  And we are connected by it as well. 

Are these new friends?  Foster-in-laws?  I don’t know what our future brings.  I’ve a hunch these boys and these moms will meet one day.  There is a phrase that China moms have kind of taken over about an invisible red thread: 

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break”.

This phrase is used a lot in our circles, just as ladybugs are supposedly the symbol of adoption from China.  I used to think that these sentiments were a load of hooey…although they sounded nice and people got all touchy-feely over them.  After connecting with this woman and securing this tiny sliver of Zack’s past, I’m no longer willing to raise my hand and say “yeah, that red thread thing is silly”.  It isn’t.  These two little boys – likely un-related although we’ll really never know – were abandoned on the other side of the world in a place most Westerners have never heard of…I mean come on, have you heard of Yuncheng City?  They were cared for by the same foster mother and I have every indication that she took good care of them, and then went their separate ways, both to potentially come together again, as citizens of the United States.  I have no idea what made me look at this blog less than a week before this family went to China.  I’d seen the blog before – even glanced at an earlier picture of this little boy before, where nothing registered.  But one night, two hours past my bedtime, I looked.  And I saw.  And I connected. 

Maybe there is something to this red thread thing after all.  But, I’m still not going to buy off on this whole ladybug connection.  Maybe just on principle. 

On Being An Older Mother

When twenty-something me wondered what forty-something me would be like she surely never…hold on.  Wait a minute.  Back the bus up.  Twenty-something me did not spend her time wondering what life would be like in her forties.  Because forty-something was far, far off.  And because forty was…well, old. 

Although twenty-something me didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about forty-something me I’m pretty sure that even if twenty-something me had taken  some time to ponder what life would be like in her forties she would not have expected to be parenting toddlers.   

So now, I am one of those “older moms”.  I am the oldest mom on the playground.  I am the oldest mom at daycare.  When I see women with children Doodlebug’s age at the pediatrician, the grocery store, and anywhere else you might see mommies and kiddos, I am the oldest one with the youngest kid.  Always.  It doesn’t matter that I might be able to run circles around some of these young mommies – or at the very least keep up with them.  It doesn’t matter that my clothes are (relatively) hip and that I don’t have a visible gray hair.  I am older than my toddler mom peers.    

Haven’t we all heard “I want to be a young mom so my kids and I can grow up together”?  Said by young moms, naturally.  “I want to be having kids when I’m staring menopause in the face” is said by no one ever…at least I don’t think so.  I don’t want to present my situation as less than ideal, or an afterthought.  There are advantages to being older parents, such as financial and professional security.  While we are far from rolling in money, we are financially sound and established in our careers.  The extreme penny pinching, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and living paycheck to paycheck are in the past.  I also think that more life experience and broadened world view may lead to more relaxed parenting.  There tends to be less stress over “am I doing this right” and more patience that sometimes comes with age. 

I am more confident and self-assured in my forties than I was in my twenties and thirties, which is a natural result of maturity and life experience.  As a mother in her forties, confidence is my ally.  I’m more outspoken and able to ask for what I want or what I think my child needs when dealing with insurance, healthcare workers, and educators.  I’m less likely to accept the canned “this is the way things are” and more inclined to push and question on my child’s behalf if I need to. 

As an older mother, I find myself taking the time to appreciate and find humor in things that would have (and did) stress me out and annoy me when I was in my twenties.  Since bringing Zack in to the family was such a conscious choice and such a long process, I think it helps me to stop and take time to appreciate just how rich my life really is.  I know it sounds silly to have these “gee my life is great” moments when I’m cleaning up so much pee I’m considering adding it as a skill on my resume, but at this age and place and my life, I really am grateful for all of it. 

I’m fortunate to be fit and healthy and although I am absolutely certain Jillian Michaels could teach me a thing or ten, my mommy-hood part II experience has been enhanced by the fact that I exercise a priority (usually).  The chasing after a toddler and the sleepless nights that accompany would have definitely been more painful if I were out of shape.  And if I didn’t before, I definitely have motivation to stay in shape now, other than my own vanity. 

I’m not suggesting twenty-somethings can’t be wonderful mothers.  I’ve touted the benefits of mature parenting but there are equally compelling benefits to being young when your kids are young.  Perhaps some young mommy will write a blog post about that.  As for me, I’ve been a young mom and now I’m a…well, let’s just call me a seasoned mom, how about that?  At forty-six (there, I said it) I know who I am and I know what’s important.  I also know what’s not important, like sweating the small stuff and worrying about what other people think. 

Parenting small children at this point in life is not for everyone.  But it the path we’ve chosen. Outside of international adoption circles it is the path less traveled...but in the words of Robert Frost, “I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”.  Well said, Mr. Frost.  Indeed it has. 

On Being Trendy

What does the word trendy mean to you?  Hip and fashionable?  The word trendy can describe the car you drive, what you wear, what you eat and even your parenting style. Recently, I saw the word trendy being used in connection with adopting children from China and it made me angry.

Speaking of trendy, Pintrest is pretty hip right now. I don’t think I need to go in to an explanation of what Pintrest is.  If you don't know what Pintrest is, you have been living under a rock and I'm surprised you found my blog.  I go to Pintrest to get ideas on how to repurpose an old chair, how to use leftover Thanksgiving turkey and how to style my hair to suit my face. I love Pintrest but it is not generally known as a website that causes the casual browser to become irritated. Leave it to me.

I was scrolling through Pintrest to get food and decorating ideas for Chinese New Year. I wasn't finding what I wanted and eventually used “China adoption” as a search term. I found some adoption blogs and info on agencies - stuff I expected to see.  I also found pins with verbiage like this:   

“How freaking cute is that - I want a little China doll, too!”

“Someday I will save (adopt) a little China girl.”

“If I can’t have any kids of my own, I totally want one of those little Chinese babies”. 

Statements like this may anger or irritate families who have adopted from China.  Most of the time I try to let that sort of stuff go (cue in Frozen music). I might give a little eye roll over the ignorant and misguided (but basically benign) comments. I have learned not to get wrapped around semantics because I think well-meaning people often use poor word choices when describing China adoption. But today, one comment got to me: 

"The current wait to adopt a healthy girl from China is 7 years. While it isn't as trendy, the greatest need in China is for parents willing to adopt boys with special needs”.

Trendy? My jaw literally dropped. While she had the wait time right, the “isn’t as trendy” comment shocked me (I am hard to shock, people). And frankly, it really pissed me off. True, many parents adopting from China are very deliberate about choosing girls. I have no beef with this.  I see nothing wrong with having a preference for one gender over the other. And true, because of this preference for girls it is very, very easy to adopt little boys with very moderate and manageable special needs. I should know - as I write this, one of those little boys is a asleep in the bedroom down the hall. I take issue with it being labeled as “the greatest need in China”. China is not pushing their children upon families outside her borders. There are thousands of children in China that are available for adoption, but the application and approval process are rigorous. Adopting these children is a privilege that the Chinese government grants us - not something that they are asking us to do because it is a need.

Motivation and reasons for adopting are personal. There are many families out there who have completed or are pursuing adoptions because they feel called by God, because they want there to be “one less” orphan in the world, or because they just want to be parents. Or a combination of all three of those reasons. For some families, “saving a child” is the motivator for adoption and for others, it is just a collateral effect of adopting a child who was once an orphan. Questioning a loving and qualified family’s reasons for adopting is not my beez, but to learn that the motivator “because it’s cool and trendy” is something that people actually consider kind of makes me want to yack.   

Some time back, small, teacup sized dogs being carried around in their owner’s handbag was a trend…I don’t know, maybe it still is. I always though that was kind of silly. No matter how cute and cool your pint-sized pup is, it is still an animal and a big responsibility once the “aw” factor wears off . Maybe it will cease being so utterly darling once it pees on your rug and leaves little teeth marks on the leg of your coffee table. Whatever.  We should not compare the “pup in a Birkin bag” to our adopted children from China or anywhere else. Or children, period. With Zack’s adoption, we set out to adopt a child.  As it turned out, he just happened to be a boy. I never thought of this as the “less trendy” option and I’ve never once thought of my child as a fashion accessory. He won’t be something I get tired of and being his mother isn’t going to go out of style. That said, we do look really good together.   

I know many families who have adopted little girls from China.  Many were deliberate about adopting girls.  Of these families the motives to adopt are probably all over the place and there are probably many of these families whose motives and ideals I would disagree with. And with most things, I’m fine with agreeing to disagree. But when it comes to calling our parenting choice trendy or even ever so slightly putting our kids on the same level as Uggs or a Kate Spade bag…no. Wrong. By the way, I think Uggs are the fugliest thing ever.   

I’m sure I’m getting wrapped around semantics just a teensy little bit. I could give this Pintrest commenter (whom I don't know) the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she only meant to educate Pintrest readers at large on the opportunities to adopt wonderful boys waiting in China.  As for me, I confine my attempts to be trendy to my wardrobe choices.  At least I try; still working on that Kate Spade bag. I am weighing selling an organ I'm not using versus skipping lunch for a year.  By the way, that's a joke.  My bag is from Target and I rock it. 

While I know that Zack’s life is infinitely better with our family than it would have been if he’d stayed in China, I still don’t think we rescued him. I don’t pat myself on the back for saving a child. I know that no matter how many people adopt children who need families that there are always going to be orphans in the world and that bringing them all home is not a realistic possibility…although it is a nice sentiment. And I don’t see parenthood as trendy, not by a stretch.  Exciting?  Messy?  Exhausting?  Joyful?  Yes to all.  I am Zack's mom. This is our life.  What is fashionable or the “it” thing of the moment…not even a factor.

And in the words of Forrest Gump - that is all I have to say about that.  If you have enjoyed reading my blog hop on over to the Jillville Facebook page and show me some "like"
 https://www.facebook.com/welcometojillvillepeople