Guest Post from Beka - Force Fields, Potty Mouths & New T-Shirt Designs

Jill and I met in her blog comments and later through Facebook chats. We have never laid eyes on each other and due to geography might never meet in person. Reading her posts, following her journey to China and nodding my head in solidarity over parenting preschoolers from hard places makes me sane. I’m sure if we made a list there would be many things we don’t agree on or believe in the same way. But being an adoptive parent, having teetered along the fine line of complete insanity and indescribable love for a child you’ve never met, erases all the differences.
 
This connection, this understanding, this appreciation for life-change in a way that no other human could fathom, blurs the lines of friendship and sisterhood. It brings together human beings at their lowest lows and highest highs, sometimes all in the same day. This magical force field wraps around us and floats with us as we navigate scary, joyous, never-before-traveled roads with our children. Most importantly, it is an avenue for sharing in the honor of being mothers to these amazing humans. It is in this spirit that I share today about my irresponsible swearing.
 
But first, some housekeeping.
 
I’m Beka – always laughing, never wearing socks and lover of Skittles. I’m married to my high school sweetheart and together we adopted two sons: G is 5 years old and was born in Russia, T is 4 years old and was born in China. The boys are nine months apart so for the first 3 months of 2014, there were two 4-year-old boys in my house. I’ll pause a moment while you handle that nervous twitch.
 
Back to the irresponsible swearing.
 
My mother never said a swear word until I was an adult. If she got cut off in traffic she would exclaim sweetly “oh you turkey.” My father dropped a few big ones now and then but usually in the garage where he thought no one heard. It only makes sense that I, daughter of the clean-mouthed people, turned into a swearer rivaling truck drivers, stand-up comedians and sailors on weekend leave.
 
For my first soap-in-the-mouth experience I was 6 years old and had been caught playing the hand clapping game “Miss Merry Mack.” For those of you not enjoying girlhood during the early 80s, it went something like this:
 
Miss Merry Mack, Mack, Mack
All dressed in black, black, black
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons
All down her back, back, back.
 
It continued this way for several verses, the words of which I no longer remember. But the one that had me biting down on the Dove bar was totally innocent. It only alluded to the word a-s-s with a well-placed pause, no actual swearing occurred. Before I knew what was happening I was upstairs in the bathroom, standing next to a raging woman who vaguely resembled the mother ship. Enter chomp, scrape, chomp, gag, and 2 hours of brushing.
 
Try as I might I never feel sufficiently finished with an annoying situation unless I use a swear word. Please keep in mind I do not drop swears in public or around other people’s children, but mostly to myself when I stub my toe on the closet door (yesterday morning) or when I ferociously unlock my car but it’s not actually my car (last week).
 
When G was about 3 ½ years old I shouted “what the hell!” from the living room while watching a tennis match with a horrible referee. From the kitchen table he whipped his head around, peanut butter smeared on his face, locked eyes with me and replied “what the hell is right!” Our house shook a little bit and I knew both my deceased grandmothers were pissed.
 
From then on it was an impossible feat to 1) stop him from using what the hell is right everywhere we went and 2) for me to stop swearing. I just cannot let it go. I don’t smoke and I rarely drink so swearing is my only addiction. I. Need. To. Swear.
 
As G matured and fine-tuned the use of what the hell he got tired of it. We also had many talks about the appropriate use of these words. Now he only uses them at home, you know, to teach his brother and complain about taking a nap. What the hell has turned into what the gussies because gussies is not a swear word, it can be used anywhere and he knows he is smarter than I am. No one in our family but G knows what a gussie really is.
 
G’s post-placement adoption reports for Russia are all complete, but we are still in the very early stages of T’s post-placement reports for China. Last week our social worker and case manager came over to visit for his six-month report. We live in an access-controlled condo building so when we saw the ladies parking on the street my husband took the elevator down to let them in.
 
As the elevator bell dinged down the hall, signaling everyone was almost here, I reminded the boys to make sure and be polite to our friends. G nodded and agreed. T smiled, ear to ear, that smile of a child planning something, and blurted out...hang on...you know it’s coming...WHAT THE GUSSIES!
 
I’m thinking t-shirts.
 

 

Thanks, Beka!!!  I laughed until I spit coke through my nose when I first read this, because I was trying to keep my language gentle for my post on her blog.  I open up the email and found a post on cussing.  Oh the irony! 

 

Here is a link to The Nerd Can so you can follow along:  http://www.thenerdcan.com/adoption-besties-charlie-the-unicorn-and-lady-parts-a-guest-post-by-jill/

 

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Easter Pregaming & a Visit to Oxburgh Hall

Today, we visited Oxburgh Hall, which is a National Trust property in Norfolk.  You can read about the history of Oxburgh Hall below if you are interested: 
 

http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/oxburgh-hall/visitor-information/
 

This is only about 20 minutes from where we live and we are National Trust members, so we get in free.  We went for the annual “Easter Egg Trail”.  As far as I can tell, the Brits don’t really do egg hunts.  We paid 2 quid per kid (hey, that rhymes!) for a worksheet that had pictures of 8 different varieties of sheep.  Somewhere on the property, there was a corresponding picture card with each sheep.  Once the card was located, we had to write the name of the sheep down.  There was also a letter on the card that went with an anagram that was part of a puzzle to solve.  Hefty stuff for a three year old and a four year old, right? 

We enjoyed a nice walk around the property.  It was an absolutely dazzling day, rare for this part of the planet.  This was Hubs and I’s 3^rd visit to Oxburgh and Doodlebug’s 2^nd (although I’m sure he doesn’t remember the 1^st).  This was Lil Bit’s first time and we all had a great time. 

The boys had a blast looking for the picture cards, chitter-chattering with their shadows, and going “trip trap trip trap” over the wood bridge Billy Goats Gruff style.  Luckily, we didn’t run in to any trolls.  But, we were ready for them. 

We found all of the picture cards.  The boys started to run out of steam at the end.  We skipped naps today.  The prize for the completed sheep worksheet was a giant Cadbury chocolate egg.  We’d been tempting the boys for several days with the prospect of a “really big chocolate egg”, so they were all hyped up about that.  As we were on our way out of the park, Doodlebug and Lil Bit spotted some folks with ice cream bars and immediately started yammering on about having “ice cream on cone”. 

We got our big chocolate eggs, which Lil Bit proceeded to try and unwrap on the spot…who could blame him, as we’d been going on about these damn eggs for days.  We ended up getting ice cream from the concessions…life was good.  We ate our ice cream on the tailgate of Hubby’s Santa Fe…the three stooges sat three abreast, leaving no room for mom to sit down.  Hubs asked the boys where mommy was going to sit and Lil Bit shrugged and said “no more room.”  Love how his English is coming along.  Yes, Hubs made them move. 

My highlight of the day was when we went to visit the old church on the property.  We sat down in one of the pews for a minute to rest our feet and look at some of the amazing stained glass.  Doodlebug looked at me and said “sing songs?”…because that is what you do in church.  I smiled and said “of course, honey”, expecting Jesus Loves Me.  Not.  My little heathen broke out in to a loud rendition of “heyyyyy, sexy lady” complete with “ooh…ooh…ooh”.  I shushed him and said “we don’t sing that song in church”.  He looked at me – totally perplexed – and said “oh?  Why?”  Lil Bit noted that there was “no TV” at this church – our church has a big screen monitor.  Guess they weren’t impressed. 

It was a great day.  Here is picture proof!

 

My guys learning about different kinds of British sheep

 Yay!  We now have giant chocolate eggs!  What do you mean we can't have them right this second? 

In the files for my "forever house"...a carved wooden pear on a sign post.  There was a lovely ladybug on the pear, too!  Wink! 

Exterior shot of Oxburgh Hall.  I have decided that my forever house should also have a moat, too.  I mean...there aren't enough moats anymore.  Shouldn't we bring them back? 

 
Say cheese?  What do you mean, woman?  I am totally chowing down on my chocolate egg here. 

 Yes, mommy!  I have a chocolate egg!  Whoo hoo!

  The boys got paper "explorer" helmets at the start of the "eggstravaganza"...they are now in the trash.  By the way, other than my 3 guys, I have no freaking idea who the rest of these people are.  They were not budging, even though my repeated (and loud) attempt to pose my guys (which means getting them to actually look at the camera) couldn't have been missed. 

In a nutshell, Oxburgh Hall is worth a visit.  This was my third visit and the first time we'd had really fair weather.  If you are in my neck of the woods, you should totally consider adding a trip here to your bucket list. 

Off to bed, people.  Tomorrow is Easter, which in our house means candy frenzy, getting ready for church and an awesome brunch that I don't have to cook.  I am pretty sure that "Gangam Style" isn't going to be on the list of stuff we sing in church tomorrow...but one can only hope!

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The Checkout Line - Dumb Adoption Questions & Comments

Happy Easter from me & mine to you & yours!  I am bringing back an older post from last year..."The Checkout Line" was one of my more widely read posts until I wrote the disruption series.  It's 90 percent the same post, with a little tweaking & a face lift.  There is the old saying "the only dumb question is one not asked."  This doesn't apply to some of the stuff I've had strangers ask about my boys.
---------------------------------------------------

THE CHECKOUT LINE

The checkout line is a part of everyday life for most of us.  I guess there are probably some snooty falooty people out there that have “staff” to run errands for them, but for the rest of us peasants, standing in line at the store is something we do. 
 

Aside from the obvious “not fun” factor of waiting in a line when you have better things to do and places to be, the checkout is a place where you’re sandwiched between people you don’t know at close range.  Eye contact and the meaningless or even awkward small talk that sometimes follows is part of the fun. 

Lately, I’ve become pretty adept at avoiding that eye contact.  I am a fairly social creature, but often, that initial eye contact end resulting small talk results in questions that run the gamut between the truly offensive and the “I’m just tired of answering” category. 

Most people are pretty quick to come to the conclusion that my adorable Chinese boys are not my biological sons…although there have been a few who seem to need to take the extra step and ask me if my husband is Asian, just to be sure.  I accept that people are curious about our family and that curiosity comes in varying degrees.  I can almost hear the wheels turning in people’s heads while in the checkout line.  If I make that eye contact, if I smile, then I’m potentially opening that door to conversation and to The Questions. 

On some level, I don’t mind The Questions.  If I can answer a question or clear up a misconception about adoption, I’m usually happy to do that.  If I can give someone who is potentially interested in adoption some information to help them get started, even better.  But sometimes, I just want to be a shopper.  Just a mom.  Just an “average Jill” in the store pushing a shopping cart.  I didn’t sign on to be the poster girl for international adoption.  Just because my family is “different” doesn’t mean I want to or should be expected to stop what I’m doing and answer questions about my life to someone who is “just curious”. 

I wish that I could give a knowing nod to those checkout line people in that brief moment between initial eye contact and the “Say, can I ask you a question” slipping from their lips. That knowing nod would say “Yep.  I know what you want to know.”  I wish I could dig in to my bag and whip out a “FAQ” document and sweetly tell these people “Whatever you were about to ask me, it’s in here.  I’m just going to zone out/play Angry Birds/stop my kids from hitting each other with boxes of Kraft mac & cheese.  Cheers.”

If I had such a “FAQ” document in my mommy bag, it would go something like this:

 

Answers to Adoption FAQs:

My boys are adopted from China.

Yes...they know.

No...they don't really understand that very well at this point.

Yes...when they get older, we plan to explain it to them (duh and here's your sign).

Yes...I am sure they are Chinese (this from a lady who I think might have been Japanese telling me that they "look Korean").

My husband is a white guy from Michigan, but the mail carrier might be Asian.  I'm not really going to say more. Keeps you guessing, doesn't it?

No...they are not twins.

Yes...they are brothers.  Real brothers.  I know what you mean.  They are REAL BROTHERS.  That's all.

Do I have any real/normal/regular kids?  All of my kids are real...I don't know about normal most days.  I thought of getting some of those fake kids, you know, like Pinnichio, but I think I will stick with these. 

I have one biological daughter. 

No, I can't have "my own" children*.  If you want to talk more about my reproductive system, we are going to have to take this convo beyond the checkout line and that will involve you purchasing me some sort of beverage.  That's all...

Sadly, I do not know Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Jillian Michaels or the "Little Couple".  Yes...I know these people all adopted kids from "other countries" too.  But I still don't know them.

I don't know anything about the Duggars adopting from China.  I don't know them, either.

My children are American citizens...Yes...real American citizens...Yes...regular American citizens.

They will be able to vote when they're 18 unless the laws change.

They speak English.

We don't speak Chinese, sadly.

They eat macaroni and cheese and most other "kid food".  I'm very lucky that neither one of them are picky.  I am not sure if they "used to eat cats and dogs".  Wow.  Thanks for asking that.  Something for me to ponder, for sure.

We have no plans to enroll them in gymnastics, violin or competitive ping pong.  We're not sure if they are going to be "really good at math".  Right now, we are working on SHARING and the meaning/application of the "Clean Up" song.

I am their "real mother".  The subject of our sons' biological or birth mothers (either term is acceptable) is not something we talk about outside out family.  That's all.

I don't want your opinion on "how horrible the Chinese are for adbandoning their kids" and neither do my kids.  They don't understand what all of that means yet, but one day they will...and they won't appreciate it being addressed by a stranger in a store. 

We adopted from China's "Waiting Child" Program, which takes 12-18 months on average.  "Waiting Child" program is the official name for what some refer to as the "China special needs" program. 

If you have just asked me "so, what's wrong with them/him" and I have smacked you upside the head, don't expect an apology. 

If you are interested in the specifics of adoption, including the cost, our placing agency is Wasatch Adoptions out of Ogden, Utah.  I'd be happy to give you their details. They have a great website and blog and if you have questions beyond that, then give their office a call - they are really wonderful about answering questions. Google them. 

How did we "get boys"?  China adoptions have changed a lot in recent years.  Lots of boys are available for adoption.  If you want to learn more, please contact Wasatch or any adoption agency that facilitates China adoptions. 

We chose to adopt from China because it was the best adoption choice for our family.  If you are one of those people who has just asked me "why didn't you adopt from "your own" country when there are "so many American kids" I could have adopted, then I suggest you quickly educate yourself about the Foster Care System in the United States, because you are clearly unfamiliar with it.

If you just told me that my kids are "so lucky"...thank you.  I know you meant that nicely and I've learned to accept that compliment gracefully.  It is a little sad that children are called lucky because they have parents.  Every child deserves a family.  Sadly, not every child has one.  I feel I'm "so lucky", too.  When I am not stepping on itty bitty cars and when the boys aren't hitting each other, that is...

Bottom line - these kids needed a family.  I had room in mine.  They are wanted; they are loved. 

*Terrible question to ask a parent who has or is in process of adopting.  A parent who has made the choice to adopt after infertility miscarriages, or after the death of a biological child has already suffered loss.  People deal with loss and grief in different ways.  A checkout line (or playground or water cooler or church coffee) might not be the place to ask a stranger - or even someone you know - questions about their ability to reproduce "the old fashioned way".  Besides...you might get more than you bargained for.  I would love to see the look on someone's face if I suddenly launched in to the nitty gritty details of my lady parts...just once. 
 

 

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Facebook Page

Although I am not super high tech technically challenged, I've managed to manipulate this blog (with a little assistance) for over three years.  As I write more and connect with more people via my blog, I decided to create a Facebook page that goes along with my blog.  I am not sure what direction I am going to take this in, but I like the ease of Facebook as a conduit for the things I write, especially the "adoption stuff" that has some practical uses for parents who are just starting out or in the process. 

So, people, head over to Facebook and check it out...and if you like it, LIKE IT!  
https://www.facebook.com/welcometojillvillepeople

Adoption Disruption - Part 3 of a 3 Part Series

If you would like to read Part I and Part II of this post, click the link below (scroll to the bottom to read Part 1; Part II is on top): 


 http://jillr-addingbranchestoourfamilytree.blogspot.co.uk/


I am not a "look at me" kind of blogger, but I will tell you that my two posts on adoption disruption are my most read, least shared and least commented on posts - ever - and I have been blogging for three years.  

What does that mean?  I have had more "hits" on these two posts than anything I've ever written.  I have made less effort to share these posts with others than I have made with other things I have written. I find this interesting. 

Disclaimer:  I am a Christian. I don't subscribe to the evangelical Christian "call to adopt" and I don't think that James 1:27 literally translates in to "go adopt kids."  My husband and I adopted our children because we wanted to be parents.  I don't believe that God called me/pushed me/spoke to me in a dream or daydream and "told me" to adopt. 

That said, I think I'd have lost my mind if I didn't have faith in God during our two adoptions.  My perception is that our adoptions were "my" idea and that God got me through the process.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.   

So.  What happens to the children involved in in-country disruption?  

If the parents chose not to go forward with the adoption, the child goes back to the life they had before their orphanage worker put them on a bus to go and meet their new family, for better or for worse. These kids don’t automatically get considered by another family.  It is at the orphanage’s discretion that they become available for adoption again.  Not all orphans in China are “paper ready” to be adopted.  The orphanage may view having one of their children rejected as thing to be ashamed of and not allow that child’s file to go “back in to circulation”. 

You can read a “disruption success story” below, but the reality is, not all kids are this lucky.  Seriously people...take the time to click on the link below.  I know it is blog within a blog within a blog...I promise you...worth reading.  Bottom line, unless a child is advocated for by someone who understands the disruption took place then they quietly slip in under the radar. Always.  For keeps. 

http://www.psalms82three.blogspot.com/2014/01/called-to-action.html

What happens to the families? In the case of a disruption, the family who disrupted in China may be able to adopt again, at the discretion of the agency. They will return to the USA without a child, should they choose to disrupt, and they will be subject to additional expense and scrutiny if they chose to try to adopt from China again. The agency can weigh in on whether the parent’s decision to disrupt in country was valid and the decision ultimately belongs to the Chinese government on whether to approve this family to adopt another child. 

Under no circumstances will a family be given another child in China, should the child they were matched with and traveled to adopt not meet their expectations.  This isn't shopping. 

In a nutshell, the parent may be given a shot at adopting a child better suited to them while the child may have no shot at ever getting adopted again. No one ever said life was fair.

In the case of a post adoption dissolution the family’s chances of adopting from China again are not as good, although I’ve heard rumors that it can happen.  Re-homing a child equates to legally sanctioned abandonment, which violates the adoption agreement the parents signed in China.  Never abandon.

The stats on this kind of thing are limited.  Roughly, about 10-14 percent of adoptions fail.  Special needs and older child adoptions are more likely to fail.  These stats don’t factor in disruptions of international adoptions while in the country of origin.  These numbers are only known to the agencies concerned and to the Chinese government and no one reports or cross talks about this. 

I wish I had the answers.  I wish I had the solutions.  I know that it takes more than love and good intentions to parent the internationally adopted child.  It takes strength, grit and resiliency.  A strong shot of faith and prayer doesn’t hurt, either. 

Parting Shots

Parting Shot #1 - Let your head lead your heart.  If your heart must lead, let your head have a say-so.

Pictures like this are powerful:

 

Several people I talked to when preparing this post mentioned the Christian perspective on being a contributor to unrealistic expectations in adoption.  The link below explains one perspective. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/22/opinion/sunday/the-evangelical-orphan-boom.html?pagewanted=all&_r=2

While I do not agree that the Christian perspective on adoption is to blame for adoptions that go south, I do think there are probably some agencies and churches out there that are using “Orphan Sunday” as a marketing vehicle to encourage Christians to adopt in the spirit of James 1:27…

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:  to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world”...

As I've said before, I am a Christian.  I believe the Bible is the Word of God.  I don't believe James 1:27 is a command to the Christian community at large to adopt, without enough discernment on whether the target audience are suitable adoptive parents.  There is a vast difference in “looking after” orphans and adopting them in to your family forever.  FOREVER. The Bible says a lot about adoption and orphan care (well, the Bible says a lot about a lot of things, doesn’t it?) but adoption is only one way to live the spirit of James 1:27. 

So, when I say let your head lead your heart, I mean give full consideration to the enormous commitment you will make when you sign on to adopt a child with special needs from a difficult background.  Love is not enough.  Faith might not be enough.  Common sense, resources and resilience have to be paddling the boat, too.  If you church is feeding you the line that every Christian makes an ideal adoptive parent and that all Christians should answer the call to adopt…well, I disagree on that one. 

Parting Shot #2 - There are no guarantees in parenting. Kids are not commodities and they don’t come with warranties, instruction manuals, exchange policies or money back guarantees (although wouldn’t that manual be nice). When you make the decision to take the “I will parent” plunge, you make the decision to accept some unknowns.

Parting Shot #3 - Read the fine print.  Never abandon is not a suggestion.  When you sign an official document that tells a foreign government that you are going to commit to making a home for one of their children, don’t go in to it with an “I have an out” mindset.  Refer to Parting Shot #2.

Parting Shot #4 - If you know a family who is making or has made the decision to terminate their adoption, show them love and compassion.  If they haven’t finalized their decision, encourage them to seek the help of a counselor, clergy or adoption professional – or all of those.  If they have finalized their decision, hope that they find a way to have peace with their decision and support them in whatever way you can.  You don’t have to agree with their decision, but shunning them isn’t the right thing, either.  You are not going to know what it is like to feel their pain.

We all have someone in our lives who we like or love whose lifestyle choices we don't agree with.  This is that, people.   

I hope I’ve shed some light on a touchy topic.  Perhaps I’ve opened a Pandora’s box.  Perhaps I’ve pointed fingers.  If I’ve made a taboo topic a little less taboo, I think I’ve done a good thing.   

Remember...the last thing that flew out of Pandora's Box was hope...

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Adoption Disruption - Part 2 of a 3 Part Series

Part I of this post laid out some definitions surrounding adoption termination and gave an overview of the China Waiting Child process:
http://jillr-addingbranchestoourfamilytree.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/adoption-disruption-part-1-of-3-part.html
I wanted readers to have a clear picture that choosing a waiting child through this adoption program is a deliberate process with many levels of commitment.  If anyone thought this process involved any sort of “Hmm…we’ll take that one…wait, no, this isn’t right.  We’d like a do-over”, then hopefully my roadmap in the previous post got rid of those notions. 

Why does disruption happen?  Is it happening more frequently?  That is a hard question to answer, since accurate stats aren’t kept on this.  What makes a family that has waited for a child, “fallen in love” with a picture, spent tens of thousands of dollars and endured a mountain of paperwork say “no” and hand a child back on or after Gotcha Day?  Are they bad people?  I doubt this very much.  People might get on the plane to China with unrealistic expectations but I would sincerely hope that no one gets on the plane with the expectation they won’t come home with their child. 

“China Lied”

Some people blame inaccurate information in the child’s file for disruption.  If I’ve heard “China lied” once, I have heard that a hundred times over.  Files contain inaccuracies.  Sometimes they are downright misleading. PAPs (that is pre adoptive parents) need to be prepared for inaccuracy, inconsistency and straight up w-r-o-n-g info in a child’s file.   This is a fact and if agencies and social workers aren’t preparing us better for this possibility, then they are doing the families and the children a disservice.  They need to do better. 

I have firsthand experience with this. While Zack’s file was spot on and the child we were handed on Gotcha Day was 100 percent what we were expecting, we had an entirely different experience with Kyle.  While I think that “China left some stuff out” I wouldn’t go so far as to say “China lied”.  Maybe stuff was lost in translation.  Maybe the doctor was in a hurry that day. Maybe someone cut and pasted.  At any rate, the condition of the child we were handed was not what we expected.

I don’t, in most cases, agree with in-China disruptions, but boy do I understand the “oh crap, what have we gotten in to” factor that happens when you are tired, emotional, jet-lagged, stressed out, scared and far from home and what is familiar.  I truly sympathize with families who are handed children with needs they are not expecting.  If you believe you are adopting a child with a club foot, you shouldn’t expect to be given a child with club foot and cerebral palsy. Aside from this, families need to expect worst case scenario for the medical need they were aware of when submitting intent to adopt that child.  Worst case scenario, and if someone doesn’t hand that information to you on a platter, find it.  Do your homework.  Don’t stick your head in the sand and tell yourself “love conquers all”.  It doesn’t always. 

I took the info in Kyle’s file at face value.  If I’d have been prepared for worst possible scenario with his particular medical issue, I’d have been in better shape that first month.  I’d also have known his “surprise” was something that went hand-in-hand with “the known” and would have probably looked for it.  I would have saved myself some stress, guilt and grief and more importantly, I’d have been more prepared to parent him in those early days.  We got by and we’re doing great now, but those first days were rougher than they should have been. In the great big picture, things with both our adoptions went pretty well.  Yes, there were bumpy spots but from the “other side” view, we are very, very lucky.  

The first time I heard about disruption was when a parent in one of my social networking groups reported having to make the hard decision to leave their child in China and come back without to the United States without her.  I don’t know the scope of this child’s anticipated medical issues, but the parents were painted a picture of a child who was cognitively on track.  She attended school and was reportedly doing well.  They were handed a six year old that was developmentally about eighteen months old.  They were able to obtain some additional medical evaluation in China and were told “this is as good as it gets”.  The parents chose not to adopt her and came back.  They later returned to China and adopted another child.     

I was shocked to learn stuff like that had happened. Nothing in my parent education had prepared me for a situation like that.  I tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered what kind of decision I’d make in their place.  I couldn’t come up with an answer.  Some say there are no guarantees in parenting.  Some say special needs adoption is different and that a family does and should get a say-so in what type of medical needs they are equipped to parent.  And honestly…I straddle the fence on that one.  We don’t get that choice with our “homegrown” kids.  Parenting any way you go about it is chock full of unknowns.  What is the right answer?  Is there one?

Over the past three years, I’ve heard virtual whispers about disruptions and dissolutions. It happens. We all know it, but it’s something we don’t talk about openly. Daring to talk about disruption is viewed as being “mean” and “unsupportive” to a fellow PAP (remember, that's pre-adoptive parent, people).  Talking about the ugly side of adoption potentially scares PAPs off.  Scaring PAPs off might result in a decrease in adoptions.  Whether you want to look at that as less revenue for agencies or more children spending their lives without families, I don’t think the fear of “scaring someone off” should deter us from telling the truth, even when the truth is ugly.  Especially when it is ugly.  Maybe some PAPs need to be a little bit scared. 

I have compassion for any family in a situation where they feel they have to consider disruption.  Disruption is shrouded in silence for a reason...come on...putting myself in the position of a parent who has made those decisions, heck no, I wouldn’t want to talk about it, either.  Regardless of the circumstances that has got to be an agonizingly painful decision to make. But, on the other side of the coin, we have the children.  Children in situations like these:

Family decided their newly adopted ten year-old daughter “wasn’t a good fit” based on her behavior in China.  They brought her to the United Sates so that she wouldn’t have to go back to the orphanage and “re-homed” her within days of coming home.  I am not sure if the child was permanently adopted by the other family or if the family who brought her home eventually took her back, but I do know that the family was at one point pursuing another “older child” adoption from China.   

Family decided that they “just didn’t feel bonded” to their toddler after eight months and gave her up.  It just wasn’t “working out”.  How much professional intervention and counseling that occurred is unclear. The child was adopted by another family through a "second chance" adoption. 

Family was upset that a two year old whose listed special need was “developmental delay” wasn’t walking steadily upon first meeting and said “no” almost instantly.  (If a file says “developmental delay”, prepare for that.  If a file doesn't say developmental delay, prepare for that anyway).

Family decided that the child who wouldn’t make eye contact or interact with them during the first twenty-four hours was autistic and handed her back the day after they met her. 

Family upon meeting their child with a cleft palate, made the snap diagnosis (parents weren’t medical professionals) that the child “must have” cerebral palsy because she was wobbly and had poor muscle tone.

After endless paperwork, scrutiny, waiting and expense, these families did a 180 in a very short span of time with limited information and little to no professional intervention.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around it all and yes...it is hard not to judge and finger point.  But blame laying and judgment aside, who suffers? The kids do.   

I can look at my limited and possibly incomplete info on all of these situations that I gained first and second hand and tell you what I think I’d do…but who really knows what they’d do in someone else’s shoes until they walked in them.

So back to the question, why does this happen?  I have a couple of theories.  One is that parents are trying to make the Waiting Child program, which is a special needs program fit in to the mold and take the place of the traditional non-special needs adoption program.  Yes, I mean the program where you wait seven plus years for a healthy, very young baby girl.  Many parents who were in the non-special needs line are flocking now to Waiting Child.  Because let’s face it – most families pursuing adoption are going to be turned off by a seven year wait.  That is a fact. 

I think there are a lot of us out there that are trying to adopt non-special needs kids through the special needs program.  Come on…cleft lip?  Port wine stains?  Eczema? Older child adoption?  These are the kinds of things that will land a child on the special needs list in China.  We tell ourselves these things are “no big deal”.  If I had a nickel for every family out there who has said “how hard could it be” I’d be a wealthy chick. 

There are more serious conditions such as congenital heart and pulmonary diseases, thalassemia, mild cerebral palsy, anal atresia, and hydrocephalus. If you don't know what they are Google them some time.  Parents read about kids with these types of needs and convince themselves that these needs are “practically nothing, a non-issue”.  I’ve been one of those parents. 

Minor is in the eye of the beholder. I think there are plenty of parents saying yes to kids with complex conditions without fully understanding what that condition entails.  Without fully understanding the worst case scenario or possible collateral, long-term effects of these conditions, we let a heart-wrenching picture of an adorable face and sad eyes make the decision. Educating ourselves about what this special need, this medical condition really entails?  Worst case?  Pshaw, who needs that?  Love conquers all.  Yes, that was sarcasm…but I think that is where some of our problem lies. 

Don’t get me wrong – I think there are plenty of families who tackle international adoption with their eyes wide open and armed with information, even experience.  But I also know there are plenty of families who follow their heart and take an uneducated leap of faith.  And I think some of these families are in a prime position for adoption failure. 

Medical worst-case scenarios, difficulty in bonding and attaching and adoption termination are not openly discussed amongst PAPs on social networking sites.  We have built “safe haven” communities restricted to post adoptive parents where we can say things that won’t scare off the PAPs.  We get our virtual hands smacked if we dare to bring up disruption and dissolution – the dreaded “D words” in a public forum.  As an adoption community, we take great steps to maintain a strict code of collective silence about the ugly side of adoption.  To this I say:  PAPs, you need to be afraid.  You need a good dose of reality.  Hope for the best but know what worst looks like. 

When we were just starting out and before we looked at Zack’s file, I was advised by more than one person to adopt a “heart baby” from a Province X because “those heart babies always turn out to be completely healthy with no heart issues.  You’ll get them home and there will be nothing wrong with them.”  Although a lot of families consider mild heart issues a minor need, this is one thing that scares the heck out of me and it wasn’t on our list of conditions we raised our hand for.  To deliberately pursue adopting a child whose medical issues were out of the scope what we felt we could manage based on rumors and maybes sounded like a bunch of hooey to me.  But there are probably people out there that swallowed this.  Maybe sometimes the outcome is okay.  Maybe it isn’t. 

Even in the best of circumstances where the child’s medical condition matches the file, you can still see developmental delays, orphanage behavior, malnutrition and parasites.  Bonding (in either direction) may be instant or may be a struggle.  A parent may feel that “something is wrong” because they don’t feel love for the child right off the bat, or even during the first few months.  You might not even like the child.  They might be scared and acting out.  They might be testing you.  They might be limp, lethargic and shut down, causing a scared parent’s imagination to jump to severe delays, cerebral palsy, or brain damage.  And by the way, Dr. Google and “Web MD” are going to validate what you think you’re looking for and probably aren’t going to provide good direction when you’re doing a stressed out internet search at two in the morning in China because you’re having second thoughts about the kid you were just handed. 

Two weeks in China doesn’t give you a good and accurate look in to what the child is really like…barring truly exception circumstances, give your child a chance.  Take him or her home and allow them to blossom and recover from the extreme shock and trauma that their adoption day might be to them.  Talk to your adoption agency and your social worker.  Let them talk you through what your options are.  The choice to disrupt in China is to make a forever decision for your family and that child who has waited for you in a very short span of time under stressful circumstances. 

One of the reasons that we chose China is because we found it “logistically desirable”.  One trip.  Two weeks or less.  Get kid, in and out. Is this the best way for us?  For the children?  It’s certainly the least time-consuming most cost effective way.  I am not suggesting that that I have the answers to how to overhaul the adoption system, but it makes my blood pressure rise when I hear about a disruption or dissolution about every other week.  This should be a rare occurrence not an unfortunate, accepted side effect of international adoption.

There are limited stats on adoption disruptions.  No one likes to talk about it.  If agencies see it as a failure, imagine how the parents concerned see it?  I find it very hard to empathize with this situation and I am certain my bias is present in my writing.  That aside, this is most certainly an emotionally traumatizing, heart breaking experience that is riddled with guilt. 

If there is a lack of education and awareness on one end, there is probably a lack of compassion and care for the family on the other end that makes most – not all but most – unwilling to come forward with their “why story”. 

Part III of this post focuses on the aftermath of disruption, healing for the family involved, and the way forward.  Is this going to be something we continue to whisper about?  Are we going to continue to have the “this will never happen to my family” mindset or can we make this better? 

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