a mother of a day...

Happy Mother’s Day (apostrophe optional, I hear there has been some debate over that lately…whatever).  I hope all you mommies out there have a fabulous day. 

This day hasn’t always been easy for me. 

Mother’s Day by the Numbers:

21 – The number of mother’s days I’ve celebrated as a mom.

3 – The number of people that call me mom.

1 – The number of times I’ve celebrated this day with all of my kids together. 

4 – The number of mother’s days I have spent without my kids. 

2 – The number of children born to other women who call me mom. 

So, I’m a seasoned mom.  I’ve been a mother almost half my life.  I should feel like I’m great at something I’ve been doing for so long, but I don’t always feel like I really know what I’m doing.  I have my days when I think “I’ve so got this” and I have my days when the words “parenting fail” goes through my head a dozen times.  I’m winging it.

Today was my first mother’s day as a no kidding mother of three.  All of my kids were home, which was beyond awesome.  There were cards.  There were presents.  There was brunch.  I didn’t have to clean up any major messes and there weren’t any meltdowns that registered on the Richter scale (although Sissy and I had a tense moment when we road tested the new electric wine opener).  Best. Gift. Ever.

The last few Mother’s Days haven’t been filled with joy for me.  Don’t get me wrong, they’ve been nice, but the empty place at the table was something that didn’t let me fully appreciate the good things in front of me. 

My 2011 and 2012 Mother’s Days were spent waiting for Doodlebug to come home.  We were in the very early stages of adoption in 2011 and very close to the end of the process in 2012.  Sissy was still in the Midwest, so it was just Hubs and I.  In 2013, we had both Sissy and Doodlebug home and we were waiting for final approval from China for Peanut’s adoption.  Today, they’re all at home and under one roof and my heart is full.  My house is loud and there is a lot more laundry but my heart is full. 

There is a quote from Jody Landers that many women who have come to motherhood through adoption can identify with: 

“Children born to another woman call me ‘mom’.  The depth of that tragedy and the magnitude of that privilege are not lost on me”. 

I think about Sissy and the first time I met her every Mother’s Day.  She is my first, my special kid that gave me the title of “mom”.  Naturally, I think of my mom on Mother’s Day and wish we lived closer so we could celebrate this day together. 

But I also think of two other women that I have never set eyes on.  I don’t know their names.  I don’t know what they look like, but I see their beauty in the shining eyes and the laughter of my boys. 

These two women in China who chose life for their children and then chose not to parent them have given me an incredible gift.  I don’t know if May 11th is a day to celebrate in China.  I don’t know if this is a day that is bittersweet for these two women.  Maybe all days are bittersweet…maybe there isn’t a day that goes by where these women don’t wonder if their baby boys are safe.  If they are loved. 

I wonder if these two birth mothers need peace.  If they do, I wish I could provide it.  While their choices must have been agonizing, I would like them to find comfort in the fact that these boys have brought me a lot of joy.  I can’t put myself in their position, but I am very thankful for these two women and will think of them and celebrate them every Mother’s Day for as long as I live. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mommies out there – most especially to my mom, Sharon, who gave me life and who continues to give me encouragement and inspiration. 

Happy Mother’s Day to mommies who are struggling, who are in hard places right now.  May you find the grace, wisdom and patience to get ‘er done. 

Happy Mother’s Day to mommies who wait.  I have met so many ahhh-maze-inggg adoptive mommies who have traveled the same roads to motherhood as I have.  It is hard.  It is bittersweet.  It is rewarding.  It is different.  It is all of that stuff in ways that most people don’t understand.  For those who wait, I hope this is your last Mother’s Day waiting and that you find some way to experience the joy that is in front of you (P.S. you might have to look hard to find it). 

For those who are struggling to have children or have lost children…I hope you find peace and hope.  I know this day is a struggle for you and hope you find the strength to see it through and the grace not to kick the people who make tacky comments in the shins (although if you do, I’m totally in your corner). 

I have had a lot of titles over the years.  Job titles.  Mrs.  President of this or secretary of that.  Hall monitor, copier monitor, homework monitor.  The one I savor the most is “so and so’s mommy”.  As it should be. 

All is right with the world over here in Jillville.  Blessings to all of you mommies out there. 

New site coming – bookmark it now – www.rippedjeansandbifocals.com

“Like” this blog on Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/welcometojillvillepeople

I am on Twitter @JillinIL...but other than knowing how to make hashtags on Facebook, I am pretty clueless. 

 

Parenting Fails and 2013 Christmas Pictures

Christmas 2013 – the first year spent as a family of 5.  More on that later – first, the parenting fails. 

We all have those less than stellar parenting moments.  You know it.  Here we go:

FUN FACT 1 – My two three year old bundles of energy & joy get up early no matter what day of the week it is, no matter what time they go to bed. 

FUN FACT 2 – I am resisting (okay, kicking and screaming) acknowledging that my lazy Saturday mornings are o-v-e-r. 

I am an early riser, but the little (but surprisingly loud) voice bellowing in my ear at 5:45 informing me “no dark outside” is a pretty painful entry in to the day, especially on a Saturday where I didn’t adhere to my 10 PM bedtime. 

FUN FACT 3 - It doesn’t actually matter if it is dark outside or not.  (If they are awake, it is “no dark outside” in their little minds.  It was once suggested to me at 3 AM in the middle of winter that is was “no dark”.  I called BS on that one and carted someone’s little hiney back to bed.) 

We have a playroom of sorts in our spare room - a guest room/storage area where toys have migrated since we’ve had the boys.  We have a TV where the boys can watch movies.  We’ve settled in to a Saturday routine where the boys will wake us up and one of us will take them to the potty.  Sometimes it’s me…sometimes I pretend I’m asleep and wait for my husband to get up.  You know you’ve done it.  After this, the boys will usually watch cartoons for about an hour.  This gives us a chance to get up and get breakfast.  This allows me to ease gently in to the day and drink my coffee in bed without two little boys climbing all over me.

My entire household was sick over the Christmas holidays.  I was the "illest of them all".  Really sick.  Dirty hair sick.  Wearing sweat pants in public sick.  On December 26th, I did allow myself a little bit of extra snooze time, even though my inner voice of reason told me this was a very bad idea.  Pneumonia or not. 

When I got up to go to the bathroom, I was treated with the site of a toilet bowl full of, say…two or three full rolls of TP.  The damn thing was gurgling.  My husband always tells me to leave the lid down and that despite my periodic lectures about playing in the potty, the bathroom is a land of inviting bowls of water for little boys.  I climbed back in to bed and muttered a brief description of what I’d found in the bathroom to my dear hubby, who had also had the misfortune of indulging in some extra snooze time.  “It’s gurgling.  You deal with it,” said I as my head hit the pillow.

God love that man, he got up without too much grumbling and went off to save the day.  When a little more yelling than I’d anticipated came from the playroom, I went to investigate.  My budding artists had colored almost everything in the room – the walls, their table and chair set, their train table, the television set, themselves.  The creative markings around their belly buttons and on their feet and legs resembled some sort of tribal tattoos.  What I found most impressive (later, after I’d calmed down) is that they’d taken off their socks and pajama pants to decorate themselves then gotten dressed again. 

Did I mention this was permanent marker?  Of course I don’t let my kids color unsupervised and I store the crayons and markers in a spot where the kids can’t get at them.  However, there was a mug of pens and markers on top of an old file cabinet that was shoved in the corner of the playroom.  They’ve never touched this before and other than a random “I should move that” thought, I’d forgotten it was there.  Parenting fail.

Thankfully, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers work well and thankfully, we keep a supply on hand.  While my dear hubby was scrubbing the walls, I took the future tattoo artists down for breakfast.  Their little heads were hanging and they had their oh-so-contrite faces on, so I decided to forego the cold cereal and make them bacon and eggs.  I sent them off to the living room to play with some of their new toys while I whipped up the most important meal of the day.  Another parenting fail.  I blame the cold medicine.

When I went to round them up to eat, I found the box of tissues that had been keeping me company over the holidays – empty.  My living room was decorated with many, many tissues.  I guess it was their day for paper products. 

Obviously, the morning snooze was a really bad idea.  Yes, I felt icky but hubby and I should have flipped for it or I should have realized that mom responsibility overrides the Christmas Crud.  We spent our Boxing Day morning elbow deep in Magic Eraser and plungers.  No harm and no permanent damage done, but this will definitely go in the archives stamped “Epic Parenting Fail.”

Does this take me out of the running for “Mom of the Year 2013”?  So close! 

And now for the Christmas pictures, since the rest of our holiday season was incident-free. Unfortunately, I did not get pictures of any of the above-mentioned damages. 

 

Kyle at the CACH (Children Adopted from China) Christmas Party.  This was at the end of November and a nice way to kick off our holiday season (even if we were celebrating Christmas before Thanksgiving). 

Me and the kids after the tree lighting on base.  Kyle was like "who is this guy" and Zack was clearly wanting no part of this Santa thing.  

Christmas Day Fun!

 This makes our tree look so skimpy!

Neighbors brought us scones right before Christmas - Kyle LOVES them!

Making Reindeer Dust

And the stockings were hung...

Zack:  I have better things to do. 

This snowman thing was in the lobby of the Enlisted Club.  Since when does Frosty lie down and assume such a coy position?  Huh?

 Laura and Zack at the Christmas tree lot.  There was a dog nearby, so naturally, Kyle was crying and refused to be in the picture. 

And, of course, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a trip to the Gryffindor Common Room... 

This nice dog carried our tree to our car, hence the reason for so many tears from Kyle on Christmas tree day.

Christmas feast at Hogwarts...this is where we had our Christmas dinner, of course.  Just kidding! 

 Laura and I after the Jingle Bell Run.  It's the vest - I swear I'm not this fluffy!

Making Reindeer Dust!

Laura and I at Lee's squadron party. 

 The boys got a kitchen for Christmas.  They LOVE it.  They make me "dinner" about 6 times each day!

Santa was good!

 A Kindle!  Excited she is getting in to reading!

One of Zack's many faces... 

I'm so glad Laura likes to bake!

Getting ready to tie the tree to the roof!

All dressed up!

A November Weekend - Quotes from Mary Poppins and Barney Stinson

We over-schedule.  We are on the go Monday through Friday and lately, it has seemed like weekends are non-stop.  Every time Sunday night rolls around again, Hubs looks at me and says “Really?  Already?” He might use a more swear words but you get the idea. 

We scheduled light this weekend.   As Mary Poppins would say our Friday through Sunday was “practically perfect in every way.”  Although I envisioned (still wish for) a pajama weekend with no leaving the house, we did end up doing a couple of things.  Our pace was more relaxed and less frenzied and as a result, I begin the new week feeling rested. 

Saturday morning, we did a Turkey Trot 5K.  Sissy  and I planned on this as a mother/daughter event, but at the last minute, we decided to break in the double-wide and take the whole gang.   

 

 

The boys loved the experience and Hubs did a great job pushing them (that thing is no joke).  They don’t look so thrilled in the pictures but there were a lot of dogs about and Peanut is still pretty leery of 4-legged beasties.  We all finished in about thirty-two minutes…Hubs and the boys just slightly behind Sissy and I.  This was her first time running the entire distance without walk breaks so we kept it pretty slow and steady, but we all had a great time.  We didn’t win a turkey but we did won pie.  Who doesn’t like pie? 

On Sunday, we went to a party put on by CACH (Children Adopted from China).  It is a British organization that is broken up in to local chapters and I just learned of its existence recently.  There is an organization like this in the US called Families with Children from China (FCC) that I’ve heard my other adoption friends in talk about.   

The party was lovely and the experience was something I didn’t know I needed until I experienced it.  There were about 15 other families gathered. All of these families looked like mine (“older” parents with Asian kids).  There was the initial awkwardness of “gee, I don’t know anyone” but that was quickly remedied.  I’m not exactly a “work the room” social butterfly kind of girl, and frankly, that’s impossible while chasing two three year olds who are hyped up on candy, but I did leave with two new friends and some play dates in our future. 

The boys LOVED this nice lady who organized the "pass the parcel" game.  I later learned she had a huge bag of candy.  

The little storybook and jar of play dough brought pure joy to a certain boy.

 

Instead of the “why China” and the “what happened to their real parents” questions I would have gotten at any other children’s party there was “what province are they from” and “how long have your boys been home”.  It had a totally different flavor, and despite the fact that we were in a room full of Brits we’d never met before, I felt we belonged. 

We’ve been knee deep in adoption stuff for almost three years.  Since May of 2011, we have either been pursuing an adoption or muddling through post adoption paperwork (or both).  Now most of Kyle’s post adoption processing is behind us.  Through this process, the only connections we’ve had to families that are made up like ours is through online forums or while in China on our actual adoption travels.  Our “online adoption friends” have been and continue to be an awesome source of information and support.  Our friends we traveled with in China (both trips) are wonderful people and I’m happy that those connections endure.  There is nothing like real life, real time connection with other “China families”. 

We gravitate toward people who we have stuff in common with.  While I have other interests outside adoption, adoption has been my focus for a long time.  I didn’t know I needed to be in a room with other families that were “like mine” until I was in that room.  It was a fun party.  There were crafts, snacks, entertainment, and chit chat. But as I looked around and saw all of these beautiful children dressed in their party clothes, happily doing the stuff kids do at parties, I got a little emotional.  These kids were all meticulously clean (except mine who had cake in their hair), pink-cheeked and well fed.  They were all loved and wanted.  I didn’t go too far in to my thoughts to ponder the beginnings of these children, but where they sat this past Sunday is a far cry from where they started in life. 

I was not the only parent in that room that had those thoughts.  I am certain of it.  This wasn’t something that was acknowledged or discussed.  Some things we just know.  

The pictures don’t capture the look on Peanut’s face when he saw Santa for the first time.  I wish I could have caught his expression when he made the connection between Santa and presents.  I wish I could have captured the “aha” moment when he realized that all of the children were getting a little present and the little light bulb that turned on when he knew he was included.  In the words of Barney Stinson, Christmas this year is going to be LEGENDARY. 

If you have enjoyed reading this post, we are on Facebook.  Hit "like" to follow:
https://www.facebook.com/welcometojillvillepeople
 

Halloween - Joyful, Cheesy and Bittersweet

Halloween is my Hubs' favorite holiday.  We met in August and started dating in March so we were an established couple by the time our first Halloween rolled around.  By the time I discovered he was “one of those Halloween people” I already liked him enough to want to keep him around.  Costumes and pumpkins were not my cup of withes brew but Hubs was a keeper.  When he started making noises about pumpkin carving and matching costumes in mid-August, it became clear Halloween definitely was his thing.  I hadn’t touched pumpkin pulp since Sissy was in elementary school.  I was perfectly happy to keep pumpkin guts from touching my hands,ever.  When my new boyfriend seemed excited about carving pumpkins my reaction was lukewarm…but in the spirit of “new relationship” I went with it.  If I were a hash taggin’ kind of gal it would look something like this:

#stilltryingtoimpresshimsopumpkinsareawesome

Six years and two kids later, we are “Halloweenies”.  I’ve come to accept it, even embrace it. I can roll our 2013 Halloween experience up in to three words:  Joyful, cheesy and bittersweet.  

The Joyful

Sharing Halloween with two little boys is magic. Costumes, candy, monsters...what is not to like?  Remember this little guy?

Doodlebug's first Halloween - he was cooperative with the whole costume thing accepted the candy, but he had his guard up. He had fun, though.  Hello?  There was sugary goodness involved and he was smart enough to hold out that bucket (albeit warily) and get in on the action. 

Fast forward one year.

 

Holy pumpkin patch, Batman!  There’s two of them now!  Where did that other kid come from?  Seeing Halloween through their eyes is amazing.  I got the costumes last minute.  I grabbed what I thought would fit from the "what was left" rack.  The Superman costume was too small for Zack.  Good thing he had a cape because it gaped open at the back.  I tried to convince them to switch, but they weren't having it. "I Yoda" said Kyle firmly.  Never mind that he has never seen Star Wars.

Trick or treat was a pushing, shoving candy free for all.  It was pretty cool.  Doodlebug did great and said both "trick or treat and thank you" nine times out of ten.  Peanut was a little star struck.  It was hard for him to watch where he was going when there was so much going on around him.  All of the lights and decorations and crazy costumes enthralled him.  I try to imagine what it is like to see Halloween through his eyes.  It probably seems very strange to him.   

Doodlebug understood the need to keep the candy in his trick or treat bag and keep movin' on but not Peanut.  Every time someone would put a treat in his bag, he'd fish it out and look at me with this pleading look "eat?". 
 
The costumes looked great.  Peanut was the only Yoda we saw.  Everywhere we went, it was "oh, look, it's Yoda".  except for one lady who called him a bunny...she might have been drinking, though.  Trick or treat was a success.  We came home and ate a ton of candy.  We skipped baths and I put my hyped up on sugar kids to bed, threatening to throw the candy away if they didn't go to sleep.  I am expecting the mother of the year award.  If I can't make a formal acceptance, I'm figuring they'll just mail it to me.

The Cheesy

I threw the (hopefully) sexy witch together at the last minute.  We put this picture up on Facebook and someone commented that Hubs looked like "Burger King".  Doesn't he? 

Halloween is inherently cheesy, but we have fun with it.  We had some cheesy-in-a-good-way family fun the Sunday before Halloween.  The weather was yucky so we took the cars out of the garage and set up pumpkin carving shop.  Carving pumpkins with Hubs is quite an experience.  He tends to scoff at the generic triangle eyes and snaggle toothed jack-o-lanterns.  Those are for amateurs.  Around here, we get our pumpkin patterns off the internet and do it up fancy.  It takes some patience, which I do not have. Hubs finished my pumpkin (the one in the middle).   

The boys rode their tricycle and played with the small pumpkins fought over their tricycle and vigilantly maintained pumpkin equity while Lee, Laura and I carved.   We had a gourmet lunch (PB&J and hot chocolate).  Later that evening, Sissy and I made popcorn balls to put in to the boys’ treat bags they took to nursery school to share with their friends.  

I have never made popcorn balls before.  We used the recipe on the Jolly Time bag and it was pretty easy.  Messy, but easy.  Sissy helped me whip up two batches and we had a good time making them together.   

Cheesy costumes and fun family moments involving pumpkin art, comfort food and the smell of popcorn.  Who doesn’t like that?

And finally, the bittersweet

Hubs and I went to a Halloween party the Saturday before Halloween.  This is an annual party hosted by a friend of ours. Anytime we can get out and just be us – no wiping noses or butts, or chopping food in to really small pieces it’s all good. I love my boys but grownup time is good.  This is our friend Bonnie’s annual Halloween to-do, and although we missed last year’s event, I remember Bonnie’s 2011 Halloween party with a great deal of clarity. 

The 29^th of October in 2011 was a Saturday.  We were about three quarters of the way through with the “great paper chase” that was the beginning phase of Zack’s adoption.  We had most of our vital records and background documents gathered, stamped, sealed and notarized and were pretty much ready to get our home study knocked out and get our dossier sent to China.  The dossier is a collection of documents that introduces a family to the adoption authorities in China.  This is the information China uses to grant formal permission to adopt children from their country. 

That Saturday morning, I received an email from Kathy at our adoption agency.  It contained the file of a little girl, just twenty months old.  Were we interested in adopting her?  The file contained basic medical information and a photo.  This baby had a repaired heart defect and was reportedly in good health.  The one picture showed a sad little girl standing in a metal crib.  What grabbed my heart about this picture is that I could literally count over thirty other cribs in the picture.  She had a beautiful face – one of her eyelids was just a little bit droopy, but she was such a sad and pretty little girl.  She needed a family.  Were we going to be that family?  Mild heart problems were a “special need” that we said we’d be open to, so after talking it over that day, we decided to submit a “Letter of Intent”.  This would essentially “lock” that file so no other family could move forward with her.  We’d have to be granted “pre-approval” from China to proceed with the adoption but as we left for the party that night, I was super excited about this little girl.  We enjoyed the party that night but I could not get that little girl off my mind.  I’ll admit it.  I was daydreaming about hair bows and smocked dresses.  

We got an email that Monday morning.  Kathy was very apologetic, but in a nutshell, she had sent us the little girl’s file in error.  We were not qualified to adopt that child.  For those unfamiliar with China adoption, I will spare you the explanation of “Log in Date Only”, special needs versus special focus and the waiver process. The bottom line is we’d been shown a file for a child that China had pre-determined that our family wasn’t qualified to adopt. 

I was crushed.  I literally felt my stomach drop as I read that email.  However, Kathy told me not to give up.  Our agency’s China facilitator wanted to push the paperwork through and see if China would say yes.  Make an exception.  We were warned not to get our hopes up, but our agency didn’t want to pull our application back without trying. 

And, China said no.  It took them a whopping 2 days to give our agency the answer “rules were rules”.  In looking back, I think it was quite merciful of them to come back with their “no” so quickly because I was having a particularly difficult time waiting it out.  At the time, I was upset because I didn’t feel we’d been given a fair look.  But rules are rules and if I’ve learned anything in the past three years it is that China is a stickler for adoption rules.  Black and white and very little in between. 

China said no…and I grieved.  I grieved for that little girl who wasn’t meant to be my daughter.  Although we hadn’t really discussed names too much, in my mind this little girl was Rachael.  I cried many, many big ugly tears, most of them alone where no one saw.  Our agency and my husband knew I was upset but I don’t think anyone knew just how upset.  I don’t think anyone understood what a loss it was for me. 

I am sure this little girl’s family has found her by now.  She is about the same age as my boys – she’d be right in between them, if my memory serves me correctly.  There are many families in line to adopt young baby girls with minor heart problems, especially if they’ve been corrected.  I can’t imagine that she would have been hard to place.  I can’t imagine there was a shortage of families who’d raise their hands and say “Yes”.

I hung on to her picture for the longest time and finally deleted it only a few months ago, while we were in the process of waiting for Kyle to come home.  I came across the email trail from Kathy when I was attempting to organize some of my adoption correspondence (like that actually happened) and took a big, deep breath and hit the delete button.  I never opened her picture between the time China said no and the time that I deleted it.  But, I knew it was there. 

This little girl that I called Rachael was not meant to be my daughter. I hope she has parents who tuck her in to bed at night and comfort her when she is afraid.  I hope the room with the many cribs isn’t even a memory for her now.  I thought of her a lot this weekend while I was at the Halloween party.  I hadn’t been in that house in two years and I remembered so vividly being there and sneaking off to find a spot where I’d get cell phone reception to see if there was an update from our agency.   

Remembering her and remembering how excited I felt at the prospect of being her mom was bittersweet. But, I don’t have regret.  Things are as they are supposed to be and all is right with the world.  There is an old Chinese proverb about an invisible red thread connecting those who are destined to meet and my read thread and hers probably aren’t connected.  Hitting the delete button and sending her picture in to cyberspace made the severance of that connection pretty final, although you never know how and when people are going to touch your life. 

Letting go of that child in October 2011 was painful.  It is only now that I can even admit that to myself.  But time marches on.  In early November, I opened my email and saw that Kathy had sent us another child’s file.  I opened up the picture and laughed out loud.  Usually pictures of babies elicit the “awwwww” response but when I saw this e chubby cherub in pastel green ruffles I literally laughed.  It was hard to look at that child’s picture and not feel happy.  She had the most adorable little cheeks that I just wanted to SMUSH! 

Reading through the file, I learned that she was a he (pastels and ruffles are not exclusively for baby girls in China) and after some reading and discussion, we decided to submit a Letter of Intent.  And this time, China said yes.  This little guy’s red thread was most definitely destined to cross with my red thread.  Of course, this was Zack.  And although that little girl crosses my mind from time to time, I have no regrets.  There is no “what if” or “if only” going on. 

My heart is full. 

So there you have it.  Halloween is a decidedly unemotional holiday.  Pumpkins, sugary treats and spooky stuff are not typically triggers for deep feelings but as I look back at my 2013 Halloween experience, the three words that best describe it are joyful, cheesy and bittersweet.  And, I’ve even learned to embrace the smell of pumpkin guts.  It doesn’t get much better than this. 

're thd my read thread and thisestined to meet and my read thread and thisre is an old Chinese proverb about an invisible red t